Henry Mills and the Alternate Universe of DOOM!

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time 4.22-4.23 "Operation Mongoose 1 & 2" - SPOILERS!

Isaac Heller's boss at the beginning was exactly right. He really doesn't write stories that anyone wants to read.

The first half of this two-part episode really didn't do much for me (other than the subtle shout-out to Walt Disney having been the previous Author at the beginning. He died in December 1966, which is why the cold open where Isaac becomes the Author takes place at that time ~*~The More You Know~*~) I didn't really buy into the whole "Snow White as the Evil Queen" thing they were trying to sell me (might as well just say it - Ginnifer Goodwin does not do evil villainous anything very well). I did like bandit!Regina teaming up with Robin Hood, though. And if Zelena hadn't showed up to ruin that moment, I would have enjoyed it even more.

Part Two, however, is when things get really interesting. Mostly because that's when Henry finds Captain Hook (who is merely cowardly deckhand Hook - yeah, Rumple sure did a number on him there) and they go off to find Emma in the Tower of Characters the Villains Want Forgotten. Which becomes a little more ironic by the end of the episode.

Actually, everything with Emma and Hook in the alternate Enchanted Forest was great. Even though Hook is merely a shell of his former self - but it was Emma's turn to be his personal motivational speaker - and it worked great!

Until Evil!Charming stabbed him dead and pretty much broke every heart in the land (every heart that matters, anyway). By that time, I was yelling for Emma to fix this hellish reality and get back to 1955 and destroy the Sports Almanac and put everything back to the way it was supposed to be.

(Huh - if last year's finale is Back to the Future, then this is probably meant to be Back to the Future Part II. Which means next year... they've got to get a Wild West motif in there somehow... Interesting...)

The one part that REALLY got me emotional, though... Probably not the one you think (if you've been following my reviews of Once Upon A Time this season). The ending was rough - no question. But that's TV for you. They have to set up intense cliffhangers so the next season has something interesting and compelling to work with. And very few things are going to be more compelling than Team Storybrooke looking for Emma and getting her out of the grasp of the Darkness (oh, who am I kidding? I'm mostly looking forward to the intense Captain Swan drama and angst that will come of this. What can I say? I like seeing my favorite characters suffer - makes for a good story).

But my favorite part - particularly since we've been following Emma and Hook and I've been pleading for their True Love story to work out - was when Emma admitted that she loves Hook, but it's after he was killed and now it's too late for her to do anything about it. BUT - they're still in the Alternate Universe Crapsack World, and they can still change things.

Fast forward to getting out of the Alternate Universe Crapsack World and everyone's okay and fine - and Killian is just peachy too. Emma runs up to tackle him and oh so nearly says those three magical little words - and SHE CAN'T DO IT!

I guess that's reality for you. Even after losing Hook in the alternate world and being upset that she never got to tell him how she felt - when she was back in the real world and he was fine and everyone was happy... she still didn't tell him. Her nerve completely failed her and she couldn't tell him. And... that just sucked.

(On the other hand, still means we have more to look forward to, right?)

What else - Henry's now the Author (CALLED IT!) He may have broken the quill, but his newfound power is going to come back and be useful again. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it! (hey, if they can de-youthify Pinocchio and bring August back for the sake of a plotline, Author!Henry is going to happen).

Black Swan

So - Emma's now the Dark One and she's gone to who-knows-where. And Team Storybrooke is on their way to find Merlin so he can destroy the Dark One for good (but not Emma, because I will cut a bitch if that is the case). Rumple is sans-darkness, which is going to be an interesting development (he's going to be an entirely new character, so if any of you still enjoyed rat-bastard-Dark-One-Rumple... tough turtles). Belle told Rumple what we ALL were screaming since "A Tale of Two Sisters" clear back in September - that he could have had his happiness in Storybrooke without trying to destroy anybody (blah).

Next year - I guess Lily will still be around to create another unnecessary sideshow (...whoo).

Season 4 Wrap-Up

Here's my thought as I was watching this - the Author storyline was kind of a bust. At least, as far as it was with everyone stuck in Storybrooke. I think it would have worked MUCH better if everyone was actually IN the Enchanted Forest while the story was being changed. Like - at the beginning of the story arc, Rumple (or whoever) sent everyone back to the book and the goal was to change the story from there. Forget all this Queens of Darkness crap - just find the Author, establish that he's a conniving weasel and make him the bad guy in all of this (though Ursula and Cruella were cool - but they didn't do anything with them. And this Maleficent suffered the same defanging fate as the Angelina Jolie version, which is entirely too unfortunate).

Frozen was amazing. I loved Once's version of Elsa and Anna and the inclusion of the Snow Queen. Sadly, they couldn't keep that magic going throughout the rest of the season, which is a shame. The second half of the finale kind of messed with my emotions, but that was because there was so much Captain Swan goodness and angst (and, really, I've missed them for the past few episodes, so it was like depriving a child of sugar for so long and then suddenly letting them run wild in the candy store).

I hope Season 5 does well, honestly. I hope we get some new and exciting character arcs and they let some of these others rest for a time (I could do without so much Rumple. And even Regina's getting a bit tired and worn, especially her Evil Queen persona). I'm looking forward to some new material with characters that haven't gotten much love lately. But I'm not going to get my hopes up.

If anyone but Killian Jones saves Emma Swan, however, things will be thrown. That is all.

Out With a Whimper

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time Episode 4.20 "Mother" - SPOILERS

Dear Once Upon a Time - What. The. Hell. Happened??

Last season I was so excited for the season finale! The back half of Season 3 was so fun and entertaining and the finale had so much promise for goodness. This year, you cashed in all your chips on Frozen and 4B pretty much has sucked all the way through (barring a few light moments). All I have to say going into next week's finale is THANK GOODNESS THIS IS OVER!!

Seriously - this story arc was pretty painful to endure. Sure, it had it's promising moments and its bright spots, but on the whole... it went a whole lotta nowhere.

I suppose it's fitting that the Enchanted Forest flashbacks involved a colossal continuity monkey wrench in bringing Cora back to the storyline. When I heard that Regina's mother was coming back, this is what I predicted she would do: *whine, whine, bitch, "Regina, you're not good enough for anything or anyone, let me run your life" blah, blah, blah.* And I was right, wasn't I? With an added bonus of "I care about your happiness, but not really" - I just... I was done with Cora a loooooong time ago. How many times do we have to repeat this thing with Regina and Cora? WE GET IT ALREADY! THEY HAVE A CRAPPY RELATIONSHIP! YOU HAVE SUFFICIENTLY BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE INTO THE GROUND!

I guess since Neal is dead, they have to pound that other tired old parent-child dynamic into dust too.

(We still have Regina's mother coming back to be a cackly bitch - YET AGAIN - but we can't even get a flashback to Captain Hook's childhood? Learn what his parents were like? Especially since he gave that beautiful pep talk to Emma about trusting parents that want the best for you? Or even give Belle another pre-Rumple flashback. I mean, they've got SO MANY other characters to play around with, why keep coming back to these ones that we are more than finished with??)

(It's just a complaint I have about this show. When they take on new characters and cover new territory, they do really well. But when they keep covering old ground that's been dealt with and done already - I'm just over it).

Back to the grind -

Emma comes back to Storybrooke with Regina and Lily and Zelena in tow. Hook is delightedly rubbing it in Rumple's face that Emma didn't turn dark (oh gee - WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS? Rumple's half-assed villainous plan falling to pieces?) Emma has a tender reunion with Henry and Killian and summarily ignores her parents (understandable). Maleficent is introduced to her daughter (don't care - they've successfully de-clawed Mal as it is and I've completely lost interest). Regina carts Zelena off to the lock-up loony bin under Storybrooke General Hospital. and then goes off to find the Author.

I do like that the Author is a fan of Regina - so much so that he created officially-unofficial fanfic in which Regina and Robin end up together in the Enchanted Forest (that's what that random illustration was). And he's happy to create her happy ending - except he needs magic ink, which can only be made from the blood of a Dark Savior (rather specific - how did he get it in the Enchanted Forest? How many Dark Saviors were there running around Fairy Tale Land?) Regina (smartly) gets blood from Lily, since she has all of Emma's darkness (which - I still call bullshit on that plot point). But then Regina backs out at the last minute - thereby FINALLY illustrating the lesson that I've been shouting at these characters - that it's not what fate or the Author or anybody else gives you. Your destiny is what you make it!

Really, this whole story arc has been much ado about a fat load of nothing. We had a couple of great episodes with Ursula and Cruella - but they were written out without warning. Maleficent wasn't that interesting. I didn't care about Lily at all. The idea of an Anti-Savior as a foil to Emma is intriguing, but they didn't do anything with that. Just one episode of "Will Emma shoot her childhood friend?" (come on, guys - that's wasn't going to happen) and then this anti-climatic crap which proves that we already knew what would happen.

