Jared Watched Sailor Moon Crystal: Episode 3 - Rei, Sailor Mars

We watched this episode right on the heels of the last episode, at Jared's insistence. Which is kind of amazing, because whenever I've tried to show him other magical girl/shojo anime, he's begged off that he can only stand so much crazy-squealy-sweet-goofiness in one go.

Folks, we are making progress.

Jared: Snark is very powerful. The Mystery Science Theater method really works.

Me: And it's not mean or malicious snark, either!

Nope - it's done all in love.

So, this review/recap begins with the "Next Time" trailer at the end of Episode 2, wherein Usagi and Luna are talking about seeing a really pretty girl if you catch the 6:00 bus on line 66...

Jared: What they're saying is really weird. And they spoiled her ENTIRE transformation sequence in the preview! Good job, everyone! I mean, you're almost into "Putting the Statue of Liberty on the cover" territory here!

Yeah... they kinda did. Who runs these stupid things, anyway?

Jared: We need to do another Magical Girl Campaign in D&D at some point.

Apparently, that's a thing the group once did. It was before my time, so I've only heard about it. It's probably going to happen.

Me: And this is study material!

The episode has begun while we've been talking. Queen Beryl is NOT happy with her minions and their failures. Someone new comes out of the shadows to cockily take over the post of Head Minion In Charge.

Nephrite: Queen Beryl, allow me, Nephrite, your loyal general, to succeed where Jadeite has failed.

Jared: But if you're a general, where are your troops? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Luna? Luna?

Did I mention Jared's a military fiction nut as well?

Jadeite: What is the Legendary Silver Crystal? Why is it so important?

Jared: How are they going to find it, if they don't know what it is?

We get a short glimpse of a young woman muttering about something evil coming... and cue opening credits!

But what would one of these be without lyrics commentary?

Jared: Her eyes are purple, not scarlet.

I glare at him a bit.

Jared: I know, I know. But saying "scarlet eyes" when even purple eyes don't happen in nature...

Me: They were forcing the translation to fit everyone's theme!

Jared: And it's still way better than the majority of anime theme songs.

I am not looking forward to the Season 3 theme song. Bleagh...

Jared: Even the ones in Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood weren't as good as the ones for the original Fullmetal Alchemist.

This prompts a side-trip so he can show me the original FMA theme song on his phone. I still have no opinion. I've only seen Brotherhood, though. And only once. We also theoretically discuss cosplaying Van Hohenheim and Trisha Elric for a future Comic Con.

And with THAT tangent out of that way - back to Sailor Moon!

After a VERY brief moment with a little girl named Mii and the mysterious shrine maiden that we have NO CLUE who she is (excuse me while I giggle), we're back with Usagi's Gang at school and the traditional "Gossipy Info-Dump," courtesy of Umino -

Jared: What's with the whole...? He can't finish his sentence. Umino does that to people, I'm finding out.

Meanwhile, Usagi is curled up next her desk and Luna peeks out from on her lap.

Luna: Wow, kids really do love to gossip, don't they?

Jared: YES THEY DO!

Luna jumps up and tries to wake up Usagi...

Luna: Usagi! We have to go meet Ami after school!

Jared: She's a little too free talking in class.

Usagi insists she's too tired, but then Luna mentions that they're meeting at the arcade and that gets Usagi's attention.

Jared: Oh boy... Poor Luna.

Later at the arcade, Ami muses about the sudden change her life has taken. Luna assures her that she'll get used to it and it'll be fine. Usagi's more interested in beating the Sailor V game.

After the meeting, Ami goes to her cram school. Ami tells Usagi that there's a "really pretty girl" on the bus route. Conveniently enough, that's the same route as the so-called "Demon Bus."

Jared: Okay, Luna is currently kitten-size. Just saying...

The girls get on the bus. As advertised, they see the famous "really pretty girl."

Jared: Oh hey, the flowers are back! I hadn't seen them in a couple of episodes.

Me: No, they were there.

Jared: Really?

Me: Yeah, when she saw Luna with Ami.

Indeed, the flowers are there.

Jared: Huh... I guess I was blanking them out.

Meanwhile, Usagi got off at the bus stop after the "really pretty girl" an Luna is kind of annoyed with her charge.

Luna: Did you get off here just to chase after that girl?

Usagi: She sooo beautiful! And I've got nothing else to do!

Jared: Except STUDY!

Rei's Inner Monologue: I sense an evil aura - is it a ghost? No demon or specter will haunt this sacred shrine! Not while I'm here!

Jared: DRAMATIC EXPOSITION!

Rei: Evil spirit, be gone!

You knew it was coming -

Rei: Huh? The girl from the bus?

Me: The one that was stalking and spying on me?

Seriously - it's amazing how well Rei took all that.

Rei: Still, it's strange. Phobos and Deimos usually don't usually attack regular people unless they've been provoked.

Jared: Ha! That is... sigh... of course the birds are named after the moons of Mars. Although, without the context, it's kind of creepy. A shrine maiden names her birds "Fear" and "Despair"?

Some women have come to the shrine looking for Mii, the little girl from the beginning of the episode. One of them is Mii's mother and asks Rei if she's seen her daughter lately. The other women eye Rei suspiciously.

Jared: You know, if this were an American show, those women would be rednecks.

*pause*

Jared: Oh, not "Despair" - "Dread."

That doesn't make it better!

Me: Ehhhh... close enough.

Rei tells everyone about the urban legend of the Sixth Hill of Sendaizakaue and the people who supposedly disappear near there.

Jared: So how is there an urban legend about the sixth hill, if people only recently started disappearing?

Me: The bad guys probably taking already-existing legends and using them in their plans.

The next day, Usagi overhears MORE gossip at school about people who've disappeared on the Demon Bus.

Jared: The Exposition Friends strike again!

Me: How else is she supposed to find things out? Other than, you know, actually talking to people.

Luna wonders if Rei could be their missing princess - since Rei is so beautiful and mysterious and has spiritual powers. Or, she could be something more sinister.

Jared: Why does she think that? I mean, they're not hiding who the princess is! At all!

Me: But Luna hasn't seen the opening titles.

Also, Ami and Usagi have their communicator watch-thingies from the arcade. SELL ALL THE TOYS!

Usagi and Luna talk on the bus ride to Hikawa Shrine. And Luna is VERY careless about who she lets hear her speak.

Luna: *meowing VERY unconvincingly*

Usagi: Luna? What's the matter?

Yes, she's THAT oblivious.

The camera pans up to reveal that same guy that Usagi keeps running into. No fancy flower-vision, sadly (though this guy's significance is BEYOND flower-vision).

Jared: *inelegantly snorts*

Mamoru: We seem to be running into each other a lot. There's no need to scream.

Jared: *LOL's*

The guy is introduced as Mamoru Chiba, a first-year high school student. Which is MUCH better than him being a college students and Usagi a middle-schooler. Yep.

Still kind of awkward. Because, Usagi.

Jared: Love at first... avoidance.

Usagi gets up the courage to ask Mamoru about the Demon Bus, which he says it's this bus. Usagi has no answer to that, but to hold Luna over her head like she's trying to hide under her cat. This girl sure knows how to make an impression on a guy. 

