The Preemptive Critic - Snow White Times Two

Back when I was doing my undergrad at Utah State University, I wrote a bi-weekly column for The Utah Statesman (it wasn't anything too special - social commentary on current events.  Kind of boring).  A small group of my colleagues also wrote a column to go in the Entertainment section called "The Preemptive Critics."  This column reviewed movies on the basis of having only seen the trailers, TV spots, posters and other advertising - but without having actually seen the movies or any other kind of reviews.  It was touted as a purely knee-jerk reaction to the movie, but it was a clever (and cheap) way to provide content for the newspaper.

Now, you've probably noticed how anemic my postings have been of late.  In my defense, I'm too broke to go see movies in the theaters (and I have zero time), there are no TV shows worth reviewing (wait - this just in - Doctor Who is still not on) and I'm not delving into politics here (nope, none of those shenanigans, thank you).  But I've had a couple of ideas lately and bringing back "The Preemptive Critic" is one of them (just the one Critic, mind you.  This blog has always been a one-girl operation).  I have a few other ideas, but I will go into them another time.  So, for today, I present

The Preemptive Critic: Snow White and the Huntsman



Okay, so my initial reaction to hearing that Kristen "Bella the Emotionless Sea Cucumber" Stewart was in this movie put me off of ever seeing it.  However, in this trailer she actually came off as being invested in her character and I'm actually willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in this case (in her performance in "Twilight," it could be a case of the original source material being complete and utter crap).  Plus, I have a fondness for classic fairy tale retellings and I think "Snow White" could pull off the Epic Badass Action Fantasy schtick much better than "Alice in Wonderland" did (though why the costume department insists on putting a female action hero in plate armor is anyone's guess.  Maybe it's to appease the militant feminists or something, but I think it looks stupid. She's a princess, for cripes' sake!  They didn't shove Susan and Lucy Pevensie into armor and they went into battle just fine).

Oh, and Chris Hemsworth's in this movie. YES, PLEASE!

I am preemptively intrigued by this movie and will likely see it at the dollar theater.  If I have nothing better to do with myself.

With that said - there is another "Snow White" retelling being released this year (how 'bout that?), so it makes sense to also bring you

The Preemptive Critic: Mirror Mirror



By definition, Julia Roberts is annoying.  And she's never the character she's playing.  She's always Julia Roberts in some fancy get-up playing alongside a bunch of people who are actually in-character.  While this tries to put Snow White into the action girl hero-mode, but whenever you have to explicitly state "I'm not a typical fairy-tale princess because I'm not going to wait around for a prince to save me," you've pulled me out of the story and into some After-School Special Message and I really hate that.  If you really are the lady-action-hero, don't sit around and lecture me about it - GO DO SOMETHING! (argh!)  Oh and the slapstick takes away from any kind of serious credibility I was willing to lend to your story.  "The Princess Bride" and "Shrek" can do fairy tale comedy - but those are original stories taking elements of fairy tales and putting them into a comedy.  Making an already-established fairy tale funny just doesn't work.  Sorry.

I preemptively hate this movie.

(Huh, I favor the movie with the Emotionless Sea Cucumber over the movie with the Established Beautiful Person Who Happens to Be An Actress That Everyone Loves. Go figure.)