Sunday, November 22, 2009

World Class Cat-Herding

It's just my luck. You know, I've cheered for the Utah Jazz and the Utah Utes (football and basketball) all my life. I've seen these teams have success, but never win any championships. They've come close, but never got there, much to my disappointment and many tears (ask me about a Jazz Finals game I went to when I was 13. Heartbreaking...)

So, in order to be more "diverse" Davey Checketts brings Euro-trash - I mean, soccer - to Salt Lake. And wouldn't you know it, they would win their retarded championship. The one pro team in Utah I hate - and they win their championship (after having a losing season, it seems). There is no justice in this world. This idiotic Real Salt Lake team has only been around for - what - five years? The only people who will be celebrating are all the illegal Mexicans. What about us white folk that have been holding out for one of our American teams to bring home a title? This is SO not fair!!

How the crap do you win by tying? What kind of stupid game is this? What kind of stupid name is Real Salt Lake? Can't you at least have a real team name? This isn't Spain - this is the Wasatch Front. We speak English. We're not trying to impress people here. If you want to be accepted in this country, have a name like - Tigers or Bulldogs (or Aggies or Utes). We're not France or England or any other stupid country in Europe. And we're sure as heck not Mexico (contrary to what some people might think).

I hate soccer (or as I like to call it, Cat-Herding). Because it's popular in Europe and the "world" likes it and they tell Americans that we have to like it, I hate it. I could be more tolerant of it if they weren't so snotty about it.

I will say this: at least they don't have "Utah" in their name. I don't have to cheer for them. I don't live in Salt Lake. They have no claim on me and I have no claim on them. Just like I don't live in Provo, so I don't cheer for BYU (there are other reasons, but that's the relevant one right now). If it was Real Utah - I'd move to Nevada.

Now the Jazz need to win the Finals. It's only fair. They've been in town longer and they've been denied for more years. More importantly - I've been denied for longer than soccer's been around. Cough up, NBA, NCAA.

(Barring that, Davey Checketts can fork out some money and give Utah an NFL team. If the Rams still stink it up in St. Louis - they can move to Salt Lake. They wouldn't even have to change their initials. Checketts owes us for this humiliation).

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