Jared: Stare at Luna's butt now.

Indeed, Luna keeps making protesting "Meowing" noises at the indignity of it all.

Jared: Poor Luna...

Me: I think that should be the title of the show: "Poor Luna."

Back from "commercial" -

Rei is confronted by the same angry women from earlier. She insists that she can't help them find Mii and that her mother would be better off calling the police.

Angry Woman 1: Her child is missing! You're supposed to be psychic! Why don't you help her?

Jared: Oh yeah - TOTAL redneck. Is there a Japanese equivalent?

I have no clue, so Jared consults Google...

Me: I thought they were more like high-class society ladies.

Jared: It's the tone and the complete lack of grace...

Meanwhile, Rei talks about her tough childhood and how difficult it's been for her to have psychic/spiritual powers all her life.

Usagi: Oh Rei... everything will be okay! I'll help you find Mii!

Rei: Thank you, Usagi. But you should stay away from me.

Me: Rei's a LOT nicer to Usagi in this version. In the original anime, she can be a high-class beyotch.

Jared: mumble, mumble... something... intelligible... potatoes...

Me (genuinely confused): What?

Jared: Instead of being called "rednecks" for getting sunburned on the neck, they're called "Smells Like Potatoes."

Rei suddenly senses that Usagi's in trouble, so she goes after her. But rather than find Usagi, Rei instead gets captured by Jadeite, who is driving the Demon Bus.

Jared: Sleeeeeeeep...

Usagi sees Rei unconscious in the bus.

Luna: Do you think that could be the Demon Bus?

As the bus disappears into a wall...

Jared: That seems to be a pretty good indication!

Usagi uses the Moon Disguise Pen to transform and go after her. She transforms into a flight attendant.

Luna: Why did you change into a flight attendant?

Jared: Yes, WHY did you?

Usagi: It's my duty to ensure the safety and comfort of all passengers no matter what!

Jared: *throws in hands in the air* Still makes no sense!

Usagi lets go of her bag and jumps to grab onto the bus at the last minute. She leaves behind her travel bad and flight attendant hat, as well as Luna, who is caught by Tuxedo Mask.

Jared: So what happens to the travel bag?

Me: It just gets left there, I guess. I don't know.

And we may never know.






Luna (calling Ami on the communicator): Ami! Ami! Can you hear me? Usagi is in trouble!

Me: Yes, Ami can hear you. And so can the entire cram school!

Jared: They wouldn't know it was the cat!

Luna just sucks at secrecy - let's be real here.

The bus travels to some shadowy and dark dimension where we see that Jadeite has been collecting unconscious humans for... reasons. Nephrite calls him out on this.

Nephrite: You should have just killed them, Jadeite.

Jadeite: There's a good reason to keep them alive.

Jared: PLOT CONVENIENCE!

Jadeite: Living hostages are better for luring out the Sailor Guardians.

Jared: I'm TOTALLY not a pansy Magical Girl villain! Nope, not at all. I'm not saying he should have killed them. It's not that kind of show.

I mock-punch him on the shoulder.

Elsewhere, Usagi frets about getting lost in this dark place and doesn't know how she's ever going to get out. Her progress is suddenly stopped.

Jared: And she just walks straight into a column.

The communicator goes off and Luna's voice comes through. She's with Ami back in the real world - and the cat is tying on Ami's laptop, trying to find Usagi.

Ami: Luna, can you track her location?

Luna: I need a stronger signal. This one's too weak.

Jared (laughing): Tap, tap, tap.

Me: I'm so glad you find this amusing.

Ami and Luna suggest Usagi transforms so they can get a stronger signal to find her. Which... she probably should have been transformed into Sailor Moon when she first got there - dangerous place and all that...

Jared: It's the different stuff, you know. They add the fingernail polish - and then they add gloves.

Me: It's double-girly.

Jared: Can normal people bend that far backwards?

Me: Gymnasts, maybe.

Jared: 'Cuz, I certainly can't! But maybe I'm not the best example...

Jadeite looms over Rei's unconscious form.

Jadeite: So beautiful. I'm strangely attracted to her, like we've met somewhere before.

Jared: FORESHADOWING!

I say nothing. I shouldn't even be mentioning it on the blog, since Jared reads it. But, he kind of figured it out, so whatever...

Then again, it wasn't THAT difficult. I was curious if he'd pick up on it, though.

Sailor Moon: I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and for justice! I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!

Jared: Okay, so love and justice...

Sailor Mercury: I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and for intelligence! I am Sailor Mercury! Douse yourself in water and repent!

Jared: Love and intelligence, okay. So what's Venus going to be over? Love and love?

Me: Love and beauty.

Jared: So, love and love, then.

Me: Beauty doesn't necessarily mean love. I mean, look at the Kardashians.

Jared: OH GOSH NO! Do NOT bring that up! Do NOT mention them ever! I'd rather talk to a Cardassian and they're pretty nasty themselves.

We just referenced Star Trek and reality TV inside of a minute with this post. Make of that what you will.

The fight begins - and it's a knock-down drag-out clash.

Sailor Moon: When did it get so cold?

Jared: Well, when you wear skirts that short, it is a risk you run.

Jadeite starts to gain the upper hand in the battle.

Sailor Moon: Was this all a trap to get us here and take up prisoner?

Jared: Yes.

Rei starts to come-to and recognizes Sailor Moon's voice.

Rei: Usagi? Is that you? What's going on here?

Sailor Moon: No, Rei! It's not me! I'm not Usagi!

Luna: *facepalms*

Jared: *laughs* I like Luna's reaction. "Why are you even trying?"

Rei: Why are you fighting him?

Sailor Moon: Well, I kinda have to because I'm a Sailor Guardian. And normal people can't exactly fight evil like this! Ya know, 'cause power and, like, responsibility...

Jared: And now she's quoting Spider-Man. BUT - is it the cool Japanese Spider-Man with the mecha? Because that is totally a thing that exists.

Rei takes Usagi's semi-plagiarized explanation to heart and realizes that she has her powers for a reason. She grabs Jadeite's arm and stops him from attacking Sailors Moon and Mercury.

Jadeite: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You're only human.

Jared: I've heard this guy's voice before!

Me: It's Todd Haberkorn. Spock from Star Trek Continues.

Jared: It is? Wow. That's hilarious.

Me: I've told you that before.

Jared: That's the guy?? Okay.

The Mars symbol appears on Rei's forehead and Luna has a moment of clarity.

Luna: No doubt about it now! Rei! Catch!

She throws a red pen very similar Ami's blue one and Rei catches it.

Jared: Where did THAT come from?

Me: Luna has hammerspace. Or she just has kitty-pockets.

Jared: Hee - kitty-pockets. But that's not fair! I guarantee you they [meaning the Guardians] don't have pockets! So the cat has pockets, but the Sailors don't.

Me: It's like you said - if Luna had thumbs, she could take over the world.

Rei begins her transformation...

Jared: Techincolor! I always wonder why they do that with the outlines.

Me: You mean the silhouettes? I dunno... so something different?

Jared: I suppose. Oh, she gets heels huh?