Next week is a two-part adventure within the "Heroes and Villains" book, so Season 4 is pretty much over. And here is my assessment - Frozen was amazing! I will watch the Frozen story arc all day everyday. Elsa and Anna were a beautiful addition to what OUAT already established. The Snow Queen was a perfect follow-up to the Oz storyline. Snow White's involvement was kept to a minimum, which probably helped things tremendously. and, excepting the pitiful treatment of the fallout of Rumple taking Hook's heart, those 11 episodes were handled quite well.

Queens of Darkness was neither about the Queens, nor darkness. It was unfocused and spotty and had no point to it. Villains like Regina and Hook are pretty well reformed characters. Rumple is a complete asshole and I don't care that his heart is just about dead. Now, if you want to play up the danger of having a Dark One without Rumple's conscience to hold him back... well, you should have done something more than throw that out there at the last minute. It was a complete cop-out and explained nothing. There were good parts, but the whole was lacking (sort of like what happened with Neverland - a lot of build-up, lots of expectation, zero payoff).

You know what this story arc is like? (and apologies for bringing THIS travesty against fiction up) It's like the end of Breaking Dawn (the final Twilight book). There was this great big build up to this GINORMOUS EPIC VAMPIRE (and werewolf) BATTLE. And then... it just didn't happen. Everyone changed their minds and went home. It's pretty much the greatest disappointment in all of the history of storytelling and beyond (if you have anything worse to compare it to, I'd love to hear about it).

Next Week - Rumple becomes Charming, Snow becomes the Evil Queen (and my eyes roll right out of my head), Emma becomes the Dark One (that's my guess), Hook gets that gorgeous black velvet vest back. Okay - I guess it isn't a total wash.



(Ugh - I hope this finally gets the "ZOMG Snow White can be TEH EBIL!" out of their system, 'cause I STILL ain't buyin' what they're sellin'. As far as I'm concerned, she's still Pretty Perfect Princess Lollipop Rainbow Sparklepoo.)

Road Trip From Hell

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.19 "Lily" - SPOILERS!!

This is another episode wherewith the main storyline where I'm all....

And since the main storyline with this episode is slowly becoming the main story arc of this entire "Queens of Darkness" thing (which, now we're down to "Queen" singular. Unless we count Zelena as an honorary QoD... which ... I could be persuaded to do. We'll get to her, though) - that's kind of a problem.

Let me put it this way -  I was intrigued at the beginning of Season 4B with this promo of Emma looking like she's being turned toward darkness by Maleficent, Ursula, and Cruella.



Villains turning the Savior to evil? THAT is cool and interesting and fun. My question was how would these three turn Emma toward their way of thinking where it was genuinely something that she wanted to do. Like, have her go full-on Anakin Skywalker and become Darth Vader (before we found out he was just a whiny little ass, of course)

But in every twist and turn with this story - I'm just not feeling it. At all. This wasn't about the Queens turning Emma to their side for the sake of having the Savior turn evil. It was *sigh* about Rumple manipulating the system because - Rumple's an ass. Again. And again. Ad nauseum. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(I am 100% done with Rumplestiltskin. I liked him better when he was this ambiguous trickster that you didn't know who's side he was on. Now... ugh - I'm just tired of his crap).

Add in that painfully stupid plot point with Snow White freaking out because her child maybe-maybe-not-could-sorta-possibly turn evil and SHE MUST BE A HERO otherwise there will be shame and dishonor on the entire Charming family - holy heck, that was so freaking stupid. Not to the levels of "Peter Pan is Rumplestiltskin's father" stupid, but it's pretty darn close.

You know what - I'm busting out the gifs for this one.

What's left with this episode, then? This whole thing deals with Lily as a grown-up - Emma's "friend" we met in flashback last story arc when she was helping teenage!Emma steal Pop-Tarts from a convenience store. Who, of course, turns out to be Maleficent's daughter (and points to Emma for hanging that lampshade). While I do like the idea of exploring this situation with these two princesses - one of darkness, one of light - I feel like if they wanted that to be the storyline, they should have started out with it. Stop this stupid stringing-us-along with all these dumb gimmicks and assorted other bullcrap. I mean, at least with Frozen and the Snow Queen arc, that made sense (and Emma's friendship with Elsa made even MORE sense). The two stories were so closely related and it fell into place with what the Storybrooke characters were already doing - that felt real and natural. This whole thing - just feels forced and cheap. And I don't like it. At all.

So what did I like? If anything?

The final three minutes where Regina and Emma (and *grumble* Lily) get to Casa de Hood in New York. And the final reveal to Robin that Marian is actually Zelena and Zelena has successfully cuckolded Robin that she is pregnant with Robin Hood's baby.

Dun-dun-DUN!!

Okay, okay - it's kind of soapy and dumb. But that's the thing with Once Upon a Time - without the fairy tale elements, this would be just another overwrought daytime soap opera (except ABC puts those in primetime - hello, Scandal, Revenge, and that stupid Broadchurch knockoff that they kept throwing promos of up during OUAT). But let me remind you of some key elements in fairy tales and mythology in general that make this new monkeywrench (pun not intended) Zelena's thrown in kind of fitting in this world of fairy tale madness -

- How many kids by how many mothers did Zeus have? There were other gods out sowing their wild oats as well, but Zeus is the king-daddy of them all. It's practically a tired old line to say "I'm a son/daughter of Zeus" in Greek mythology! "Yeah, so's the kid down the road. What's your point?" There are others - it's a trope as old as time.

- In Gregory Maguire's "Wicked" (the book, not the musical), the Wicked Witch does have a child, though (through some batshit insane circumstances), she doesn't realize the child is hers. So, this fits right alongside the Wicked storyline, without outright copying it.

- Think about it - a child of Robin Hood and the Wicked Witch, Conceived in trickery, jealousy, revenge - man, how screwed up is that kid going to be? And if Zelena gets away and is free to raise the baby - they might as well scrap this stupidity with Lily and Maleficent right now and wait this plotline out.

Things I Liked/Noticed -

- Oh, Killian. You continue to remain the one single bright spot in this horrible story. Sticking by Emma and reminding her not to turn to the dark side - and I actually believe you because I know oh so well that you've been there and you've clawed your way back out to be a hero. Your storyline is so underserved in this show and I keep waiting and hoping that you'll get more to do with it because every time we do get something from you, it is absolutely brilliant and wonderful and amazing.

- Please, please, please, please let this be it for Rumple and Belle. Rumple knows he's no good for Belle, Will loves her, she... at least cares about Will. Just, please let Scarlet Beauty stay a thing. And, while you're at it, FREAKING GIVE BELLE SOMETHING TO DO!!! (other than be a pawn in the arduous back and forth between Regina and Rumple. Just - over it).

- In the flashback with teen!Emma, the family was serving Cluckity Cluck Chicken (that restaurant that Cruella took Team Dark Squad to the drive-thru clear back in episode 12 - oh, "Darkness on the Edge of Town" - you set up so much lovely potential. Only to have it be shattered into so many disappointing pieces).

- Abby Ross continues to shine as young!Emma. She's wonderful and I wish there was a way for her to have a fairy tale story because I think she'd be enjoyable to watch in such a setting. Sadly, that's not how Emma's story goes and more's the pity.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Lily is a dragon, Snow is going to be effing barbecue (points if you understand that reference), Maleficent is ineffectual (I don't know what's worse - this story line or what happened to Angeline Jolie's portrayal of Disney's most badass villain EVER! It's like - you totally clipped her horns! She's not scary anymore!) And that Author? The only good thing he's done is tell Rumple that he was the biggest ass of all the characters he's written.

Let me put it this way - last season, I was eagerly anticipating the season finale. This year, I just don't even care. But I'm going to finish it out because I said I would. So, there's that. I'm not a quitter.

Have a promo and let's get out of here -



*snore* When's Agents of SHIELD on again?

The Truth is in the Telling

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.18 "Sympathy for the De Vil" - SPOILERS!

Guess I need this here as a matter of ceremony -



So, we get the Cruella story with this one (HOORAY!) But before we can get to Cruella - there are a few things we have left to take care of.

Heart As Black As Night

*sigh* Belle just keeps getting stuck in the middle of the villains' bullcrap. But it's Rumple's fault for putting Robin Hood in danger first. So, chalk that up to Rumple being his typical asshole self.

(but wasn't Rumple's dark heart, like, the grossest thing ever?)

All Innocent Children

I've watched this episode a couple of times and I'm trying to pinpoint the parts where Cruella's backstory is actually about her being the villain and her mother is the innocent. Possible it's just the point of view that the story is being told from - we're supposed to feel bad for the poor helpless girl locked in the attic. Whose name is Cruella? (when that's what you name your child, what the heck are you supposed to expect??)

Anyway, I did like the explanation that Cruella comes from a 1920s Great Gatsby world (even if I hate Gatsby with all my heart) and that it's one of many storytelling realms out there. That more than opens up the possibility of Once exploring other fictional worlds, regardless of if they're actually fairy tales or not (and as long as they can get the rights to them. I don't expect the Hogwarts Express to come chugging into Storybrooke on September 1. But if it did - that would be awesome!)

