Friday, October 30, 2015

New Titles and Old Favorites (And Eternal Lessons)

So... you know how I do that whole "Year End Playlist" thing every year? How I spend the year collecting songs that I think exemplify the things that happened to me or songs that ended up meaning something as the year goes on? I've been working on 2015's throughout the year (like I did for 2014) and there have been some terrific additions to the playlist (some that I've already cut just because I changed my mind).

But I think this is going to be the definitive entry for this year's creation -

Though in all truthiness, I haven't decided if I want that one or The Piano Guys version (I might just pull a "Let It Go" from last year and do both. Hey - it's my playlist. I can do what I want with it! Besides, my Scottish heritage is kind of in love with this rendition) -

And not because I feel like I've got anything to prove to anyone (other than myself, I suppose. But that's a constant battle). Maybe it's just where I am in life - super-awesome job that I love, super-awesome fiance that I love (oh yeah - forgot to mention that. I'm engaged! For real! February's the big day!), and I'm just 200% happier than I was a year ago.

The best part is finally feeling like all that pain and turmoil that I had to slog through for so long was actually, in fact, worth it. People kept telling me that there was something I had to learn and that's why I was going through the things I went through. Why I kept hearing "no" over and over again when there were things that I desperately wanted - when I felt like I must have screwed up something big and there was no way I could salvage anything from my life and make it into anything worthwhile.

But I kept working at it and kept doing what I was already doing. I filled my life with the best possible things I could at the time. I went to the temple, I served in my church callings (that calling with the teen girls in drug rehab was probably most fulfilling calling I've ever had. And I include my mission in that statement), I did my absolute damn best at work, I relished my hobbies - and I was slowly able to let go of the rejection and disappointment that I thought was going to be my trademark for the rest of my life.

And - wonder of wonders - look what happened! The two things that I'd been hoping and praying for actually freaking happened (well - two out of three. My closet still doesn't open into a portal to Narnia) - I was offered a job by two ladies whom I've admired since I discovered their blog and I was finally able to do something I'd only dreamed about since middle school. And the guy that I liked since pretty much the first time I met him (and had a ridiculous schoolgirl crush on that I never thought would amount to anything) asked me out and now I've got a ring on my finger and we're planning a wedding for after the new year. Like - seriously! How in the world does this stuff even happen? To some dorky little nobody like me? I'm the glorified gopher girl - good things don't happen to me!

Except when they do. And that's when I look up at God and say "This whole time. This. Whole. Stinking. Time. You knew EXACTLY what you were doing."

(I'm still pulling out minor details from years ago that led to these big things. It's ridiculous how this stuff happens. That'll teach me to think - even for one second - that I've been left alone to my own devices.)

I'm not going to pretend it was easy. I'm also not going to act like I had this monstrous pile of suffering either. This is what I do know - I hit my version of rock bottom and I had to claw my way back to the top. And, truly, I could have gotten back up here and still been without a full-time job and single as the day is long. But I had come to a point where I wasn't going to be angry at the world/God/myself anymore. What was the purpose of being angry, really?

Maybe that's the lesson here. And it's something I'll have to reach back for when tough times come again (I'm not stupid enough to think that it's smooth sailing from here on out). But for now - I'm going to enjoy my victory and my joy. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I didn't let the hard things run me over completely.

I've still got a lot of fight left in me.

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