Me: They all have "heels" - she just has pumps.

Jared: Oh, like I know what a "pump" is!

Sailor Mars: I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and for passion! I am Sailor Mars! In the name of Mars, I'll chastise you!

Jared: Love and passion, check!

Luna: I knew it, Rei! You had to be! You are one of the Sailor Guardians! You're Sailor Mars!

Jared: Thanks Captain Obvious!

Sailor Mars (inner monologue): Is that why I was born this way? With these powers? Was it all so I could help Usagi? As a Sailor Guardian?

Jared: Yep! You win!

Sailor Moon throws her Tiara Boomerang, and Sailor Mars finishes Jadeite off - just not permanently.

Sailor Mars: Evil spirit, begone!

Jared: I don't think he's actually a spirit, though.

Me: It's a translation thing again. The attack is actually [and I butcher it out loud] Akyrou Taisan. Basically, it just means "banishing evil."

With Jadeite defeated, the Guardians get the hostages back to the real world, including Mii. The little girl wakes up with her friend, Rei, there to greet her. And Mii's mother comes to find her.

Jared: Is this the first time we've actually seen police in this show? They've gone so far beyond useless that they're just not present!

Luna: Another Guardian found! Now, let's do the same for our princess!

Jared: And keep on talking in public, Luna!

She can't help it. Talking cats never can...


***

Another day, another bad guy defeated. Go get lunch, girls! Or dinner, by now.

***
Next Time: Episode 4 - Masquerade Dance Party

Previously: Episode 2 - Ami, Sailor Mercury

Jared Watches Sailor Moon Crystal: Episode 2 - Ami, Sailor Mercury

Confession: Sailor Mercury is my FAVORITE. Sailor Jupiter's great too, but Mercury has always been my all-time best awesome favorite character in Sailor Moon. So, yes - I'm more than a little in love with this episode.

To his credit, Jared is anticipating it as well.

Me: Are you going to watch or read?

Jared (looking up from his Kindle app on his phone): Huh?

Well, sort of. Good thing he's cute.

The episode opens in a classroom and the students are gaping at a blue-haired girl at the chalkboard working out a complex math equation. She sets the chalk down as she finishes and her teacher hands her a graded assignment, which shows she received a 100% perfect score.

Jared: Wait, was she doing math on the board?

Me: Yes.

Jared: So why was there math on the board, but the homework was English?

We may have to consult Leigh-Ann again...

Cut to later, outside the school - random boys are gossiping about the girl - Ami Mizuno - and how much she studies and keeps to herself. I always wondered why boys who cared to gossip gave a crap about a quiet, studious girl who never bugged anybody else.

Boy 1: She never talks to anyone.

Boy 2 (sees Ami): That's her! They both run for it.

Jared: How nice of them to be properly ashamed that she overheard.

Across the way, Ami sees Usagi with Naru and her other friends talking and laughing about how Usagi failed yet another test.

Me: So you know she's thinking "If I'm a screw-up like that girl, I will probably have friends."

Jared: She's thinking it.

Opening Credits Roll with "Moon Pride"

Jared: You know, "Love Lightning" aside, at least the song makes sense. A lot of them [meaning anime theme songs] don't.

Me: Nope.

Jared (illustrating how much of a goofball he is): Love Lightning! Love Lightning!

He pokes me every time he says that. I'm tempted to make the audio of him saying it into a ringtone.

Me: The theme song of Season 3 makes no sense either. It's probably my least favorite of all the songs they've done for Crystal.

Jared: Darn...

We'll get to Season 3, I'm sure. I will have PLENTY to say then.

End opening credits, and the splash image of Usagi and Luna -

Jared: Luna's size is inconsistent! She changes sizes! I'm not wrong!

Me: You're not wrong. To be fair, anime artists have a really hard time drawing animals. When we watch Fushigi Yugi and they draw horses - it's terrible. They tried.

Jared: I prefer the Sanderson approach [meaning Brandon]. Just don't include horses. He has riding insects of some kind. I forget.

Int: Dark Kingdom. Jadeite is summoning his "Earth Golems."

Jared: That looked like a punk elf.

Back in Tokyo, Usagi gets home from school and Luna tells her to take her responsibilities as Sailor Moon more seriously. Usagi whines that she doesn't want to fight anything that scary again.

Jared: Cat fight!

Me: *glaring*

Jared: It was!

Luna continues persuading Usagi to be better at being a Sailor Guardian. In the process, she provides one of many info-dumps.

Luna: You need to find the other Guardians. You'll need their help to find our Princess and protect her!

Usag (dreamy eyed): More Guardians and a princess, huh?

Flashback to Tuxedo Mask.

Usagi: You mean like Tuxedo Mask?

Jared: Yes. He's TOTALLY a princess.

Usagi: And like Sailor V?

Jared: Closer.

Later, Luna is in their secret base typing away at a database. 

Jared: Luna at the keyboard is just the most hilarious thing ever. She has no thumbs! No thumbs!

The next morning, the students at school gather around the posted scores of a recent test. Everyone is exclaiming at the "genius girl" Ami Mizuno and her perfect scores. Usagi bemoans her awful academic performance.

Naru: No one expects you to get scores like that!

Usagi: I know, but did you really have to say it?

Jared: Yes.

Umino pops out to deliver his info-dump setup for this episode, which involves the Crystal Seminar cram school.

Everything you need to know about Umino in one screengrab.

Umino: I heard they recruited Mizuno pretty aggressively and even let her come extra hours to study more!

Jared: You'd think he'd be upset. His whole bag seems to be "obnoxious smart person."

Ami's mom - the rich and famous doctor - is mentioned.

Jared: Do we ever see her mom?

Me: Maybe in one of the later seasons? Season 4, perhaps?

Jared: We haven't seen her (Usagi's) dad yet, either..

Later, Usagi is walking home, bemoaning her grades.

Usagi: These are horrible! Mom's going to kill me for sure this time!

Jared: Those are FAILING!

Usagi also notices Luna meeting up with Ami.

Usagi: Luna? What is she doing with the genius girl from Class 5?

Jared: CHEATING ON YOU!

Me: Popular fan theory is that Luna sometimes wishes she could be Ami's cat.

Usagi and Ami meet for the first time and it's damn adorable.

Usagi (to herself): If I become friends with her, she can teach me how to study so I do better on tests. Then I can be a genius too!

Jared: It's not the worst plan ever...

Me: No. I mean, Usagi becoming a genius might be a bit of a stretch. But doing better on tests, yes. That is doable.

Jared: Or her studying at all. What was the line last time? "I tried my best! I'm going to bed. No homework tonight!"

Usagi takes her new bestie, Ami, to the arcade. She introduces her to the Sailor V game and Motoki (the order of importance between those two is debatable).

Jared: So where did Luna go? I mean, Usagi knows she's fine, but you don't want to let cats wander around all over the city.

Ami tries her hand at the Sailor V game and finds out she's pretty good at it. She begins to draw a crowd, who marvels at her skill at the game.

Jared: So, it looks like the animation budget was a little tight here. Consider it was, what, five or ten seconds of her playing and just her mouth moving slightly?


