It's the Brain Damage!

I drove my mom and sisters up to Happy Valley to do some back to school shopping.  Holy crap on a cracker, can you say "baby factories?"  I swear, every screaming child under the age of five within potlucking distance of Zoobie land was in Ross and Old Navy today.  Even worse, it was their deadbeat parents that dragged them in the store, let them run wild while Mom and Dad snuck a Diet Coke in the dressing room ("Heavenly Father is our baby-sitter."  Geesh... I wish I could get an emoticon to roll its eyes).

My family wonders why I'm still single - why I don't even date.  Well, gee, let me spell it out for you: dating leads to liking a guy, which leads to REALLY liking this guy, which leads to falling in love, which leads to an engagement, which leads to a wedding (which is it's own kind of insanity), which leads to a honeymoon, which (sooner or later - especially in Mormon culture) leads to a boatload of children driving everyone around me absolutely crazy, which will quite possibly lead to my mug shot on the 6:00 news headlining a story of how I locked them in a closet for a year/drown them in the bathtub/fed them rusty nails for dinner (take your pick - CSI has a whole list of them).

Now, I have nothing against kids in general.  In fact, kids can be a lot of fun.  When they belong to other people who have the time, the desire and the disposition for them.  I can only handle so much - which is evidently the case for some Old Navy shoppers in Orem because I saw and heard a lot more kids than I saw/heard adults corralling these terrors (maybe it was the noise bouncing off the concrete floor - but I doubt it).  I actually had a bet with myself going on if the parents of a little girl ahead of me in the checkout line would notice that their sweet angel still had a plastic margarita-ish glass in her hand when they got out the door after they had paid (turned out I lost the bet, but it was pretty close).

When I start to get down on myself that I'm not married and don't have kids, all I have to do is go shopping in Utah County (barring that - go to any Wal-Mart on a Saturday morning) and I will be cured of that within minutes.  I am a staunch, tried and true Mormon - but I might even start reciting the Catholic vows of chastity.  Just in case.

In fact - that's how you can combat teenage pregnancy.  If any high school-age couple is contemplating doing the "wild thing," don't assault them with statistics of how young mothers don't finish school or that the guy is going to have to pay child support - don't even bother talking about STDs.  Just let the two baby-sit five or so kids under the age of ten for a couple of hours (some should be boys who are just old enough to want to try to beat the crap out of each other) and they'll have their legs locked up tight.  Bonus points if the kids are related to one of the teenage couple (because then you can scare them by discussing genetics and "The Mother's Curse.").

My one consolation - I didn't have to cart any of those yard apes home.  Heaven be praised.

Guess I'll Just Sweat All Summer

The girls were out of school today, so Mom took all us sisters shopping for new clothes and I was excited - until we got there and found that everything was (a) out of my price range and (b) ugly beyond all reason. Like, fat old lady ugly. I`m really sad about this becuase all of my summer clothes are worn out and I could use a few new things. Most of the cute thing I own are for the depths of winter. I hate dressing for summer.

Wait a sec... when did I become so clothes-conscious? I used to hate this crap. Now I`m all... girly. Ugh...

In my defense, I didn`t get much sleep last night. My sister, the Fireplace Nazi, wouldn`t let us turn the electric fire on last night, so the basement was freezing and I was up until about 2:00 trying to fall asleep. Then I threw on a pair of socks and stole a blanket from the aformentioned Nazi`s bed and all was well (Holy Jimmy Carter... XP)

Beware the Walking Smiley Faces

Before I really get into it, I don't mind Wal-Mart. Really, I don't. Where else can you get 4 for $5 pizzas and the latest Coldplay CD for $11.88? (Whereas at Borders or Hastings, you have to fork out $15). And they have a nice journal selection. Things are inexpensive and in one place, which I like because I am still trying to get on the other side of being a "poor college student" where I'll one day be able to afford to go to other places - you know, like ShopKo and Target. And if Wal-Mart employees don't like working there, they can quit and get a 9-5 salaried job like the rest of us who have moved up from being minimum wagers.

