Nope-ker Face

(Warning: The following post is one of those "I'm Single and I Hate It" posts that you're not ever supposed to write.  Not if you don't want people to roll their eyes at you and tell you to quit whining.  If you're going to be snotty and roll your eyes, then find somewhere else to go).

(I do get some fun digs in at hipsters, though. Because they're just, like, totes easy to pick on and stuff whatever).

(And that is the ONLY time you will ever see the word "totes" from me. Ever).



If I was technologically competent (I do all right, but this was more complicated), I would have put the clip from "The Mummy Returns" where Rick and Evie drop in on Dirigible Guy (forgot his name - too lazy to look it up) for help in rescuing their kidnapped son, Alex. Rick shoots DG's locked door and kicks it open.  Evie remarks that Rick is not a subtle man, to which Rick replies "We don't have time for subtle."

Thinking over something today, I realized that is my modus operandi - I don't have time for subtle. To put it more accurately - I don't have the patience for subtle.

Which is why I'm terrible at dating.

Over the last few months, I've had the opportunity to more closely observe the social interactions of my generation.  While I detest my generations' general habits and opinions, this experience has been most educational.  All social interaction must be conducted in a flippant, aloof manner (I am told this is known as "Being Ironic," which is the battle cry of the species known as "Hipster").  They give off an air of "I don't care about what anyone thinks," but that air is accompanied by an underlying (and quite obvious, once you're paying attention) attitude of, "Yes, I do care what you think - Oh, please, please, please, PLEASE love me!"

(I guess that's where the irony comes in.  Or so says the Huffington Post.  Or maybe it was Jon Stewart.  Could have been Lady Gaga.  Mumford and Sons? Some weirdo that hipsters listen to - they all sound the same to me.)

Now in my mind, I can't help but wonder how this aloofness can result in a date, let alone a serious relationship.  But that's because if I want something, I ask for it.  But asking someone you barely know to go out with you is death.  It just isn't done.  No one formally calls the person their interested on the phone and asks them to go out to dinner or a movie anymore (hell, they don't even propose staying home, ordering pizza and watching a DVD).  Relationships are just supposed to happen.  They come from all this subtle hint-dropping, game-playing, talking-around-the-subject nonsense that... actually does bring results.

I'm not kidding.  In the short time I've observed these methods, this flippant conversation crap actually has produced results.  Both parties have created sufficient mystery about themselves to breed enough curiosity that somehow, a mutual dating experience is agreed upon and they... go out.  Somewhere along the line, they both decide that they really like each other (I assume that the aloof, uninterested shenanigans must be cast aside at some point because how would you get to know somebody otherwise?  Or maybe they don't really know each other at all? I'm just guessing) and a Serious Relationship forms.

It's a blink-and-you-miss-it phenomenon, but somehow, it works.

Here is where my non-subtle-ness comes in - I have all the aloof flippancy of a monster truck pummeling the crap out of a Prius.  Dad says that I have no poker face.  This is true - I once sat in on a business meeting that was going full-speed into nowhere and I had no problem taking out my phone and playing Bejeweled while some Big Shot danced around the fact that he couldn't make some loan or another, but didn't want to hurt our feelings, but was a complete and total prick about it anyway (sounds like a few guys I've parted ways with in the past).  I was bored and wanted it over with and I was not shy about advertising that fact.  Dad wasn't terribly pleased with me, but I said "If they aren't going to do what we've asked them to do, why don't they just tell us and let us get on with our damn lives!"

On the flip side - when I meet a guy that I decide I like (or, at least I've decided I'd like to get to know him better - and NOT in a general party mash-up settting), social convention decrees that I have to appear uninterested because too much interest scares people off.  And social convention's idea of "too much interest" is actually my idea of "Hey, that was just enough interest - whaddaya mean I'm not supposed to tell him I like him five minutes after we've met???"

(Okay, that's an exaggeration - but you get the point).

To Make a Long Story Less Long - The Dating Games People Play suck monkeyballs.  If I like a guy, I want to be able to tell him and not have it be awkward.  If he doesn't like me, well then I'll be sad about it.  If we decide to try it and it doesn't work out, well then I'll be sad about it.  But if he does like me and it does work out, well then I'll be glad I told Hipster Nation to pound sand and I'll have someone with whom I can stay home and watch "The Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition" and enjoy Papa John's delivery while the rest of the sad, lonely doofuses in those ugly oversized glasses are out trying to be impressive without actually trying to be impressive.

Bottom Line: Single White Female honestly seeking a sweet (if somewhat nerdy) guy to share her life with and would be happy to leave behind the crappy game-playing single scene because it's just not fun anymore (if it was ever fun to begin with).