Me: Yeah... they kind of cheapied-up on some of the budget.

Jared: You'd think they could afford... I mean, they know it's going to do well! It's Sailor Moon!

Note: I seriously don't want to get into the animation/budget/corporate decision woes at Toei that made fans bitch about these first two season relentlessly. I really, really, really don't. If you're thinking of making such comments here, go find some impotent Tumblr page to rage and vent. This isn't the place for it.

Back to the episode - a fancy blue pen falls out of the coin return on the game, which Ami claims. Motoki wonders where it came from, since the game isn't supposed to give prizes. Usagi wants one too, and she shakes the machine until she gets a pink one with a gem on top.

Jared: WHAAAAAAAT....

 I say nothing.

Jared: Where did THOSE come from??

I still say nothing.


Usagi: Oh, I just called you "Ami"! Since I used your first name, you can call me "Usagi!"

Jared: I assume there's a "-chan" after that in the Japanese?

Me: Yep. They dropped all the honorifics in the dub. Which, I can understand why. It's probably better to drop it entirely than get it horribly wrong. But they do kind of lose something without a few of them.

The girls take their prizes and their newfound friendship and leave the arcade. Luna watches them both from across the street as they go.

Jared: Wait, wait, wait - I assume Luna was behind that [the pens]. But she's across the street, up a story or two.

Me: She's not the only one running the thing...

Ami heads to her cram school, Crystal Seminar, where the teacher in charge guilt-trips her into using the freaky-deaky study disk.

Jared: That purple - no, not even purple. Lavender. That lavender suit is atrocious.

Jared: And why's it called "Crystal Disk"? These bad guys are very bad at naming things. Gratuitous English. Thank you, Japan.

The next day at school, at least one of the girls Usagi hangs out with is acting weird. She's been going to Crystal Seminar.

Jared: But did that place just open? Thank you exposition friends!

Ami is in the library studying. She decides to take notes with her new blue pen from the arcade.

Jared: So it actually works as a real pen, huh?

Me: Yep. Gotta sell ALL the toys!

Usagi finds Ami and exclaims over their new pens. She also invites Ami to come get ice cream with her and her friends. Ami clearly wants to, but she remembers that guilt-trip-scary-Crystal-lady needs her to study and do her best. There's also some weird glowy-green-eyes thing going on.

Ami: Sorry, I need to study.

Jared: Okay, her eyes just changed color. You'd think she'd notice.

Me: This is Usagi we're talking about.

Jared: Yeah, but they're frickin' HUGE! I mean, her eyeballs alone must take up a third of her head! Each! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!

Me: You're thinking that anime actually follows physics or biology!

Jared: Some physics have to work!

Me: Not with those leg-lengths.

Jared: NOODLE-LEGS!!

Usagi ends up outside Crystal Seminar (so much for ice cream). Someone is handing out fliers to advertise for the Seminar. Ami is featured in the advert.

Jared: Aaaaaand... toss for the head...

Luna: Hey, Usagi! Don't litter!

Me: Three... two... one...

"Mysterious" Male Voice: Hey!

Me: There it is.

Usagi hits someone with the crumpled flier. It's the same guy from the first episode - tuxedo and all.

Mamoru: Hey! Bun-head! I am not a garbage can.

Jared: Okay, that was a pretty funny line! And hey - sunglasses!

Mamoru: That cat was talking just now, wasn't it?

Jared: HA HA HA HA HA!

Usagi: Cats can't talk to people! Don't be ridiculous!

Luna: Meow!

Jared (still laughing): That's a really bad meow! And he's still wearing a tux in public. "I'm not a trash can..." that was pretty good.

Usagi and Luna go back home and try out the Crystal Disk that Ami left behind on Usagi's computer.

Jared: Is that a bunny on the laptop?

The computer starts acting weird and a strange voice starts speaking. The screen flickers and sputters. Luna and Usagi keep staring at it.

Jared: Maybe don't stare at the brainwashing device?

Luna: It's a brainwashing program!

Jared: So stop looking at it! Maybe? No? Maybe?

Usagi and Luna go back to Crystal Seminar, but no one is being allowed inside. Two guards are posted at the door. Luna explains that Usagi can use the pen she got at the arcade to disguise herself and get inside without anyone giving her a hard time.

Usagi: Moon Power! Change me into a doctor! 

Jared: Except, it's a cram school. Okay - yeah. Disguises. Great! Lovely. Useful power. It's a cram school. For students. Why change into a doctor?

Me: She begged "Emergency!" It worked!

Jared: No, the plan isn't the problem. The plan's actually fine. They didn't need a plan. She could have just walked right in. It's a cram school.... Well, it is after hours, so I guess it's fine. That was a ridiculous doctor outfit, though. The skirt was almost as short as the Sailor Moon one.

Sigh...

Inside, scary guilt-trip lady is towered over Ami, who is brainwashed and working feverishly to do her "master's" bidding. Guilt-trip lady berates Ami for having the new blue pen, which reminds Ami of Usagi and the brainwashing starts to break. 

At that moment, Usagi busts into the room.

Usagi: I'm here Ami!

Luna rushes at Guilt-trip lady and smacks her in the face, forcing her to let go of Ami.

Jared: *laughs* Okay was pretty cool from Luna. BAM! to the face!

It's obvious who Jared's favorite character is so far.

Guilt-trip lady demands to know who Usagi is.

Usagi: Well... you see... I'm... I'm a doctor!

Jared (still laughing): Yeah... (in a girly voice, which is funny hearing from him) "I'm a doctor!"

Usagi announces that she knows the secret of the brainwashing disk. Which Guilt-trip lady doesn't take kindly to, since she turns into a monster. Usagi transforms into Sailor Moon - yes, in front of Ami.

And here, Jared notices a key detail of the transformation sequence.

Jared: Does this mean she doesn't have any fingernail polish? 

Me: ...she wears gloves.

Jared: No, but it just put it on!

Me: It did! And then she gets gloves!

Jared: But, the point is she didn't have polish on before. You'd think a girl like this would have fingernail polish most of the time.

Me: Usagi probably bites her nails.

Jared: *thinks for a moment* I am willing to accept that explanation.

Transformation things happen here... it's hard to come up with new and exciting ways to describe it each time. Just think lots of ~*~glitter~*~...

Jared: Okay, I noticed something that time. Her eyebrows. Reminds me of a line from "Epic Rap Battles of History" - the Eastern Philosophers vs. Western Philosophers: "You need to make your eyebrows fit better on your face."

Of all the things he notices... Eyebrows.

Jared: 'Cause her eyebrows just kind of wandered off the edges a bit.

Sailor Moon does her pre-fight speech, while also throwing in awesome things about being Ami's friend. And the monster starts just kicking Sailor Moon's butt. She tries the supersonic crying thing again, but it doesn't work.

Me: Give the bad guys credit. Whatever moves work against them one time, they got back and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Jared: At this point, I kind of blame Luna. It should have been clear that they needed a tactical planner. At least, temporarily.

Sailor Moon is in big-time trouble. And that's what breaks Ami out of the brainwashing. Luna tells Ami to use her pen to transform.