I also liked the explanation of the Author's magic - that whatever her writes comes true. But it still kind of sticks in my craw that everyone seems to think that the Author is the one with all this control and power over these characters' lives and nobody has any free will. I'm hoping that this comes back into play before the end of the season and it hits everyone with a big ol' "WELL DUH!"

Also - the use of the song "Cruella De Vil" in the 1920s flashbacks was fantastic! I love it when Once can work Disney references into the show. Unrelated, Cruella playing "Angry Birds" - that was stupendous! And Author!Ink can do awesome things to your hair and makeup (permanently).

Am I the only one utterly annoyed by this Author dude? As much as Rumplestiltskin has infuriated me this season, I was ready for Rumple to off him just so I didn't have to listen to his weaseling whining anymore.

The Dark Side of the Force

All of this leads up to Emma's turn to the darkness. From Snow and Charming's self-fulfilling prophecy and Emma's resentment at being used - yes, I too would be upset about that. And it's understandable that Emma would take Regina and Killian with her to find Henry - even if they both are trying to get Emma to forgive her mom and dad.

And then we get this line from Emma, which perfectly illustrates everything I was thinking -

"Forgive me if I don't take advice from a woman who held a grudge for half her life because a ten-year-old spilled a secret."

(I love it when this show exhibits self-awareness.)

Also, Emma's remark about how Hook never held himself up as a paragon of virtue and that both he and Regina were both honest in who they were - THAT right there is where a lot of things clicked for me. Why Snow White has been bugging the crap out of me lately - actually, for much of the run of the show. Charming hasn't bothered me quite as much because he wasn't quite as hyped up on "OH NOES OUR BABY MIGHT BE TEH EVUL!" (that's just the most recent instance of this). Snow is the one who freaked out because her heart had the tiniest bit of darkness clear back in Season 2. Even when she had what whole "confession" to Regina about her heart being untouched, I'm just like - OH PUH-LEASE! No one is buying this "Oh, I'm not all that perfect" act from Princess Rainbow Lollipop. Personally, I'm glad that Emma is pushing back against her parents right now. It presents an interesting foil - that perfect Snow White can't engineer a pure and virtuous life for her daughter. That Emma has to make her own choices (which she has been doing for most of her life - let's not forget).

So we find out that Rumple is trying to trick Emma into killing Cruella, who is unable to kill anybody, and it works. With Emma looking red-eyed and venomous and thisclose to turning completely dark.

(Or she's just lost a lot of sleep and is stressed out over not having a moment's peace from all these crazy villains.)

Regardless - I love that they ended on that shot of Emma looking out into space. Without any resolution of her finding out about Cruella's inability to kill another person. It gave the episode that much more kick and next week's episode even more important because - how is this going to play out?

Next Week - It looks like the Lily storyline is about to payoff. Or get dragged out some more. Who the heck knows?



(PS - Puppy Coat! It's morbid as hell, but it's Cruella De Vil. They had to nod toward that somehow!)

The Preemptive Critic - "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"

Duh -



What do you think?

Calm? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Christmas needs to be, like, yesterday.

(I preemptively love this movie)

Playing by the Rules of Someone Else's Game

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.17 "Heart of Gold" - SPOILERS!

YAY! Once is back! (darn holidays, causing unnecessary mini-hiatuses in the middle of a story arc)

This was an interesting episode, both in terms of what happens in the storyline, and in how it is structured. First - the structure. There has only been one other episode that hasn't featured the Charming Family quite so much (to my knowledge). That episode was "The Crocodile" from Season 2 - where neither Snow nor Emma make an appearance (though Charming was in Storybrooke quite a bit). Also, this episode had the major action take place away from Storybrooke, though it's still in modern day. ALSO, also - WICKED WITCH!

Guess who's back, bitches!

(She may be evil as hell - but I adore Zelena as a villain. And if I ever get the chance to meet Rebecca Mader - I hope she's ready for a [benign] fangirl attack because HELLO!)

Another thing that makes this episode notable that, while Rumplestiltskin does put the flashback action in motion, this is all about Robin Hood and his family. While Robin is Regina's fated One True Love... we really don't know that much about his backstory (gee - a charming lovable rogue who used to be on the wrong side of the law but is now on the side of good and is a love interest for a major leading lady on the show and we don't have a lot of backstory for him - WHO ELSE DOES THAT REMIND YOU OF?? Then again, we have even less for Robin Hood than we do for Captain Hook, so shouldn't complain. Too much).

The first time I watched this, though, the DVR cut off, like, the first ten minutes of the episode, so I missed all the stuff in Storybrooke with Emma pissed off at her mom and dad for what they did with Maleficent's baby (that whole thing still - UGH! WHY!) And I missed the part where the Author calls Rumple a pain-in-the-ass (and I snicker appreciatively. Welcome to my world, dude). And I also missed the part where Rumple gives Regina Robin's number and then we flash back to "Nine Weeks Ago" - so I was kind of confused when the DVR recording started with Robin Hood chasing down a delinquent on a horse (you know, DVRs have been around for a while now - you would THINK someone would figure out how to make sure that the whole episode can get recorded. I don't know if it's the network dinking around with start times or if the DVR capabilities are wonky, but SOMEBODY better figure this crap out!)

So, it turns out the Hood Family's been living in Neal's old apartment (wouldn't that have been rented out to someone else by now? TV logic - don't look too far into it) and exiled!Rumple comes looking for his son's old place. And has a heart attack? Okay sure - we'll go with it. Rumple's an old man by now and without magic, he can't do very much. Robin, being the heroic and honorable lug that he is, takes Rumple to the hospital and Rumple sends his off to Walsh's furniture store (remember Walsh? Wizard of Oz-turned-monkey? Emma's almost-fiance?) because Zelena would have sent him with some magical stuff and he's hoping that the Elixir of the Wounded Heart can be found there.

("Wizard of Oak" - heh. Point goes to the OUAT Writers Room)

Also, Hidden Mickey -

I see what you did there.

In the Enchanted Forest (actually, Sherwood Forest) flashback, we discover Robin of Loxley, a former-thief-turned-tavern-owner who's being threatened by the Sheriff of Nottingham because of late taxes (what else does the government do?) The Dark One comes to Robin with a bundle of gold in exchange for that same Elixir, which is in Oz. And this is where I do my punch-the-air HELL YES! fangirl flail because Once!Oz is absolutely gorgeous! I loved the Oz stuff in Season Three and I was hoping they'd find a reason to use it again (seriously - is nobody going to go back for Glinda? What about the prophecy of who is going to fill the Innocence seat on the Sisterhood of Witches? These are the things I think about!)

(My money's still on Regina, but nobody asked me).

Robin sneaks into the Emerald City (*resists temptation to sing "One Short Day"* *fails miserably*) to steal the Elixir - but not before meeting Will Scarlet (geez, Will - Wonderland, Enchanted Forest, Storybrooke, and now Oz? How in the crap do you get around?) who asks Robin to hook him up with some of that wounded-heart-healing potion when he swipes it. In the Emerald City ("Oooooone shoooooort daaaaaay...." okay - I'm done now), Robin finds the Elixir, plus a few other things  and Zelena catches him stealing from her. He gets away by using the Wizard's magic bow that always hits its target (Ohhhhhhhh - THAT'S where that came from!) and he leaves Oz. As well as the one sample of potion he could get with Will, because Will wanted it to help him get over the death of his sister.

Robin doesn't deliver to Rumple, so he loses his tavern (I guess), but then he rejoins the Merry Men in their thieving ways, with the promise that he will only steal from the rich and give to the poor - and he takes his new wife along for the ride to start a family as bandits.

Back in New York, Robin gets the Elixir for Rumple if Rumple leaves his family alone. Robin leaves, Rumple takes the potion... which doesn't work.

Enter Marian.

Who isn't Marian, as it turns out. Through a complicated-yet-simple plot device, Zelena survived being stabbed by Rumple and she ended up time traveling with Hook and Emma. Zelena impersonated Marian (after killing the real Marian) and let herself be taken back to Storybrooke in an attempt to take away Regina's happiness (it's actually quite a clever plot). And Zelena is willing to let Rumple live, if he finds the Author and gets him to write Zelena a happy ending.

So THIS is where all this Author madness actually came from! Which makes Zelena an honorary-unofficial-but-totally-the-boss Queen of Darkness.

To which I say - HELL to the YES on that one!

When the Queens of Darkness story arc was introduced, I remember thinking - "This'll be cool - but it's too bad that they don't have the Wicked Witch anymore, 'cause she'd be a badass QoD!" And behold - here she is! As evil and over-the-top and amazingly fabulous as ever! I mean, I don't want them to overplay her or ruin her character, but I just LOVE Zelena in a way that I've never enjoyed a villain in any story EVER. I don't typically like the villains AT ALL - but she is sooooo my favorite!