There. I said it. Social convention can go to hell.

I Don't Want to Live On This Planet Anymore

Since I graduated from college, I've noticed that I haven't been calling out instances of general annoyance in my day-to-day doings as much as I used to.  But something happened this week that I just have to point out.  Besides, the world has gotten away with its stupid shenanigans for way too long.

A bit of background before I launch - last Sunday, I was visiting with my family over football games and cooing over the baby niece.  Somebody (or several somebodies) brought up the "Why Are You Not Dating or Married Yet?" tirade.  I let this go on because people need their hobbies and I can't get them to shut up about it anyway.

Fast forward to Thursday - I am at work (you know, that thing where big kids go and do certain tasks and get paid money for doing them?) and the guys who bring in deliveries from other libraries came in.  They were engrossed in conversation and they were quite loud about it so it was hard to ignore.  They were more or less my age (maybe a little older - no older than early 30s).  I didn't care that they were talking.  But their conversation was a stunning example of why I just don't date.  They were discussing such wonders - like how the new Beavis and Butthead made fun of Jersey Shore (Pot, meet Kettle).  Oh - and the different nuances in how Letterman and Leno deliver their opening monologues.  Not to mention what the heck happened to Conan's show?

If that is the best my generation can offer in terms of datable material, then I will gladly take self-imposed vows of celibacy.

Now, I know what some of you will say (in the most nasally voice you can manage) - "Well, we sit through all your Doctor Who crap so why shouldn't you sit through our Beavis and Butthead stuff?"  Because, Dear Readers, this is my blog and I will write whatever I choose.  Including commentary on how stupid and inane my generation is.  When silly nonsense like 30 Rock and Glee is considered high quality entertainment, there is something wrong with the world (besides, I like Doctor Who).

Honestly, I almost want to apologize to the world for the abject stupidity of my generation.  When the braindead fools on MTV and Comedy Central can tell you what to think and how to believe, it's no wonder that marriage rates are dropping and people are actually worried about it.  There are other factors involved, but a big part of it is that both guys and girls hang out with each other, they put on this stupid brainless act that they see acted out on TV in front of each other and everyone says "I don't want to marry him/her - he/she is an idiot."

Like I said, intelligence is only one factor involved but for me, it's a biggie.  A guy had better have something more substantial to say to me than whatever asinine drivel Letterman flapped about in his monologue last night.  Until then, I'm taking my ball and going home.

The Cheap Cop-Out of "Let's Be Friends"

[Note: On the LiveJournal homepage, they pose "Writer's Block" questions that act as prompts for a blog post if you're looking for a topic to write about. I don't usually answer them (let's face it - I can think of plenty to write about on my own), but today's topic actually grabbed my attention. Since I don't advertise my LiveJournal blog (it's where I like to be anonymous and geeky), I have decided to post my thoughts on this subject here because there may be some Real Life peeps that may benefit from my musings. What can I say? I'm a writer - I think everyone is entitled to my opinion. Important points are bolded.]

Writer's Block Topic: Do you stay in touch with your former romantic partners? Have most of your break-ups been amicable or messy?

I haven't had so many actual "break-ups" (in the traditional sense), but I've had some hefty romantic disappointments that have felt like break-ups. And it's always been the guy doing the actual breaking up. If I were a sane person, I would count myself lucky that I've never had a big blow-up-style break-up. Alas, I am not sane and I wish that I had more experience with the nuclear-type break-ups to draw upon because I think this weak, awkward "let's be friend" crap is just as bad, if not worse.

Personally, I never want to do the "let's stay friends" thing with a guy that I've dated. Mostly because at some point in the relationship, I've probably imagined what it would be like if it was permanent and more often than not, I get attached to the idea of the permanence. (Sad, I know. I don't know how other people avoid doing that). I wish I didn't because it sucks. Usually, I can just ignore the guy and go on with life. But the really bad part is when HE continues to keep up the "friends" BS and I don't know how to tell him to knock it off without being completely bitchy (these are the times I truly hate having a conscience). Every time I get a phone call from him or an email or a Facebook message or I see him in real life, it reminds me of that happy, giddy "holy crap, this could be THE ONE" feeling and I'm reminded how everything really turned out and I feel embarrassed and idiotic. So, while he may think that it's okay that we be "friends," I honestly would prefer that he never make contact with me again. To the result that when I do hear from him, I'm not very nice. Then, I feel even worse because I know he was just trying to be kind and I threw it back in his face.