Jared: TALKING CAT! AHHH!!

Me: Look at her little fist!

Yes, do look at Luna's little kitty-fist -

Favorite things :)

Jared: I don't think cat's fingers move that way. But it was pretty impressive, though.

Me: Luna types on a keyboard!

Jared: Fair enough.

Putting aside the fact that a cat is talking to her, Ami does as instructed.

Jared: And, of course, her transformation sequence is not as long.

Me: Nope. Her name isn't in the title, after all.

Jared: Wait a second - I thought she had sleeves.

Me: Mercury doesn't, no.

Jared: Oh.

Sailor Mercury: I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for love and intelligence! I am Sailor Mercury!

Jared: Seriously - how does she know to say that?

Me: Muscle memory?

Luna: You're the second Guardian we've been searching for! You're Sailor Mercury! Our team strategist!

Me: That's a MUCH better translation in the dub than what's in the Japanese. In the Japanese, she's the team's "brain."

Jared: Yeah, that's quite a bit better.

Monster: What the hell?

Jared: Heh - yeah. She's still here too.

Back to the topic of the post-transformation speech thing -

Jared: It must be instinctive or something.

I don't say anything.

Meanwhile, Sailor Moon is still pinned to the wall. Then, something slashes her out of her bonds and Tuxedo Mask is suddenly there.

Jared: Wait - how did he get her out?

Me: Some questions, we just don't know the answers to.

Jared: Something sharp was involved!

Sailor Moon beats the monster, everyone gathers to regroup.

Sailor Moon: Where did Tuxedo Mask go?

Me: I know my priorities...

Meanwhile, on a nearby roof, Jadeite grumbles about his most recent loss.

Jadeite: Now there are two Sailor Guardians to deal with.

Jared: THREE! Three, sir, three!

Me: Three?

Jared: Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, and Sailor V.

Later, Ami marvels at her newfound powers and wonders where the pen that she used to transform came from.

Ami: I can't believe I transformed with that pen. Did I win it by chance?

Luna: I have no idea.

Jared: Luna is the ultimate schemer!

Me: I'm glad you like Luna.

Jared: I mean, sure she doesn't have thumbs. Imagine if she did! She could rule the world!

Ami: Let's go home and have a meeting! There's so much I want to ask you about.

Usagi: A meeting? Right now?

Ami: I have so much to learn! I can't wait another second! Hurry! Hurry!

Jared: Yes! This is where you learn to study!

Usagi: But I'm tiiiiiiiired...

Me: That plan didn't work out so well, did it?

Jared: Eh... eventually it might. Then again, I can't really imagine her going to high school. With those grades? Uh-uh...

Me: Should I tell you? It's not that big of a spoiler.

Jared: Sure...

Me: She does go to high school.

Jared: Oh, so it DOES pay off eventually!

Sure, we'll go with that.

***

I have no reason to put this here. I just like her face.

***

Next Time: Episode 3 - Rei, Sailor Mars

Previously: Episode 1 - Usagi, Sailor Moon

Jared Watches Sailor Moon - Episode 1: Usagi, Sailor Moon

The beginning of this project has an auspicious beginning - we're more interested in my new paintable RPG minis that came in the mail than actually watching the start of the episode.

Boy, this is getting off on the right foot...

Eventually, Jared DOES notice the spacey opening with all the stars and planets. I think it's gorgeous. Jared?

Jared: All the lovely planets in completely wrong sizes and completely wrong places.

This is what I get for bringing a hard sci-fi guy to Magical Girl Anime.

Jared: At least the Moon looked right. It's - what - 1.245 light seconds away?

Sigh... this is going to be a looooooong project.

A mysterious princess and prince (OH GEE, I WONDER WHO THEY ARE) nearly kiss - and we cut to the head of a young girl still asleep in bed.

Jared: Of course they skip the kiss. Because of course.

Me: Dreams always skip the best part.

Jared: Well, yes. It's a very interesting yellow-colored-house.

He doesn't have time to explain how Chez Tsukino is an "interesting" yellow color, because...

Usagi (on screen): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jared: *smirking laugh*

Usagi is shown in close-up getting dressed and fixing her hair, clearly in a rush.

Jared: Okay, those hair buns HAVE to take a while to do.

Me: You noticed she sleeps with them in like that, though.

Jared: Then why is she putting the bobby pins in?

Jared: That is a very impressive length of hair.

The "Moon Pride" theme song plays. And something sticks in Jared's head. Well, several somethings.

Click to see the awkward translation. Yes, even I admit it's awkward

Moon Pride Lyrics (English Subtitles): Someone is shouting love out loud/Like a flash of lightning.

Jared: Wait - Love Lightning? How does THAT work?

I give him a Look. He grins and starts miming bolts of lightning with his hands.

Jared: Love lightning - pew! Love lightning - pew!

I explain that it's a translation thing and that there were much better fan translations when the song first came out that put the "Lightning" line with Jupiter and the "Love" line with Venus. He still thinks it's funny.

And then this happens -

Jared: Why "Shiny Make Up"? That makes no sense. How is makeup supposed to be "shiny"?

And before anyone asks or tries to make a snotty point about it - Jared knows full well how Japanese is often peppered with gratuitous English that often makes no sense. He's just making comments to be funny. And, I admit, it works. He's too damn cute for his own good sometimes.

Jared: That's a different animation style there.

Me: The CGI?

Jared: Yeah.

Me: There is a lot more CGI in the first two seasons, which I like. But a lot of people bitched about it, so they changed it for Season 3. And I thought it looked washed out.

But we'll get to Season 3 later...

Usagi: [does her Usagi intro] - "...I'm a bit of a klutz and kind of a crybaby too."

Jared: Well, at least she admits it.

Me: She owns her mistakes.

In her rush to get to school, Usagi trips over something on the sidewalk - it's a cat! She picks up the cat and apologizes for stepping on it.

Usagi: I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Jared: And cue the claws right about...

Luna: *yowls and scratches the crap out of Usagi's face*

Usagi: OW! What did you do that for?

Jared: Yeah, what DID she do that for? I'm mean, it's obvious it was coming. But still..

Luna jumps out of Usagi's hands and over her head and perches on a nearby wall.

Jared: Okay, her color just changed. Went to kind of purplish-black to jet black. And now it's back to purplish-black.

Me: Different animator?

Cut to the Dark Kingdom, where a Super Shady Character is doing Super Shady Character things.

Jared: Oooooooh - green fire! (I glare at him.) What? there's green fire everywhere.

Jadeite summons a creature out of the ground and orders it to do their Great Ruler's bidding.

Jared: Is that an Earth Elemental?

Me: Huh?

Jared: He's making creatures out of the rock.

Me: Sure... we'll go with that.

Back in the normal world, Usagi is late for school and told to go stand in the hallway as punishment.

Jared: Do they still do that? Make kids stand in the hall?

Me: No idea. Leigh-Ann might know.

Leigh-Ann is one of our friends and pretty much knows everything about every culture you could possibly want to know.

Jared: At least they stopped giving them buckets of water to hold outstretched.