This episode felt a lot like a breather before Crap Gets Real - but at the same time, it sets up the last push to the finale (which - not going to spoil anything, but I have seen pictures from the set of the finale and OH BOY this is going to be crazy!) And - I thought I knew where all this was going, but honestly, I have no clue. I don't know what rules they're playing by anymore, I don't know what's going to happen, who is going to turn to the darkness (if anyone will, honestly) - but I'm excited to find out.

(I haven't enjoyed an episode that didn't have any Captain Swan moments like this in a LONG time. It's an odd feeling, but no an unwelcome one).

Next Time -

Cruella's story! YAY!!!! Gimme!

Rhett Butler Marries Scarlett O'Hara and Other Unfortunate Truths

The following post is merely meant to be instructive in how my brain works. I'm not trying to make a point or get attention or garner pity. In fact, if this does attract pity from anyone, I will delete this blog and run off to live in a hermitage in the Himalayas.

(Okay - maybe I won't go that far. But I will rage at said-purveyors-of-pity with a tortured "YOU COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT, ASSBRAIN!!" shouted out into the stratosphere. It's how I siphon off my rage ^_^)

~*~begin stream of consciousness~*~

About eleven years ago, I was a lowly staff writer for The Snowdrift, the student-run newspaper at Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. Near the end of the spring semester, one of the opinion columnists who was about to graduate wrote a column in which his only goal was to be an ass. The column was more or less a stream-of-consciousness of every controversial and mean-spirited thing he could think of. I don't remember everything he wrote in that column - it was pretty disjointed - but I do remember that he called every female student at Snow fat and ugly. I also remember him saying afterwards that nobody read the paper unless there was something controversial, and this experiment proved him right.

Indeed it did. After his column was printed, it seemed like every woman (and a good handful of the men) at Snow wrote in to complain. The opinion section of the next issue had to carve out a good chunk of space to devote to these responses. I'd say he achieved his goal. People were reading the paper and talking about it. He got their attention, even if it was negative attention. And he wasn't apologetic in the slightest.

Why am I bringing this up? To make mention of the fact that you don't get noticed unless you do something incredibly stupid - or if you do something that could be perceived as incredibly stupid.

This is why I thought of the episode with the newspaper. Yesterday I was looking for a birthday present for my nephew (who turns one in a little over a week) and I happened to notice this adorable piece of baby couture -

I laughed, snapped a picture for Instagram and captioned it with that if my niece was still a little baby, I would totally buy this for her! (and if they had a version with camo and tractors, maybe I'd get one for my nephew. Hey, a little advertising never hurts.)

After I posted the picture and the caption, that obscenely annoying Stupid Desperate Voice in my head said "OMG -YOU IDIOT! You don't post stuff like that on social media! What if some guy sees it and writes you off as some pathetic old maid who's too desperate for a date and then he won't ask you out!"

To which I replied - "Dear Stupid Desperate Voice - I haven't been on a date since the first Hobbit movie came out. I don't think a picture of a onesie on a clearance rack at WalMart is going to affect that too much. And even if it does - it's a hell of a lot more attention than I've attracted in the last three years! I'll take anything at this point!"

(Yes, I have conversations with my mind chatter. I'm probably certifiably insane. But I somehow manage to function in the normal world).

This got me to thinking about how my attitudes and outlooks on dating have changed. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Ever since we had that idiotic "Dating Box" lesson at church a few weeks ago (it's some high school hold-over that these kids have that lit the fire under the boys' asses to ask girls out to prom or something) - I've decided that I'm taking on the Dowager Countess Violet (you know - Maggie Smith's character on Downton Abbey) outlook on this aspect of life. I've been in the game so long and am so tired of it that I might as well say whatever comes to my mind about it. Just like when your grandparents saw rude and offensive things and nobody bats an eye because Grandma's just crazy like that. That's what I'm going to do. Actually - I've already been doing it.

Some time ago, I was at a church activity for my Young Single Adult ward (which is an LDS congregation made up of single people ages 18-31. I'll be 30 in a little over a month, so I've got one foot in the grave as far as the YSA's are concerned).  At that activity, there was a guy that was about my age and he was completely surrounded by 20-22 year olds, just giggling and flirting with him like he was the last piece of meat at the buffet. I stood back and watched the scene unfold, like I had hundreds of times before, shaking my head at the idiocy on display.

After a while, we chanced to be at the Rice Krispy treat table at the same time. We introduced ourselves to each other and asked the typical "Where do you live?" "Are you working or going to school?" "Where do you work/What are you studying?" etc. Somewhere in the conversation his age came up and the comment just fell out of my mouth - "Ah - that explains the gaggle of fangirls you had earlier." He asked me to elaborate and I said "You're older, good-looking, have a good job, you're new(ish) in the ward - it's like throwing a bucket of blood in shark-infested waters!" He laughed and I threw out my Countless Violet comparison as a joke. Later that night, Stupid Desperate Voice came through and said "Oh, good job you idiot. He probably thinks you're a complete bitch for saying those things!" And my next thought was - "If he does, let him! That was damn hilarious!"

Here is my point - too many single women look at being single as a total hardship. Even when they're looking for things to be happy about, it's more akin to Scarlett O'Hara looking out at her family's plantation that has been made desolate by war and devastation and proclaiming through gritted teeth as she shakes her fist to the heavens - "I'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN!!!!!"



Does anybody remember this movie in its entirety? Do you remember Scarlett O'Hara. She was a complete and total bitch. I defy you to find me a protagonist in any medium of fiction who is more heinous, awful, selfish, bratty, and whiny than her. She is patently unlikable and you're almost rooting for her to keel over dead at ANY point during the movie. And yet - she is the one who wins Rhett Butler - who is arguably every red-blooded female's dream guy (him or Mr. Darcy - take your pick), while all this time that wretched whore is pining after that complete and utter twit Ashley. So, I guess it helps to be the "Mean Girl" because guys like that? I have no freaking idea -  don't ask me to explain the male psyche. Actually - don't ask me to explain the female psyche either, because and they're just as batshit insane.

So, we've got all these young women claiming that they don't need a man and they don't need marriage and they're defiantly yelling out into the world that they ARE LOVED, DAMMIT! But really, they're just saying that to diffuse the stigma (or whatever) of being single. They are DETERMINED to feel loved and valued no matter what!

It's hilariously sad to watch.

These are just my observations and musings on my generations' modes and methods and attitudes of dating. They're asinine and completely ridiculous, but it's what I have to work with. I'm not bitter or resentful at all. On the contrary - I'm happy to make jokes at their desperation and insanity. I'm not going to close with scripture or any kind of motivational speechifying, because I think we get enough of that and it's not like it helps. And I'm not here to help anybody. I'm here to point and laugh at it all. Because I have reached the point in my dating process that everything is either going to be hilarious or it's going to be depressing. And I've had enough of depressing. Everything is so serious nowadays that I'm going to take my utter discouragement and make a joke out of it. You get attention by making fat jokes. Scarlett O'Hara is a bitch, but she still wins the hot guy in the end. I may be loved in the metaphoric sense, but it doesn't do me a damn lick of good in any other quantifiable ways.

And I've made peace with that.

The Preemptive Critic - "Inside Out"

I think I might have spotlighted this movie already on my TPC feature, but this is Trailer #2 and it's even better then the first one -



I just that I haven't been feeling that great lately. Today there was just a lot of needless fighting and contention all around me, and I just don't do well with that sort of thing (especially when it gets out of control and even invades the places you thought were free of such garbage). Even when you try to explain that there's no reason for it, people get so entrenched in their way of thinking that it's pointless even to try fixing it. You just have to walk away and let them stew in their own juice (that, frankly, sounds disgusting). It reminded me of being on my mission when I would try to help someone, but they were having none of it, yet somehow I felt like I failed miserably, even though I did everything I knew how to do. And I probably bring it on myself for thinking I have to fix it all, but I really don't because everybody else has got to make their own decisions based on what they know. But that doesn't actually make me feel better about having failed.

What does this have to do with Inside Out? Honestly? Nothing. At least, nothing that I know of. But at the same time, I've heard people say that this is probably going to be a great movie to help kids (and adults) learn about mental health and such - and I'm already feeling it with this trailer (points for the video being set to Boston's "More Than a Feeling"). It doesn't take much for a movie like this to hit me where I need it most. Especially since I keep thinking no wondering about what I'm doing and if it's actually making any kind of difference to anybody. The answer is typically "No you're not doing a damn thing, you useless lump - nothing ever changes even when you want it to, so why in the hell are you even trying anymore?" and that doesn't help my mindset. It even makes me feel like the things that I have accomplished in the past don't mean diddly-squat, even though at the time I thought I was doing awesome.

Anyway - this movie's gonna make me bawl and I can't wait to see it. Sorry for the depressing blog post, but I'm just a little frustrated right now and if it takes a trailer for a Pixar movie to help me process it - well... welcome to being me.

