Thursday, November 29, 2012

Nope-ker Face

(Warning: The following post is one of those "I'm Single and I Hate It" posts that you're not ever supposed to write.  Not if you don't want people to roll their eyes at you and tell you to quit whining.  If you're going to be snotty and roll your eyes, then find somewhere else to go).

(I do get some fun digs in at hipsters, though. Because they're just, like, totes easy to pick on and stuff whatever).

(And that is the ONLY time you will ever see the word "totes" from me. Ever).

If I was technologically competent (I do all right, but this was more complicated), I would have put the clip from "The Mummy Returns" where Rick and Evie drop in on Dirigible Guy (forgot his name - too lazy to look it up) for help in rescuing their kidnapped son, Alex. Rick shoots DG's locked door and kicks it open.  Evie remarks that Rick is not a subtle man, to which Rick replies "We don't have time for subtle."

Thinking over something today, I realized that is my modus operandi - I don't have time for subtle. To put it more accurately - I don't have the patience for subtle.

Which is why I'm terrible at dating.

Over the last few months, I've had the opportunity to more closely observe the social interactions of my generation.  While I detest my generations' general habits and opinions, this experience has been most educational.  All social interaction must be conducted in a flippant, aloof manner (I am told this is known as "Being Ironic," which is the battle cry of the species known as "Hipster").  They give off an air of "I don't care about what anyone thinks," but that air is accompanied by an underlying (and quite obvious, once you're paying attention) attitude of, "Yes, I do care what you think - Oh, please, please, please, PLEASE love me!"

(I guess that's where the irony comes in.  Or so says the Huffington Post.  Or maybe it was Jon Stewart.  Could have been Lady Gaga.  Mumford and Sons? Some weirdo that hipsters listen to - they all sound the same to me.)

Now in my mind, I can't help but wonder how this aloofness can result in a date, let alone a serious relationship.  But that's because if I want something, I ask for it.  But asking someone you barely know to go out with you is death.  It just isn't done.  No one formally calls the person their interested on the phone and asks them to go out to dinner or a movie anymore (hell, they don't even propose staying home, ordering pizza and watching a DVD).  Relationships are just supposed to happen.  They come from all this subtle hint-dropping, game-playing, talking-around-the-subject nonsense that... actually does bring results.

I'm not kidding.  In the short time I've observed these methods, this flippant conversation crap actually has produced results.  Both parties have created sufficient mystery about themselves to breed enough curiosity that somehow, a mutual dating experience is agreed upon and they... go out.  Somewhere along the line, they both decide that they really like each other (I assume that the aloof, uninterested shenanigans must be cast aside at some point because how would you get to know somebody otherwise?  Or maybe they don't really know each other at all? I'm just guessing) and a Serious Relationship forms.

It's a blink-and-you-miss-it phenomenon, but somehow, it works.

Here is where my non-subtle-ness comes in - I have all the aloof flippancy of a monster truck pummeling the crap out of a Prius.  Dad says that I have no poker face.  This is true - I once sat in on a business meeting that was going full-speed into nowhere and I had no problem taking out my phone and playing Bejeweled while some Big Shot danced around the fact that he couldn't make some loan or another, but didn't want to hurt our feelings, but was a complete and total prick about it anyway (sounds like a few guys I've parted ways with in the past).  I was bored and wanted it over with and I was not shy about advertising that fact.  Dad wasn't terribly pleased with me, but I said "If they aren't going to do what we've asked them to do, why don't they just tell us and let us get on with our damn lives!"

On the flip side - when I meet a guy that I decide I like (or, at least I've decided I'd like to get to know him better - and NOT in a general party mash-up settting), social convention decrees that I have to appear uninterested because too much interest scares people off.  And social convention's idea of "too much interest" is actually my idea of "Hey, that was just enough interest - whaddaya mean I'm not supposed to tell him I like him five minutes after we've met???"

(Okay, that's an exaggeration - but you get the point).

To Make a Long Story Less Long - The Dating Games People Play suck monkeyballs.  If I like a guy, I want to be able to tell him and not have it be awkward.  If he doesn't like me, well then I'll be sad about it.  If we decide to try it and it doesn't work out, well then I'll be sad about it.  But if he does like me and it does work out, well then I'll be glad I told Hipster Nation to pound sand and I'll have someone with whom I can stay home and watch "The Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition" and enjoy Papa John's delivery while the rest of the sad, lonely doofuses in those ugly oversized glasses are out trying to be impressive without actually trying to be impressive.

Bottom Line: Single White Female honestly seeking a sweet (if somewhat nerdy) guy to share her life with and would be happy to leave behind the crappy game-playing single scene because it's just not fun anymore (if it was ever fun to begin with).

There. I said it. Social convention can go to hell.