Usagi remembers her dream from the previous night of the beautiful princess descending to the Earth and wishes she could be a princess. Because, Magical Girl Anime...

Usagi: Someday, I'm going to become a princess and I'll never have to go to school again!

Jared: You know, I'd ask how she plans to do that, but that's pretty typical so I'll let it slide.

Miss Haruna comes out with Usagi's awful test score. Usagi's narration introduces the rather grumpy teacher - and the visuals warrant comment. Apparently.

Jared: The flowers motif there is in stark contrast with the whole... "GRRR..." nasty, shaming her in front of the whole class thing.

Naru and Umino are subsequently introduced - and Umino warrants comment as well.

Jared: Ugggghhhh... the glasses...

Umino explains who Sailor V is and how she's been helping the police catch bad guys all over the city.

Jared: So, did they arrest the golems or something? If they caught the bad guys...

Usagi, Naru, and the other girls have a squee moment over the thought of criminals stealing pretty jewelry. Their reactions somehow strike Jared as funny.

Jared: They're teen girls. I'm just gonna let it slide.

I have a feeling that's going to be the theme of this entire endeavor..

After school, Usagi and her friends go to Naru's family's jewelry store where Naru shows everyone all the best stuff they have on display.

Naru: ...it's worth a billion yen!

Jared: How much is a billion yen, anyway?

Me: Ask Google.

He pulls our his phone and does a quick search for the answer.

Jared: Ten million dollars! Ten million dollars, right there in the front window!

Naru's mother points out that they're having a huge sale - 95% off (if the posters on the store's walls are to be believed.)

Jared: 95% off?? How do they make any money? How does the joke go? How do you make money if you mark things below market cost? Oh, it's fine - we'll just make it up in volume. No... no, that's not how it works!

I don't spoil anything.

The next scene is this -

Mamoru: Hey, that hurt Bump-head. Are you trying to make bumps on my head too?

Jared: How did that hurt, exactly? And why is he wearing a tuxedo in public?

Usagi: What kind of weirdo wears a tuxedo in the middle of the afternoon?

Jared: THANK YOU!!

Usagi heads to the arcade and starts playing the Sailor V game. Not much happens there. Usagi does have a crush on Motoki, the guy that works there.

Jared: And he's... what... six years older than her? College age? Yeah, that's not creepy at all.

Yeah... it's a good thing I'm not showing him the original Sailor Moon anime.

Usagi heads home and her mother asks how her test went. Her mother freaks out when she finds out that Usagi failed her test and kicks Usagi out of the house.

Jared: That's an interesting punishment. Making them go outside instead of somewhere you can watch 'em. Yeah, that's a perfectly reasonable response. Because, Japan.

Elsewhere, the women who bought the super-discounted jewelry aren't feeling so great. "Naru's mom" explains they're collecting energy for their Great Ruler. And Naru walks in when this is happening.

Jared: DOOOOOOOOOMED!

Me: See? THAT'S why they discounted the jewelry so much. The bad guys know what they're doing.

Jared: I suppose...

Usagi: Mom didn't have to get that angry. It's not fair, I tried my hardest! *yawns* I don't feel like doing my homework right now. I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap.

Jared: Those two sentences right next to each other! No wonder she does bad in school! "I tried my hardest. I'm gonna take a nap." It's great...

Usagi takes a short nap, dreams about a princess and Sailor V and is rudely awoken by a talking cat.

Usagi (in the dream): It's the cat with the crescent-shaped bald spot!

Luna: Don't be rude. This is NOT a bald spot!

Usagi: I can't believe it! The cat is talking!

Jared: And reading your mind, apparently.

Luna thanks Usagi for getting the bandages off her forehead earlier and that the kids in the neighborhood are such evil brats. Also, she couldn't talk until the bandages were removed.

Jared: Why couldn't she talk until they were removed?

Usagi's reaction to the fact that a talking cat has been looking for her?

Jared: You know, that is a perfectly reasonable response to all this! I mean, the cat's talkin'! It could very well be part of her dream!

Luna gives Usagi a pretty brooch and tells her of her new mission. Usagi is more interested in the new jewelry.

Jared: Yeah, she's not listening to ANYTHING you say!

Usagi's new brooch glows, to Usagi's surprise.

Luna: Now do you believe what I've been telling you, Usagi?

Jared: She wasn't listening to you anyway!

Moon Prism Power, Make Up!

Jared: I'm a little unclear on how giving her magic powers will convince her she's awake.

Usagi begins the transformation sequence into Sailor Moon. It's very sparkly.

Jared: It's a good thing the normal school uniforms aren't like that. Just... yeeeeeeaaaaah...

The jury will note that my husband has asked me on a number of occasions if I'd like to do a Sailor Moon cosplay. I haven't decided yet.

Jared: There's a term for it! Magic skirt. Meaning that she can turn every which way and the skirt will still stay down where it's supposed to.

Me: Well, if you had magical powers and you had to wear a skirt, wouldn't you make sure it did that?

Jared: *after a rather long pause* *and pause some more* Well... well... yeah. But you'd think there'd be an easier way to not have that problem!

Sailor Moon: I am the pretty guardian who fights for love and justice! Sailor Moon! And now, in the name of the Moon - I'll punish you!

Jared: How does she know these words?

We're still talking about the costume, while Sailor Moon goes to confront the "golem" at Naru's family jewelry store.

Me: This is more like a figure skater's outfit. You have the bodysuit and the skirt goes around it, so it's not strictly a panty-shot.

The monster starts taunting Sailor Moon.

Jared: For an Earth Golem, that lady has a lot of snark.

Yep. We're calling them "Earth Golems." Just go with it.

The brainwashed humans attack Sailor Moon on the Golem's orders.

Sailor Moon: I thought this was just a dream!

Jared: See! See! She still thinks it's a dream up to this point! And you can't really blame her!

Luna: You need to fight back!

Jared: How?? How is she supposed to know?

Sailor Moon: What do you mean? How am I supposed to do that?

Jared: At least she's on the same page as me.

Me: See? She knows what she's doing... sort of.

Jared: She knows what she's not doing too.

Sailor Moon panics and wonders how she got into this mess. 

Me: You took a Band-Aid off a cat's forehead.

Her panic leads to "magical crying," which leads to windows shattering...

Jared: That is a really tall building for a jewelry store.

Me: They are rich.

Jared: True. They did have a ten million dollar necklace in the display window. With no bars!

...which leads to incapacitated villains, which leads to...

Jared: Where the heck did HE come from?

Sailor Moon stops crying, Luna tells her to use her Moon Tiara Boomerang, monster turns into dust.

Jared: Was Jadeite controlling that thing, then?

Me: Yes. He creates them and sends them off.

Jared: Do they always turn into women?

Me: Mostly.

Tuxedo Mask: I didn't find the Crystal, but I found something else quite interesting...

Jared: And off he goes! After doing nothing.

Me: He gave her encouragement from the sidelines.

Jared: Well, this is true. He wasn't completely useless. But he doesn't have powers, does he?

Me: He can fly, apparently.

Jared: Yeah, that is a good question. How does he get around? And who picks that name??

Me: Japan picks that name.

Jared: *sigh* ...yeah...