That being said, I have a rather hilarious story to tell.

I was at the new Wal-Mart in town getting a few things. While I was looking for a composition notebook, I came upon a group of "suits" from corporate Wal-Mart. I knew they were suits because... well, they were wearing suits as well as those cute little red, white and blue name tags. And they were oohing and aahing over a magnetic whiteboard as they walked (wasn't even a high-quality one, as far as I could tell - I was minding my own business, as usual). This would not have merited a mention, except the ringleader looked right at me and in his greatest impression of those yellow Wal-Mart smiley faces, he said *imitate goober falsetto happy voice* "HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING?!!!!!!"

I replied "okay" and continued on - they went on to talk to some "Maurice" that they probably have never met before but only knew his name because he had a Wal-Mart nametag on. Yet, they talked him "Liek - OMG! We're BESTEST BEST FRIENDZZZZ EVAR!!! LOL!!!"

I guess this is a thing with corporate people in general, that when they come to mingle inside the stores (or even restaurants - I've had experience with these in the food service industry as well) that they have to pretend to be the customers long-lost grandmother rather than have this relationship - "You own the store, you're here to make sure things are getting done - I am merely here because you are the only store in town that lets me buy $1 microwave dinners. We don't have to be BFFs, kthx."

Seriously, these guys were creepy. And I have seen enough magical girl anime to know that it's the creepy ones that you have to be the most wary of. (Honestly, if the heroine would just blast the first nit who came along with a terminal illness and/or a lot of money and a hot sports car, they'd be saved a lot of headaches... but the fans wouldn't have a story to enjoy... wait - what was a I talking about?)

Oh, but you want to know the best part of the story? I got up to checkout and I asked the cashier if they were being visited by corporate. She said she'd seen a few suits around. I told her that I saw a few and I knew they who they were because no normal person is that happy on a Monday. She laughed - I think it was a highlight of her day. I think that's a first - a customer "complaining" to a cashier about management. Usually it's the other way around. Really wasn't much of a complaint as it was a comment.

I can't imagine that corporate types are so deluded that they think they have to be sugary-sweet to the everyday customer that walks into the store. The regular employees know why we come in and we know why the employees work there. It is NOT because we're this huge happy Wal-Mart family or any of that other bullcrap that the sociology propaganda videos against Wal-Mart show you. We don't do the gay "Wal-Mart squiggly" cheer when we walk in the door. Most people working at Wal-Mart just need a job and didn't get beyond a high school education (some didn't even get that much). In fact, I suspect the only reason there's such a thing as a "Wal-Mart greeter" is to keep retired people from causing too much trouble being retired. And the customers are just there because we need to pick up a 58 cent 2-liter bottle of pop and a flat-screen TV. We're in, out and gone. End of story and I'll probably never see you again.

I have little patience with this kind of stupidity. And it's not exclusive to Wal-Mart either. Even in the most high-class stores in the mall this happens and would probably be worse if I showed up on a day when corporate came to call. I think stores need to have a sign out front that says "Warning - Corporate Goobs are here inspecting us. Beware of sugary-sweet idiocy and offers to wash your car and kiss your baby or your butt - whatever is bigger. Seriously, these guys are worse than presidential candidates in Iowa - they don't even offer taxpayer money to fund ethanol."

I'm not saying that they should be rude - but you don't have to go overboard to show how much you appreciate my business. You're getting $30 from me and I'm getting a week's worth of groceries from you. Fair exchange.

I'm one of those people that tries to keep salespeople away because I like finding what I need on my own. Funnily enough, I am smart enough for that (Just a thought: are there people who are so stupid they can't find what they need on their own?) And I find that salespeople complicate the process more than it needs to be complicated. If I need help, I will ask for it (and then hell will freeze over).

On the bright side: inspiration for a blog post can't be all bad. I guess these guys do have a function.