The Road To Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.16 "Best Laid Plans" - SPOILERS!

I'm sorry - but after this episode wasn't quite as ZOMG TRAUMA as I thought it was going to be, I'm kind of in a giddy/punchy mood. I'm LAUGHING at how serious Snow and Charming were about the whole "We stole Maleficent's baby and we suck forever!" Faces of Sadness. And, thus, this song becomes appropriate because it's sooooo over-the-top in this case -



(Can you truly, truly imagine Snow and Charming going OMG SOOPER DARK om nom nom? I can't. So that whole Snowing Redemption sequence was unintentionally freaking hilarious because - let's face it - NOT GONNA HAPPEN)

Let me just start by saying - IT'S ALL SNOW WHITE'S FAULT! Think about it - she's the one that was all freaking out about "OUR BABY IS GOING TO BECOME ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND WE MUST AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS" while Charming's like "Our baby was cute and adorable and let me dazzle our audience with my endearing Daddy!Charming act." And then you have the Apprentice giving the whole "Everyone Has The Ability To Choose Good or Evil" speech THAT I HAVE BEEN YELLING AT THE TV FOR THE PAST FOUR WEEKS! (with the exception of last week because Hook's dilemma with the Author was pitch perfect, especially given how everyone else has been losing their shit about it - so, yeah, their worry might rub off on him a bit).

BUT NOOOO - Snow has to be all "NO DARKNESS FOR BABY!" so she goes and pulls an Oedipus where they tried to avoid the prophecy by fulfilling it anyway and life sucks and UBER GUILT that I totally did not buy for one measly second and... yeah, this episode wasn't as heavy as the promos and sneak peeks would have us believe. I would get upset and yell about false advertising, but this is ABC. If there isn't over-the-top HIGH DRAMA every week, pigs are flying and Satan is ice-skating.

Let me repeat myself - Snow White is not evil. She is never going to be evil. No matter how many times you tease us with dark spots on her heart or bad things she's done - I don't buy it AT ALL. She is not that badass no matter how many scenes of her running through the forest with a bow and arrow and wearing white leather pants you show us. She is still that sweet princess-y chick that sings to birds and totally flipped out when there was a sorta, kinda, possible chance that her baby could maybe be a villain. That whole thing was exceedingly ridiculous and Emma was right to be pissed at her mother for believing that she could become a villain.

Good grief.

Anyway - what else is there to like?

Killian Jones - STILL BETTER THAN ALL YOUR FAVES! After Ursula tells him Rumple's plan, what does he do? Immediately inform Team Charming that - Emma could go dark, yo! Even if Snow and Charming have their whole "This is super-uncomfortable" whisper argument (that Henry was completely oblivious to, apparently), Emma is quick to reassure Killian that she is NOT going to go dark, no matter what (even if the good captain is doubtful - and, truly, he has reason to be cautious. Unlike Ma and Pa Charming. I really didn't buy their concern AT ALL. Just in case you weren't sure of my opinion of the whole thing.

Sticking with the good ship Captain Swan - Killian getting a wee bit jealous of Emma and August's friendship - but Emma totally reassuring her precious pirate that they're just friends. I live for these little moments between them both (also - Mal's sleeping curse put Emma and Hook to sleep next to each other and that was just "totes adorbs").

(Yes, Emma - scruffy hot dudes who wear leather jackets. You totally have a type. But I'm gonna be 100% honest here - it's a good type to have ^_^)

Henry finding out the Author's hiding place - also that he gave Regina the forgery. Give that kid a medal and all the cookies in the world!

Gold - still holds the title for most in need of smackings (OH SURE - try to explain things to Belle while she's asleep. THAT makes EVERYTHING BETTER you freaking dipshit! Only because he knows she'd boot his ass right back out the door - and she would be justified in doing so).

MY WALT DISNEY AUTHOR TRIBUTE THEORY WAS CORRECT!! (sort of. It's close enough that I'm taking it). The way August explained the Author was BRILLIANT! I love that it's not just one person, but it's more like a caretaker role - someone who keeps these stories alive in the hearts and minds of the next generation, even if they tweak them a bit here and there. Of course, Uncle Walt was the one who preserved fairy tales for our generation (more or less - he got the ball rolling on fairy tales in movies and such and that tradition continues to this day), so why wouldn't Once Upon a Time, which owes so much to Walt's interpretation, pay tribute to the man? Even if he does end up being a troublemaking trickster in the end? I still think it's clever.

(Didn't he say that the peddler's name was Walt? I swear that's what he meant. I may have to give it another watch before I know for sure).

Overall - a few small pieces were good, the whole story was kind of "meh..." I guess I'm just not that enamored of Snow and Charming's deep dark secret (strike that - Snow is the one that gets on my nerves. I have zero problem with Charming most of the time).

Next Week - WE'RE GOING BACK TO OZ! ROBIN HOOD IS BACK! ZELENA'S IN FLASHBACK! THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING!!!

Seriously - last season's Oz storyline was amazing and wonderful and I wanted to know if they'd ever revisit that realm - BEHOLD IT IS HAPPENING!

(but dammit I have to wait two weeks. WHY MUST YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY?)

A Million-and-One Reasons Why Killian Jones is Better Than Everybody Else

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.15 "Poor Unfortunate Soul"  - SPOILERS!

NOTE: Yes, I skipped 4.14 "Enter the Dragon." Last week was kind of crazy for me and it slipped through the cracks. To be fair, that episode was completely and totally… meh. You know what I got out of it? More of Pre-Curse Regina's whining, Maleficent isn't as badass as she should be, hints of a Sleeping Beauty story I'd like to see but probably never will, Aurora is an ineffectual wet blanket, Rumple holds onto his title of "One Most in Need of Being Smacked Upside the Head," Killian Jones in the rain is sexy as hell, and Colin O'Donoghue needs to win all the freaking awards in the world but won't because the awards committees are stupid and ABC isn't HBO or AMC. Nothing I didn't already know and neither did you. Good enough? Moving On!

EVERYONE! I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE ONCE UPON A TIME EPISODE!

I'm not even kidding - I will probably watch this one as much as I do "Good Form" or "The Jolly Roger" or even the Captain Swan movie from last season.

I derive so much enjoyment from the Hook-centric episodes compared to some of the others OUAT gives me, I wonder why they even bother with the other characters (that's a rhetorical fangirly question - still, I wouldn't complain if a few changes were to take place). And it's not like the episodes that reveal Hook's backstory are treated any different than an episode of, say, Snow and Charming or Regina or Rumple. But I think what's different is that this show has become so saturated with those other characters that when we do get one that's about a different main character (i.e. Hook or Emma or Belle - or even the Frozen backstory from Season 4A) - it suddenly becomes more interesting and novel.

So - where to begin?

Pan's Villainy Revealed - FINALLY!

First of all - we finally (FINALLY) get an episode where we see past!Hook working for Pan (after all that crap was teased last season AND NEVER FULLY EXPLAINED. Nope, I'm never going to let that go) and it's... going to the Enchanted Forest on a cake run.

(Most Feared Monster in Neverland, everybody).

Still, it's great to see pirate!Hook again because, as much as I love Killian's modern look and whatnot, it's easy to forget his origins and I sometimes miss it.

Also great to see is a new twist on the classic story of The Little Mermaid - this time, with a young Ursula and her father, Poseidon (played by Ernie Hudson of Ghostbusters fame - tell me that was not completely awesome!) Turns out, Ursula's the one with the magically beautiful voice, which her father uses to entice ships to run aground and sink - which very nearly happens to the crew of The Jolly Roger (but doesn't, thanks to some quick thinking on the part of the ship's captain and a last minute change of heart from Ursula).

Look Out, Madam Mermaid

Okay - can I just say that my inner four-year-old Disney fan was squealing with joy at the fact that young Ursula in OUAT sings "Fathoms Below" from the movie. And if you have no idea what the crap I'm talking about (first of all - WHAT?) - here you go -

Anyway, Ursula's gone human and is singing in a tavern in order to earn money to get away from her father because she hates that he uses her voice in order to seek revenge for her mother's death at the hand of pirates. Ursula wants her voice to be used to make people happy and to do good things. Hook and his crew are in the tavern and he recognizes her voice as the one that could have wrecked his ship, but didn't - and being the total softie that he is (underneath that angry and vengeful pirate exterior), he agrees to take Ursula wherever she'd like to go.

Problem is, Daddy Poseidon gets wind of Ursula's plans and tries to convince Hook to steal Ursula's voice, but Hook - honorable scamp that he is, promised that he wouldn't hurt Ursula because that's not good form. But he does ask Ursula to steal the squid ink that Poseidon promised in exchange for Hook double-crossing Ursula so Hook could get his revenge on Rumple (confused yet?) Poseidon puts a stop to this scheme as well and Hook, in his anger, steals Ursula's singing voice anyway, which causes Ursula to become the vengeful and evil sea witch - and that's the terrible thing Hook did to Ursula that was referenced two episodes ago.