The next day, Usagi hears Naru telling the other girls about the attack at the jewelry store.

Usagi (inner monologue): Everything that happened - it wasn't a dream! What's next? I don't even want to think about it!

Jared: At least she's stable enough to know this isn't just a game. That does help.

Me: At least in this version, she gets help pretty quick. In the original anime, she goes for several episodes with it just being her on her own. It's like "How do you not die, girl?"

The end credits roll with not much comment. Until this -

Jared: ALL THAT HAIR!

And thus, the project begins... somewhat auspiciously. Kind of.

***
Next Time: Episode 2 - Ami, Sailor Mercury

Previously: Intro

Intro - Jared Watches 'Sailor Moon Crystal'

The funny thing is that I heard all about how life changes when you get married. Suddenly, you're sharing your entire life with another person (even sharing stuff that you didn't think about before).

In our case, one of those things was anime.

Jared had me watch some of his favorites. I don't consider myself a connoisseur of anime. I have my favorite stand-bys and I'll watch some that friends watch with me. But on the whole, it's just one of those things I don't have time to seek out for myself. I used to many years ago. It just fell by the wayside as time went on. Nothing against it - there are only so many hours in the day, after all.

When Jared and I started dating, one of the first things we watched together (after Doctor Who - totally his idea) was Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood. I'd see a few episodes, but not the entire series. I enjoyed it quite a bit - and I'm not just saying that because I was afraid if I decided I didn't want to watch it anymore, our weekly show-watching "dates" at Jared's apartment would end (luckily, FMA ended up being a new favorite).

Fast forward to now - we've been married several months and are quite happy with the way life is. But for the life of me, I cannot get Jared to be as enthusiastic about some of my favorite shows as I am with his. To be fair, he's kind of picky about things like comedy. But anime has kind of been a sticking point. I tried to get him to watch Fushigi Yugi and Pretear - he dropped off after 3-5 episodes. Because that's the thing about Shojo anime - particularly the Magical Girl subgenre. The beginning is silly and goofy and doesn't take itself seriously. Toward the middle and the end, it gets SUPER DARK AND GRITTY AND kind of DEPRESSING, before it bounces back into lighthearted fluff.

But then I got Sailor Moon Crystal on BluRay. And then I had an idea.

Doctor Who fans may know of the website Adventures With The Wife In Space, written by Neil Perryman. Back in 2011, Neil had the idea to watch all of classic Doctor Who in order in anticipation of the 50th anniversary and blog about it. Thing is, that kind of project has been done over and over and he wanted to try something different. So, he got his wife, Sue, who isn't nearly as big a fan as Neil is and had never seen an episode of Old School Who, to watch with him and give her thoughts and reactions as they watched. Amazingly, Sue made it through all 770+ episodes of the original 26-season-and-a-TV-movie run of Classic Who (last I heard, they had also started doing the New Series, which wasn't quite as dynamic as their original goal, since Sue had seen much of New Who already). The fun of this was seeing Classic Who through the eyes of the "Not-We" - someone who isn't a rabid fan and who hasn't internalized every second and moment of the series. To her everlasting credit, Sue was a great sport about the whole thing and she seemed to have as much fun with it as Neil and their readers did.

So, I thought - why not do the same thing with Jared and Sailor Moon? Maybe not a full-blown blog with the possibility of follow-up companion ebooks - but maybe just a small project for us to do together. And have him watch Crystal, rather than the original anime from the 90s - no way he'd get through all 200 episodes (even if it is all on Hulu now. Well, the Japanese with English subtitles is). Crystal is shorter and less insanely goofy and the story is more focused. And there are still some light moments.

And, what do you know - he agreed.

I think it helps that I've made it no secret that Sailor Moon is my all-time favorite anime. It's what got me into anime, before I even knew what the distinction was. All I knew was that I loved the story and the characters (some more than others, but we'll get to that, I'm sure). I drifted away over the years (as you do), but now with its resurgence and renaissance - I've gotten back into it full-force. Collecting the manga and the DVDs and even some of the figurines (I have the Sailor Mercury Figuarts and it was one of my great "gets" from Comic Con last year). So, it's not just "Here is this thing that I like - let's watch it together," it's "OMG this is my freaking CHILDHOOD! Will you watch it with me, hubby dearest, please, please, PLEASE?"

Okay, maybe not THAT silly. But you get the point.

The fun of this is that Jared, like Sue with Doctor Who, knows almost nothing about Sailor Moon. He knows that Sailor Mercury and Sailor Jupiter are my favorites (though he sometimes forgets which one is which - I have a Jupiter plushie that he sometimes calls Venus). He does know that the 90s English dub awkwardly tried to play the lesbian lovers in Season 3 off as "cousins." Man, THAT was hilarious when I and our friend Leigh-Ann explained that to him. So much so that when we took our engagement pictures last December, our photographer asked him to whisper something funny in my ear to make me laugh naturally for one particular picture. He said "Cousins" and I started giggling like an idiot (the photographer had no clue what was going on, but she got the shot she wanted - that shot is actually one of my favorites of our whole session).

I anticipate there will be snark. Good grief, I snark at Sailor Moon sometimes (I think everybody does with their favorite things). But it's done in love and fun. And, hopefully, sharing something special with someone I love :)

And no, I don't have a catchy little title for this endeavor. The best I could come up with was "Jared Watches Sailor Moon", which I know is the most bland thing I could have done. What can I say? Anime doesn't lend itself well to quippy lines like "Adventures With The Wife In Space." But it works for us.

***
Next Up: Episode 1 - Usagi, Sailor Moon

An Open Letter To Our DM or "What The F*** Am I Keeping This Damn Map For??"

I should have just done this from the start, honestly. Left "Mister A" out of it. Because I'm the one having the issue, not him. I'm a big girl. I can speak for myself (and this is apparently how we do things).

Look, I'm still new at this whole thing. When I started D&D, it was out of curiosity. I wanted to see if this was something I enjoyed doing. I also wanted to know what the fuss was about. So far, I have enjoyed myself. I love character creation. I love coming up with backstories for these characters and seeing how they work within the bigger world the group is creating. In fact, if I felt inclined to do so and made the time for it, I could probably come up with short stories for all my characters. I love the lore. The system is beautiful in its complex simplicity. I don't fully understand it all, but I feel like I'm getting there. Enough that I felt okay with volunteering to DM the library group when over twenty people started coming.

It's something new and exciting for me to learn. That's what I love the most.

Last week, you and I conversed via text message over several things we were doing in our Tuesday D&D group. You encouraged me to speak up more - that you thought I had good ideas that simply weren't being heard for one reason or another. I admit - I have a hard time speaking up in the group when I don't feel like I have enough information. But I decided to buck up and give it a try. Be more than just the utility healer player that mops everybody up after an encounter. Try to lead. Try to be a stronger presence in the group. Have a say in what's going on.

Last night, I followed your advice. I tried to get more in with the group and participate and be more of a leader. Maybe you didn't notice, but my voice was drowned out by EVERYBODY - not just our so-called "leader" of the group. I tried to move the story forward - get to our ultimate goal. All everyone else wanted was to send a glorified care package to a PC who'd been cursed before being captured and was slowly going nuts.