The key thing to remember: The worst phrase in the English language is "Let's be friends" because all it is is a pathetic attempt to soften the blow that would probably be better in the long run if he just kicked me to the curb in the cruelest way possible. That way, I don't beat myself up into a bloody pulp when I do treat him like scum when he calls or emails and I'll feel better about moving on because he never liked me anyway, the bastard.

The best advice I can give to a guy that wants to break it off with me is this: Just be abrupt and tell me you don't ever want to see me again. Emulate the Band-aid method - it's a bit more painful, but it's fast and done with. Don't worry, I'm a big girl. I'll eventually get over it and be better for it (I might even come to a point where I don't completely hate your guts). Don't feel like you have be bestest-best-buds with me just because you think it somehow makes everything okay in the short-term. In reality, it doesn't. All it does is make life more awkward for the both of us. To be honest, there are some situations I really haven't completely healed over because I feel like I have to be "friends" and I just can't handle that right now (if ever). "Friends" just prolongs the suffering.

I promise - If you let me down hard, I won't write nasty things about you online, I won't deliberately wreck your car, I won't prank call you in the middle of the night, I won't sic my dog on you, I'll make my dad put the shotgun down (I don't know - what do harpy-shrewish-women-scorned-in-love do nowadays?) I may whine to my sisters and my mom and my friends and I may eviscerate you in my pen-and-paper journal that I keep hidden in my room, but that's just for therapeutic purposes and not to be shared beyond that (keep in mind that what you don't know won't hurt you). After some time (how much time is dependent upon the situation), my reason and logic will return and I will be a sensible person once again, but that can't happen if you keep showing up just to remind me you just want to be "friends" (if it's truly, honestly an accident that we happened to meet at the grocery store or whatever, that's forgivable. But even semi-constant contact through email or invitations to go to group activities, etc. is pushing it. I don't care if you're commenting on my Facebook status update about the weather - go take a quiz about which Disney princess you are). Just let me have my time to heal and if we ever meet up again, it might just be a pleasant encounter. I also promise that I will do the same and not contact you. I've probably already deleted your phone number from my contact list anyway.

Does this make me sound a heartless shrew? Perhaps. But it's also good incentive to never date (which is another topic for another day - maybe I'll submit that as a Writer's Block question).

Random Thoughts - 3/29/10

I Believe the Term You're Looking for is *headdesk* - Just came back from yearbook. And found out that the school owns a copy of Adobe PageMaker! And we've been needlessly using PowerPoint this whole time!! The best line was the principal going "Oh - well, we used PowerPoint last year and it was a nice yearbook."

(Note - Last year's yearbook was the publishing world's version of cow manure. Even the kids said so. If you saw it, you'd think so even if you had the tact to not say it out loud. Which I didn't until this year's staff said it first. Then I felt okay about it.)

Is There Something You're Trying to Tell Me? - Upon my return home, I got the mail and saw that this month's church magazines had come. And one of the cover stories on the Ensign was "Confidence to Marry" and then listed four - count 'em, FOUR - page numbers on which related articles could be found. If that wasn't enough, the entire New Era is dedicated to the topic of "Dating for Beginners."

I'm almost afraid to look in the Friend...

Ending on a Upbeat Note and a Question - I also got a notice of my student loan awards and all I have to do is go online and accept the ones I want for the 2010-2011 school year (yay!!!) But I also have a question that maybe someone out there in internet land can answer - I've been awarded subsidized and unsubsidized loans and a Perkins loan. I accepted the subsidized loans because those don't start accruing interest until I graduate (unsubsidized accrue interest the minute they're issued). But, the Perkins loan - I'm not sure when it starts collecting interest. And I need a little extra because the subsidized loans didn't quite cover all my tuition and fees and I need money for books and such.

So, my question is does anyone know if a Perkins loan starts accruing interest when I get it or if it waits until I graduate? I tried looking for the answer online, but nobody has a satisfactory plain-English-non-legalese answer and the financial aid office in Kansas is closed (color me an idiot).

Well, This is Quite Fortuitous

We had Branch Conference today and there was quite the happy announcement that I knew was coming, but it's really cool to announce it when it's all official and junk. In April, there will be a singles branch in Delta! It officially starts April 18th and I am ecstatic beyond all reason.

Not that I don't like going to church at my home branch. In fact, if I could just go there, I would. But people make idiotic comments and wonder when you're going to start dating and when are you going to leave the home fires to seek your fortune? (Individuals who are nicer than me refer to this as "Those with an underdeveloped sense of appropriateness." I just call it "Those who like to make asses of themselves.")