You Don't Need The Author To Get What You Want

This brings us to present day Storybrooke and the Queens of Darkness. Team Hero figures out that Rumple tricked Belle by using Killian's appearance to steal the dagger from her (oh man - CAN'T BELLE JUST CATCH A BREAK FROM ALL OF RUMPLE'S BULLSHIT?) Killian is rightfully pissed that the Dark One is still at large, so he decides to use his past with Ursula to find out what Rumple has planned. And here is where things start to get interesting.

All through this "Operation Mongoose" business, I'm watching these villains seek to manipulate the system and all I can think is "Hook's got his happy ending and he was a villain once - what gives?" So I am glad that this episode tried to answer that question and actually addressed this whole situation in several ways.

The first one is since Hook has made some pretty big changes in his life and turned his whole outlook around, he offers Ursula her happy ending back that he stole in the first place. If Ursula agrees to cough up the Dark One's plans, he'll give her back her singing voice.

See? No author, no magic, just honesty. Piece of cake.

Except - Ursula's voice is on The Jolly Roger. The same Jolly that Hook traded to Blackbeard for the magic bean to get back to Emma in New York (excuse me while I go cry for a moment... okay, I'm good). But Ursula has ways of getting the ship back - which she does. And... it's a bottled ship.

(Hold on while I - OMG IT'S THE JOLLY AND IT'S BACK AND IT'S TINY AND SO CUTE I WANT ONE!)

Sadly, the tiny!Jolly isn't going to be much help, so Hook and Ursula go to Gold's Shop where Belle and Will are totally making out have a potion from Wonderland that can make the Jolly big again (and Hook trades a few snipes with Will - after a bit of a harsh-but-not-undeserved jab at Belle "Oh NOW you check my identity!")

AND HOORAY IT'S THE JOLLY ROGER IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, MY FRIEND!

(I'm thinking that's where Hook and Emma are going to take up residence when all this is over. Just a theory, mind you)

Long story short - Killian gives Ursula back the seashell with her voice (it's locked in a safe where the key is in Killian's hook and I just LOVE that!) - but she can't get her voice back because of reasons, so she gets pissed and knocks Killian out and chucks him out into the ocean.

(For a guy who spent hundreds of years sailing the seas, Killian certain spends a lot of time almost drowning)

But never fear! Ariel is here to save the day! (HELLO FRIEND I MISSED YOU TOO!) There's an explanation of why she's here, which I'll save for someone else to dissect - but Ariel, though her appearance is brief, gives what may be THE most important nugget of wisdom in all this Operation Mongoose insanity -

I sure hope he's filing this away for future reference (gif set source)

The Only Payoff For Having Any Faith...

Before I head into my OMG TEH FEELS!!!! conclusion - I have to circle back for Emma Swan. Who, if you remember, is being kept from the truth of her own villainous potential from her incredibly naive-but-well-meaning parents (and who are slowly crawling up my list of People Most In Need Of Smackings - not quite to Rumple-levels, but they're somewhere in there). I'd just like to draw this parallel (that was pointed out to me via Tumblr - but I've got some to say about it).

I think I figured out why Snow and Charming (mostly Snow) have been annoying the crap out of me lately - Snow has got this insufferable way of denying that anything bad is or could possibly happen. I liken it to the part in Season 2 of in Avatar: The Last Airbender where Team Avatar is in the Earth Kingdom capital of Ba Sing Se to ask for the Earth King's help in fighting the Fire Nation. But we find out that the Dai Li (the Earth Kingdom's secret agents) routinely kidnap and brainwash people who even mention the war within the walls of Ba Sing Se. Everyone must be happy OR ELSE!

Snow is kind of like that in her own way - any hint of Emma doing or saying anything that could be construed as "dark" is a problem. But Snow - for all OUAT's assertion that this Snow White is badass and she was a bandit and she knows how to ride horses and shoot arrows and wear pants and go camping - she's still Snow White. She's still that sweet little princess lady who sings to birds and lives in a palace and befriends dwarves and everything is rainbows and sparkles and YAY! They are fooling precisely no one with this tough-woman act, I'm sorry.

Emma, on the other hand, is hardcore into confronting the truth and she is brutally honest. She says that, yes, she wants to kill Rumple just like Killian said he wanted to stab the Dark One with his own dagger and never mind the fact that he'd become the Dark One instead. Now, in reality if he was given the choice, Killian probably wouldn't actually do that, but Emma understands Killian's frustration because Emma's lived with some of those same emotions. Snow is never going to understand that because she's never been the villain. I'm not saying this is a bad thing - but sometimes the sickly-sweetness of Snow White kind of grates on me. Too much of a good thing and all that (and even in the "Next Time" promo - Snow is still trying to appeal to Emma with that sweet nature and Emma, who must have found out about her parents OMG SOOPER DOOPER SEKRIT, is clearly having none of it).

And, as an aside, there is one promo for next week floating around out there that shows Hook going directly to Team Charming with the information that Rumple is gunning for Emma and her potential for Great Darkness(tm). Which shows to me that, yes Hook has kept secrets from Emma in the past, but he has learned from those mistakes and he is NOT going to to that again. Remind me who the evilest of villains here is?

(Just one more on the pile of Reasons Why Killian Jones is Better Than Everybody Else)

...Is When It's Tested Again and Again

Back at Gold's cabin where Team Darkness is keeping no-longer-little-kid-Pinocchio prisoner (long and boring story), Ursula is going on a rampage against Team Hero, who tracked them down to their hideaway. Long story short - Hook comes back with Daddy Poseidon, who is ready and willing to make amends with Ursula. They make up and everything is awesome and Ursula - who to this point was a villain - just got her freaking happy ending WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THAT DAMN AUTHOR!

(Killian Jones, take a bow, you heroic pirate, you).

Everybody clears out - and here we come to the second way in which Operation: Mongoose was not in fact rendered completely moot. Remember how I said Hook's got his happy ending and I was wondering why no one was paying attention to that fact all the while running around like a bunch of crazies looking for this freaking author when all they had to do was stop and wonder - "Wait... how the hell did he manage it?" Well - while that still isn't entirely an unprofitable line of inquiry, Killian himself is starting to ask that question. And if you ever wondered why I ship Captain Swan so much - I would say look no further than this scene WHICH WILL COMPLETELY TEAR YOUR HEART TO PIECES AND YOU WILL LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT!



PUNCH ME IN THE FACE AND BURY ME WHERE I STAND I CANNOT WITH YOU TWO ANYMORE (but I will because you are the freaking BEST on this or any show EVER!)

If that wasn't an "I love you," then I don't know what is.

Beyond my *happy fangirling*, though - just look at this for a minute. NOT ONCE does Killian imply that he wants to the author to give him his happy ending. If Killian Jones wants something, he goes out and gets it himself - or he works damn hard to get it. And until now, he's never thought that he could lose his happiness because of something that's outside his control. Yes, he's worked to become a better person and leave his villainous persona behind and seek redemption - but what if that's not enough? What if it's too late to prove himself? Despite assurances from Emma and everybody else that he is indeed a hero, it's possible that Killian could totally lose everything he's worked so hard to fix. I mean, name one thing (besides the thing with the pistol in the Jolly - which totally didn't work) that Killian did in the present day in this episode that would be considered villainous? He gave Ursula back her voice, he helped her make amends with her father, he's consistently been on the side of good - yet he still thinks of himself as a bad guy.

And then you have Emma, who up to this moment STILL doesn't think that she's anybody's happy ending. I mean - Emma, honey - DO YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE TO ASK? And the answer is - yes. Honestly - she really does. She's never been loved by anyone like this - she doesn't trust easily and she doesn't open herself up that often. I think she still has that fear in the back of her mind that she's going to wake up one morning and Killian's going to be gone, just like every other guy she's trusted with her heart. I mean, these two have both been through so much crap and now they've each finally found another person who cares about them deeply - and the ONLY REASON they could lose this wonderful little thing that they because of a bunch of stupid villains who can't get their own crap together. BUT BY DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER AND THAT IS TRUE FREAKING LOVE RIGHT THERE!

So, this sets up for more drama and angst, but I figured it was coming because, hell, Snowing had their challenges to face. How could Captain Swan (or Outlaw Queen, for that matter) expect to do any less? Personally, I cannot WAIT for this story to unfold - and I'm still hoping for Rumple to get impaled on his own dagger (nobody has to actually stab him with it. He could just be running and trips and he stabs himself. Problem solved)

Other Things I Liked/Noticed -

- I knew the Outlaw Queen reunion was a sham - but I theorized that it was Rumple impersonating Robin the same was he did Killian. I didn't think it'd be a dream sequence. Either way, I'm glad we got to see Robin Hood again, even if it wasn't for very long.