"Fine," I said as my Cleric. "Let me go in and heal the guy. He can stay a prisoner if our enemies won't let him go, but let me go remove his curse so he isn't trying to harm himself in his cell. Isn't there some kind of Geneva Convention in this place?"

I should have known better. Our enemies aren't that benevolent. Even if there were such a thing, they wouldn't follow it.

Why am I even here, again?

And then there's that idiotic map. After being berated for putting "North" where I did, then I find out that the dungeon's been transformed into an MC Escher painting. Meaning, the rooms and corridors I drew out before are not where they were anymore and there are new ones where they shouldn't be and I don't know my head from my backside anymore.

I may as well use the map for toilet paper for all the good it's doing us. So, thanks for that.

Months ago - MONTHS - my Cleric was given a laundry list of ginormous, world-changing tasks to complete and very little detail of how to go about completing them. So, yes, please forgive me for looking to other, more experienced players on how to do this. Players who also don't seem to have any more of a clue than I do. And no substantial clues or directions seem to be forthcoming. Only half-hints and Sendings that create more questions than they do answers.

At some point, the questions become too much. We have nothing of value to go on. No clue or indication of what comes next. Am I supposed to divine the solution out of thin air? Mind-read the DM? Magically know what's going on in that D&D mega-expert head of yours? Because that's not happening anytime soon. At this point, it might be better to let the vampires and liches and snake people take over the world. Everybody dies. You lose, but thanks for playing. Have a consolation toaster.

Spinning wheels, grinding gears, sitting around picking our noses - choose your favorite metaphor. That's what we've been doing. The story has gone precisely NOWHERE. Don't know about you, but when I'm reading a book where the plot goes nowhere for pages and chapters and whole installments of a series, I stop reading and find something else to do.

There are two reasons to quit playing a game, in my mind -

- One is when you have completed every main quest, side quest, mini game, bonus level, and random errand from NPCs and there's nothing left for you to do.

- Two is when the game is so frustratingly hard and impossible to finish that you just give up (with or without flipping the table on your way out - I felt like it would be bad form if I did that as I left. I worked too hard on that Sorceress mini to risk her getting lost or broken).

Guess which one I'm feeling right now.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to quit. I've made valued friends (including you) and I look forward to our sessions each week. But as wise Doctor Who companion once said -



"If you stop enjoying it, give it up... It's stopped being fun, Doctor!"

I haven't gotten to the point where Tegan was when she left the TARDIS. But I'm getting pretty damn close.

Pokemon GO and the Perils of Being Popular

I wasn't going to say anything. I was simply going to go along my merry way, enjoying something new and exciting and let the grumpy old curmudgeons be grumpy and old and curmudgeonly.

But I have to say - I REALLY get sick of complete strangers who've appointed themselves to be the moral guardians of society telling me what to do.

The latest trend? Picking on people - kids and adults - who are playing Pokemon GO. Like any newfangled thing that gains such fast popularity, there are going to be those who want to gain some notoriety by disparaging the game as well as those who enjoy it. It happened with The Force Awakens, it happens with Marvel movies, it happens with video games, it happens with sports. If it's popular, chances are good that there are plenty of people who think it's a harbinger of the end of the world. Or they just have to complain that it annoys them for some reason.

Here's my thing about this game: it took me a few days after its release to download the app for myself, but since I did, I love it! Jared and I actually went to a nearby park the other night to go for a walk, avail ourselves of the park's 4-5 PokeStops, and catch Pokemon. Seeing as our doctor told us we need to get out and exercise more, I count that as a plus! (And who can say no to a cheap date night?) Also, there's a PokeStop near the entrance of our apartment complex, so I can take occasional five-minute breaks from work to get off the computer and go for a quick walk while I try replenishing my Poke Ball stash. Which, experts say that if you have a desk job (effectively, I do), you should stand up every hour or so and walk around.

I don't know about you, but for me walking in and of itself is kind of boring. If I'm walking just to walk, motivation is tough to come by. But when I have a reason to get up and walk around, it's great! Frankly, I don't care that it took a Pokemon game to motivate me to be more active. At this stage of life, I will take whatever help I can get!

Of course, there are the requisite Chicken Littles squawking about how it's dangerous because robbers use it to lure unaware people into danger or that the EEEEEEEEEEVIL Google is going to farm your personal information because of a glitch or that kids are wandering into museums and memorials and being disrespectful or even that kids are sneaking out in the middle of the night to catch Pokemon.

Those last two have little to do with the actual game. That's more of a crisis of character and possibly a failure of parenting. If you have kids that are playing the game - as with anything - you set boundaries and rules and punishments if those rules are broken. Same with people who run businesses and museums and such. If you don't want people coming in with Pokemon GO, you say so. You have every right to kick people out who are disrupting the normal flow of your establishment.

The other cited dangers? I personally use Google for a lot of things and they have my information anyway. It's a risk that I've accepted and I'm comfortable with (and the company is addressing the issue - if they haven't already). And it's just a smart practice to be aware of your surroundings, regardless of what you're doing or when you're doing it. You don't need a glorified scavenger hunt game to tell you that.

Even though I've addressed these concerns, there are still people who are going to bitch and moan about Pokemon and how it's clogging up their Facebook feeds. Because heaven knows we haven't seen too many "Share this to show you love dogs" posts or sped-up recipe videos on social media, have we?

Here's my thing - I work in the news. Lately, the news has been utter shit. Not just lately - 2016 has been a totally crap year (other than I got married this year... though it was so early in the year that it was kind of a hold-over from the gloriousness of 2015). So when I started seeing people get excited about a new Pokemon game and they started posting about it EVERYWHERE, I took it as a break from the relentless march of death and destruction and doom. It was nice to see something that wasn't about people yelling at each other. Instead, they were going outside and chasing after adorable little virtual creatures. It was fun!

But like anything good that comes along, the Fun Police have to put a stop to it. Nobody is allowed to enjoy themselves anymore. People are dying, politicians are corrupt, children are starving - how DARE you have fun with ANYTHING!

Um... yeah. I dare to have fun. Precisely because the world is so effed-up. I can't marinate in the sludge of bad news and negativity all day without some kind of break. I will go absolutely crazy if I don't have something to break it up. I can't be plugged in every waking minute. I have to stop and recharge, otherwise I will lose my mind. And, honestly, I'm better at my actual work when I do take a break and remind myself that all is not lost. Seems counter-intuitive sometimes, but whatever works, right?

If you're not as sad and miserable as they are, then the Fun Police come and try to ruin all your fun. And I abhor and detest the Fun Police so much, that I have made it my mission in life to do whatever I love that annoys them. I think that's the best revenge, actually. And it's so much more enjoyable.

I haven't addressed the big-time adulty-types who look down their noses at the adults playing this game (like me) and are all "Ugh - what are you, ten?" To them, I point to a CS Lewis quote that Jared actually introduced me to - told you all he was an awesome catch (emphasis mine) -

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

C. S. Lewis

Jack knew what he was talking about.

Like I said - let the grumps be grumpy. I'm too busy enjoying life.