When I got on the plane to come home from my mission, I had a lot of weird emotions. One was that I was excited to come home, but sad to leave Florida. But another thought I had was that I had no idea where I was going to live or even where I would go to church. I have already chronicled my hate and disdain for singles wards. And that was just a student ward - I haven't carped about actual singles wards that aren't attached to a college.

Coming home, I did NOT want to relocate to Salt Lake for any reason because when I lived there a couple years ago, I learned that people go to Salt Lake singles wards to just ferment until they turn 35. That's just not something I fancy doing. But what other options are left to me? Provo and/or Orem? (I think I just threw up in my mouth...)

The stake I finished my mission in had a singles branch very like what the Delta 8th Branch will be. And I liked how they ran things. It was a smaller group (well, duh, it's a branch) and they were all pretty close-knit. And it didn't seem like they were all expected to "just" get married (which is one of my biggest beefs about singles wards/branches). They all had a lot more in common with each other and they actually had fun instead of just manufacturing their fun. So, I'm happy about this.

(Dang, Utah State Aggies playing Texas A&M Aggies... Hee hee hee ^_^)

A Hasty Postscript

In my fit of giggly weirdness, I forgot to mention that my last post detailing the impending Apocalypse was actually initiated by Alison and Johnny's commentary about my upcoming date (and since it seems everyone knows now - yes, that is my own darn fault and I admit to it - to heck with keeping it secret). I was in such a funny mood at the time, I had to document it. Which, is notable in and of itself because very rarely does any of Johnny's teasing put me in a good mood. Maybe it's just because I see the irony in it - but that's my last word on that subject.

This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

Everyone get their food storage ready and hunker down in the bomb shelters. We urge to you to hoard food and steal gas. If you are an elderly American, you will not survive. Take to the streets, everyone. Pack up the SUV and cash in your life savings for gold bars! Calling Nicolas Cage!

The end of the world is coming. No, the Detroit Lions did not win a Super Bowl. Although that could be very possible now that this has happened:

I've been asked out on a date.

Start praying. Now. I'm serious - this is not a drill.

The Price of Romance

I'm here watching Sunday Night Football and I know it's the Christmas buying season because of all the sappy jewelry commercials. And a blog topic occurs to me. No way am I going to let this opportunity slide.

So, I have a question - do diamonds really equate love? I mean, I know commercials are marketing ploys just to get a product's name out there and if you have the most memorable commercial people will buy your product. But honestly, I can't tell one jewelry commercial from the next. They all stinking look the same: guy and girl cuddling all sweetly in a blizzard or in front of a warm fireplace. Maybe she's a little clingier than usual. Guy is the epitome of gentlemanly chivalry - the kind that no living male could hope to be (I'm letting you guys off the hook here, you can thank me later). Using the powers of suave that would put James Bond to shame, he pulls out a black box that contains a diamond necklace or earrings or a ring. Girl expresses surprise - never mind that this has been his Christmas present routine to her the last five-ten years.

I can understand the diamond ring deal if it's an engagement ring (I may be cynical about all this romance crap, but I'm still female and an engagement is a special tradition that even I can't overlook). But I have a pair of earrings from Claire's that are pearl and cubic zirconium that I just love. They look the same as any diamond that any boyfriend could give me, I'm sure. I just don't get what the draw is for a guy to spend zillions of dollars on something that I probably won't wear very often because it's way too nice.

Sure, if you want to spend ten paychecks on something that just sits on my neck or finger or earlobes, I appreciate the gesture. But I'd rather that money be spent on something fun. Shoot, let's take the money and go to a football game together.

Besides, if all you give is nice jewelry, it gets boring. Seriously, how much thought goes into a piece of jewelry? That's the easy way out for a guy. Throw your girl a curveball once in a while - have you ever seen "Beauty and the Beast?" The Beast stresses about a nice present for Belle and he ends up giving her an entire library - something the bookish Belle can truly appreciate. And the Beast gets to save the diamond for another day when he can't think of anything else.

And then I wonder - what's a nice gift that a girl can give to the special guy in her life? The answer isn't quite as easy and it probably depends on what your guy's interests are. She really has to know what he'd like and actually have to put some thought into what she's going to give him. But it's kind of weird - he gives her a "Past, Present, Future" pendant and she gives him "Grand Theft Auto" for the PS3 (well, I guess each couple has their own tastes - maybe I just think it's weird).

Just my musings... these jewelry commercials are stinking boring. And I've never been in any kind of relationship where a guy would feel compelled to buy me something nice, so maybe that's where the cynicism comes from. Meh... take it for what it's worth.

(Man, I keep popping my neck and it feels good. My neck has been giving me grief lately. That would be a gift I could appreciate right now - someone to massage my neck and back.)