- Hook and Will trading jabs at Gold's Shop. Yes, please - give me more!

- "I'm good at surviving or you're just bad at killing." HOOK WINS ALL THE THINGS!

- Cruella was surprisingly quiet through all of this, but she had some lovely moments - like totally lusting after August. I like to keep my blog on the clean side of PG-13, but I think you can imagine where this crack ship could go.

- And this -

I don't care who you are - that's Twue Wuv, right there. (gif source)

Next Time -

Remember how "Smash The Mirror" was such an important Emma episode for how she sees herself and her relationship with her family? I think "Best Laid Plans" is going to go in that direction as well. But that's just a guess -



Buckle in, kiddos because CRAP IS GETTING REAL!

*runs off to watch that Captain Swan ending again*

Just. Can. Not. Spit. It. Out.

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.13 "Unforgiven" - Spoilers!

*sigh* Once - can we have a little heart-to-heart here for a minute?

Last year when everybody was dancing around the whole "Peter Pan is Rumplestiltskin's father" reveal? How secretive everyone was? How you had to resort to some pretty clunky not-exposition in order to keep the whole thing a surprise in The-Episode-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named (it's "Think Lovely Thoughts," if you're having a hard time guessing) and then afterward it's mentioned every other moment? And do you remember just how DUMB I thought the whole thing was? And how it tainted the brilliance of the reveal in the next story arc of the Wicked Witch being Regina's half-sister because we'd just got off this stupid roller coaster with Pan and we were so damn tired of these idiotic little glorified click-bait teases?

I SERIOUSLY, honest and truly hope you're not going down a similar path with this whole "What did Snow and Charming do to Maleficent and her baby?" SOOPER SEKRIT mystery - OMG WE MUST KNOW!!! Honestly, you guys do have a tendency to over-promise and under-deliver on these great big twists. I mean, I was getting tired of you all dragging out the BIG TIME SECRET THAT EMMA MUST NEVER LEARN during the episode - and it turned out to be that Emma has the potential for great darkness.

Well... duh. Her and every other person who's ever walked the planet. Tell me something I don't know (other than I am SO glad you didn't drag THAT part of the story out beyond the end of the episode. I mean - Snow and Charming know what they did, what's the point of being all "You-Know-Who" between the two of them? JUST FREAKING TELL US ALREADY!)

*sigh* *again* I really don't enjoy pre-Curse Snow and Charming (and Regina, but this episode didn't have her Enchanted Forest persona) flashbacks. It's like - we spent ALL OF SEASON 1 dealing with the hideousness of the Dark Curse. Yes, it was terrible. Yes, it forms the the entire premise on which this show is based. Yes the FREAKING CURSE WAS BROKEN ALREADY AND HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME! Can we please do something different???

Anyway - Snow and Charming were kind of "...meh..." in this episode (that's not anything new). Boring old secretiveness for the sake of being secretive and it amounts to a big old pile of... nothing. But that's not to say I didn't enjoy the episode. There were some really good moments here. And they were all in Storybrooke.

Granny's Reserves the Right to Refuse Service

With all that carping and complaining out of the way, I'm going to praise several things that Once consistently does right. That is their villains and (most of) the characters' interactions with them. How can you not LOVE Granny pointedly ignoring Cruella and Ursula and their desire to order drinks? Made even better when Will Scarlet comes in for "the usual" and Granny happily obliges with two coffees (two, huh? Hold onto that).

My Kingdom for an Author

Fandom by and large seems to be split on whether or not Regina's quest to find the Author of Henry's storybook - but I don't have a problem with it. It gives Regina a chance to do a few things that she hasn't had the chance to do (and lets us all have a break from the unending feud between the Evil Queen and the Charmings. I mean it) Like have some meaningful interaction with Henry. Season 4 has been very generous to Regina and Henry and giving the both of them to bond, which is something Regina sorely needs. Also, the scene between Regina and Gepetto in the garage was absolutely beautiful. It's good to see other characters' opinions of Regina change and improve, especially since that's such a key part of a redemption arc.

Daddy/Daughter Sheriffing

Anytime I get to see Emma and David together is an absolute joy. Having the pair of them chasing after the Queens of Darkness was so much fun. I mean, I know I carped about how all this secretiveness feels kind of forced and unnecessary, but for some reason, I don't mind when it's Emma trying to get the details from Daddy Charming. Maybe it's because Emma says what many in the audience are thinking - sure, they're villains, but are they really that bad? That confusion goes even further when David lets Cruella and Ursula go after he swipes Maleficent's claw-thingy from Cruella's car and Emma doesn't get what in the world he's doing.

Grilled Cheese = True Love

You all knew this was coming. Yes, there were things about this episode that I could do without. But you give me anything Captain Swan related and you have my complete and undivided attention and what was in this episode was worth all the "Ugh - THIS AGAIN?" stuff from the flashbacks. Even though Emma and Hook's storyline in this episode deals with Hook being (seemingly) unnecessarily secretive, I so did not mind. For one thing, the way that this whole thing was framed, I know Hook's past with Ursula is going to be dealt with in detail in an upcoming episode (and... I read online spoiler reports and episode titles), so I'm content with waiting.

For another, this is yet another instance of a love story that has its roots in fairy tales and fantasy, but the through-line of it is so very true-to-life. Hook and Emma are absolutely crazy about each other, there is NO disputing that. However - as with any relationship between two people - things from the past do come up to impact the present and those things often come up unexpectedly. Whatever happened with Ursula, Hook was not prepared to discuss it with Emma, which is why that scene in the station that started out with Hook bringing his Lady Faire her coveted grilled cheese sandwich had such a great impact on the story. Emma doesn't think she's bringing up anything too heavy and it's totally okay to ask Hook about it after a bit of adorable playful flirting. Clearly, Hook doesn't want to talk about it. Emma assumes that he's hiding something and he leaves in considerably less good humor than he came in. That is real life, my friends. Little things happen between people that cause temporary hurt and anger and confusion, even between the most dear of loved ones.

However - Emma has been on this wonderful path of self-discovery since the beginning of the show and we are blessed to see the fruits of her experiences. Not so much her experiences of fighting dragons and time travel and sailing to Neverland - but the moment when she comes back from talking to her parents and how she automatically assumed that they were lying to her when she "knows" they'd never do that (oh.... crap....) So, she calls Hook and asks him to come over so she can make things right with him and THESE TWO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER SO MUCH AND I CAN'T GET OVER HOW PERFECT THEY ARE FOR EACH OTHER AND I JUST WANT TO EXPLODE IN A HAPPY BURST OF RAINBOWS AND GLITTER!!

And then Emma catches Snow and Charming eavesdropping on her conversation with Hook and everyone's embarrassed except Hook who just looks complete DONE with all of this.

Excellent timing, Mama Snow. (gif source)

Sometimes, my joy for my ship can only be expressed in gif form :)

The Unforgiven Curses

(I was trying to tie that in - probably didn't work so well).

Beyond the lovely monologuey-voice-over Snow has of talking about Emma's potential for darkness while we see Emma and Hook happily walking through town (RAINBOWS AND GLITTER, YOU GUYS!) - there is one more moment that bears mentioning. Rumple is skulking around outside his shop which Belle has continued to maintain, as well as being the town librarian. Rumple sees Belle in the shop window... but then she is joined by Will Scarlet and the two share a kiss (PS - earlier when Cruella and Ursula were in Gold's shop, Belle had a coffee cup identical to the two that Will picked up from Granny's at the beginning of the episode - I didn't pick up on that; someone pointed it out to me). Rumple is clearly distraught at seeing his wife having moved on from his stupid-ass shit - to which I say GOOD FOR BELLE! I would dearly, dearly love Belle to have a storyline that was completely independent of Rumple's crap. And if that storyline means that she and Will Scarlet hook up, that is totally okay by me.

(I don't have any illusions to the idea that Scarlet Beauty is going to become endgame - to use fandom parlance in this case - but I just like that Belle is getting on with her life after been in Rumple's shadow and a pawn in his schemes for WAY too long).

What's Next?

Maleficent had a baby and the Charmings did something to the baby that's OOOH OMG SECRET DON'T TELL NOBODY!

(this whole "Secrets and Lies" storyline better amount to something more than a Broadchurch-knockoff that airs on ABC after Once Upon a Time, that's all I'm saying)

Have a "Next Time" promo and we're gonna bounce!



(not gonna lie - I'm kinda diggin' Maleficent's 1920s gangster look)

The Reset Button at the Edge of Town

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time 4.12 "Darkness At the Edge of Town" - SPOILERS!!!

Oh, Once - it is good to have you back in my life again.

One thing this show has always, always, always, ALWAYS excelled at is misdirection. And I mean that in a good way. Making you think you're going one way, but then you go somewhere completely different. I mean, how many story arcs have we gone where there's a villain who could have made a different choice, but they don't and that becomes their (ugh - can't believe I'm going to say this) undoing? Cora had choices to make, Peter Pan had choices to make, Zelena had choices to make - they all chose poorly.

Parallel this with the villains who have made good choices - Regina is the poster child for villain redemption, with Captain Hook at her heels as a close runner-up (and I characterize him as the runner up because he's had one less season to gain redemption - though maybe I should consider him as better at it, since he's done more in less time... but I digress). The Snow Queen even had redemption for a brief moment, before her chance to make amends resulted in her taking her own life to save everyone else (which was quite the change from the one-off baddies constantly choosing to stick with their terrible plans). Rumplestiltskin had his chance to be redeemed until he completely pissed it away at the end of Season 4A (obligatory DAMMIT RUMPLE!)

So with this new story arc of Heroes and Villains and the Queens of Darkness and villains getting happy endings - they're done hinting at all these parallels. This show is going to go full-bore into how these choices affect the outcome of which side you choose to embrace.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

After the complete and total bomb zone Storybrooke was after the events of the Frozen arc (Spell of Shattered Sight, Rumple's villainous bullshit, time behind the ice wall) - it was good to have a few little scenes at the start of this episode to kind of show what "normal life" ought to be in our favorite little quirky fairy tale town. Regina is dropping Henry off at the bus stop before resuming her post as the mayor of Storybrooke (PRAISE HEAVEN AND HALLELUJAH!) Mary Margaret is back to teaching school. Granny is tending Baby Baelfire (still not calling the kid what they named him), Emma's off to work as town sheriff - but not before meeting Killian for a morning coffee and a squee moment for us Captain Swan shippers. And Killian and Belle are working together to find a way to free the fairies/nuns from the Sorcerer's Hat that Killian helped imprison them in when he was under the control of Rumplestiltskin because Rumple had Killian's heart in his attache case.

You know - business as usual.

The Enemy of My Enemy

I really, really, really love that we got a scene with both Killian and Belle - given their past history, but also their past of being screwed over by Rumple. Thing is - Belle doesn't really have any friends in Storybrooke, since her story has always revolved around Rumple. And Killian still has an air of being an outsider in town, his relationship with Emma Swan, notwithstanding (probably has to do more with him not having been part of the original curse). So, it's good to see them both being friends with each other and working toward a common goal - which hints at things to come in the future (this being a premiere episode of sorts - it has to set up a lot of stuff after coming back off hiatus).

Speaking of Rumple - he's in New York mooching Top Ramen off Ursula in a dumpy apartment filled with fish. He's a cryptic bastard, as per usual, and still doesn't seem to have learned anything in his six week exile from Storybrooke. My advice to Ursula? Dump his sorry ass off on some curb and get on with your damn life, honey.

But then we wouldn't have a story, would we?

If She Doesn't Scare You

When the Queens of Darkness were introduced and Cruella de Vil was included, I kept thinking "How in the crap is she going to fit in?" The traditional character isn't magical at all - she just goes after puppies for fur coats. Now, the Once version does have magic - she has this green breath that can make living creatures do whatever she wants (and she chooses to use it on rottweilers in the Enchanted Forest. Ummm... 'kay?) - but where her appeal comes is in her personality and her confidence - which is FABULOUS. I know next to nothing about Victoria Smurfit outside of OUAT, but so far she is doing a pitch-perfect job as being this incredibly conceited, high-and-mighty, take no shit offa nobody, absolute queen of villainy. She's got just the right amount of over-the-top nuttiness and almost boredom that just makes this character work.

This really should have been a promo image for the premiere.

Modern-day Cruella is introduced in a way that totally makes sense for her character. She is losing her ostentatious mansion because her wealthy husband is being carted off in the most publicly humiliating way possible (someone called TMZ and the FBI showed up - it looks to be). She gets to keep one of her fur coats AND she's got The Car (you know the one I'm talking about). She even almost runs over an FBI agent when she tears out of the driveway, which means this is gonna be GOOD.

Life's Like a Novel With the End Ripped Out

Back in Storybrooke, Operation Mongoose is front-and-center, just like Emma promised Regina. Personally - my thoughts on the identity of the Author run thusly: I almost don't care about it. The show has made it very clear that it is a person's choices that determine what they become. Rumple even said as much to Regina at the end of the Frozen arc. Yet, now everyone is obsessed with this Author and think they're going to just find this person and flat-out DEMAND he/she/it/they rewrite the book.

And yet... and this might be kind of dumb, but just go with me... I harbor a secret hope that this is going to be Once's way of paying homage to Walt Disney. I thought this clear back at the Season 4 premiere when Rumple found the Sorcerer's Hat and there were those connections to Fantasia and The Sorcerer's Apprentice and how the Sorcerer in that movie is named Yen Sid and tradition holds that he was loosely based on Walt Disney, especially the disapproving look he gives his Apprentice - which is the same look he gave the animators at Disney Studios when they weren't doing as good a job as Walt knew they could. For Once Upon a Time to make Walt Disney a part of this universe in some tangential way would be brilliant beyond brilliant - given how much this show owes to the genius of Disney Studios for inspiration. Honestly - just how much fans of fairy tales in general owe Uncle Walt. Sure, we might have read or seen fairy tales anyway if Disney didn't have this great tradition of telling these beloved stories - but would it really be the same? Just think about it. Disney made these stories (and so many others) accessible and relatable to ordinary people. Whether you're a complete Disneyphile or just watch the movies to keep your kids entertained - you honestly cannot look me in the eye and say that Walt Disney didn't change the way stories are told - and that the company he started doesn't continue in that tradition even today. There is a reason movies like Frozen and Big Hero 6 get awards and accolades and people love them. There is one thing that Disney movies have (for the most part) that many others don't - and that is heart. Sure, other studios try to recreate that magic and some come close, but for some reason, Disney did it first and Disney does it best. So, to have a show that brings all these stories together (and, yes, not all of these are Disney, but enough of them are) pay tribute to the man himself would be fitting and glorious and I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it

(I'm not holding out too much hope for it - this is just pure speculation at this point and there's no guarantee that this is what they're going for. But it's nice to think about).

Song of the Lonely Mountain

Long story short - Belle and Killian come rushing in with a solution to the fairies-trapped-in-magic-hat problem. Regina does the thing, the fairies are freed. Yay! Except - someone didn't notice the evil blob of smoke that also got released, which turns into Chernabog (hey! Another Fantasia reference!) and that thing comes back to terrorize Storybrooke while everyone's at Granny's having a "Yay! We Saved The Fairy Nuns!" party

We're not in Arendelle anyomore

Regina and Emma scare off Cherny (that's what I'm calling it - it's not quite as cute as "Marshmallow" and I'm kind of missing my Frozen peeps right now), but they take off toward the town line to really get rid of the damn thing. Cherny almost destroys Emma's Bug (it breaks the windshield, which I suppose is the best we could have hoped for) and it tumbles beyond the town line and gets dusted.

Except Cruella and Ursula are there as well (Rumple's off hiding in the trees, presumably) and they call Regina using Rumple's phone - and this is where things get REALLY interesting, because the two Queens of Darkness tell Regina that they've reformed and they want to change and come to Storybrooke and be with the heroes.

Now - see how clever these writers are. Because through three-and-a-half seasons, this has been all about villains getting redemption and second chances and making good choices. And here we have two villains who are trying to get in the heroes' good graces by claiming to be redeemed and changed.

Now - how could this get any better in the storytelling department? Insinuate that Emma Swan - the Savior of Storybrooke, the product of True Love, the purveyor of the strongest light magic - could potentially be turned to evil. Like, go totally dark magic. I mean - we're all thinking "No way in HELL would that happen..." but we also did think that the was no going back for the Evil Queen and she ended last season actually using light magic. So if that door opens one way, conceivably, it could go the other.

Ohhhhhh boy...

Other Things I Liked/Noticed:
- Cruella calling Rumple "short stuff." Actually, any kind of snark she throws at Rumple is fantastic. More please.

- Fairy tale villains going for drive thru on the way to do villainous things. Best. Unexpectedly Hilarious. Thing. Ever!

- Regina incinerating Mary Margaret's bluebird painting in the mayor's office - and Emma not saying a word about it when she comes by to bring Regina lunch.

- Ursula correctly deducing that Belle was the one to banish Rumple. Oh, I am SO going to enjoy this half-season!

- "I suggest we go see what's killing property values this time." Oh, Regina - never change.

- Also - "Sea bitch"

- And, of course, all things Captain Swan. Killan and Emma holding hands when Regina was freeing the fairies from the hat, Emma cheering Killian up when he was feeling low about putting the fairies in the hat in the first place, all the little happy casual moments between the two of them - I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT!

This was a solid start to this new story arc and I'm interested to see where it goes. Last fall, I had Frozen to be excited for and about and I wondered how Once was going to top that. I think they're off to a good beginning.

Besides - it's just good to be back writing about one of my favorite shows again.

Next Week: A return to pre-Curse Snow and Charming. *sigh* Well... if we must...