Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Heroes Don't Get Happy Endings

Review/Recap of 24: Live Another Day, Episode 12: 10:00pm-11:00 am - SPOILERS!

(no, that's not a typo - they actually do skip 12 hours at some point).

"He said I'm a villain, and that villains don't get happy endings. You believe that?"
"I hope not. Or we've wasted our lives."
           - The Evil Queen and Captain Hook
             Once Upon a Time, 3.01 - "The Heart of the Truest Believer"

Dear 24 People - When I said "Don't kill off Chloe, that wasn't a go ahead nod to kill off AUDREY you idiots!"

I don't even have the energy to flip the table over this time, so Disapproving Tyrion will have to do.
I had this whole *dance party* thing prepared because Kate "Badass" Morgan was going to save Audrey from Cheng Zhi's Sniper Dude of DOOM and she succeeded because she's Kate "Badass" Morgan - but then you had to go and sneak in a second shooter.

Well, I suppose that there was one last 24 trope they needed to slip in before the end. That of the silent clock tick when a main character dies.

Seriously - this has sucked all the funny out of me. I had jokes prepared about Chloe still out hitchhiking and how I hope she didn't get chased around by a mountain lion (do they have those in England?) I was ready to call for an awesome video game where one or two players act as gunmen and one other acts as stealth tactical like Chloe because I want to run the infrared scanner and hack into the satellite wifi signal and send orders to my shooters on the ground that are going to blow shit up and I made them do that. Even the President being introduced to the CIA ("Mr. President, the CIA. The CIA, Mr. President") had dry humor potential.

But nope. You all went and sunk my ship. For good.

And the heartbreak doesn't stop there. For you see, Kate feels a mighty need to call Jack WHILE HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF APPREHENDING THE GOOFBALL RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS to tell him that Audrey is dead. And if Kate's continued apologies and speaking-through-her-tears wasn't heartrending enough... look, Jack doesn't cry very often. Usually he's the one making the bad guys cry. But when Jack Bauer is moved to tears... ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. My heart. Ow. Thanks for ripping it out and stomping it on the floor. Not like I was using it for anything else, you know.

But then something rather remarkable happens. In that Jack's tears are often followed by BERSERKER MODE MAJOR. In which Jack proceeds to forget all stealth and tactics and completely rips through the bad guy's minions like they were toilet paper. And then, he captures Cheng. He still has the presence of mind to contact the President and the CIA to verify that Cheng is alive so they can prove to the Chinese that the Americans really didn't send that nuclear missile to their aircraft carrier. With war averted, there is only one thing left for Jack to do. Jack Bauer, the man who asked for a hacksaw in Season 2 to cut up and dispose of a suspicious looking body, takes a katana off the wall of the ship they're on (a katana on a cargo ship? Well, sailors end up with some crazy stuff - I won't judge) and ritually beheads Cheng.

Well, they did say "Viewer Discretion is Advised."

I'm not even gonna talk about the scene where President Heller gets news of his daughter's death and passes out from the shock of it. Nope. Not happening.

The heartbreak and life-ruining continues. For you see, Jack lost contact with Chloe when Cheng and his mooks discovered someone was pirating their wifi (I guess Redshirt #427's Netflix stream wasn't working as well as it should have been. He was missing Orange is the New Black). So after Jack comes off his BERSERKER high, he goes back to check on Chloe. Who is now missing.

Excuse me.

All right, I'm back.

Coming back from commercial, we FINALLY get the promised time-skip to twelve hours later. Inside the CIA, Mark Boudreau is being escorted in handcuffs to a plane that'll take him to wherever it is that they take traitors who forge the President's signature (I'm trying to decide if all this was Mark's fault or not - I would really love to pin the blame on that asshat). And... Kate Morgan, my dear lovely badass girl-crush Kate Morgan, is so torn up about Audrey getting killed while she was tasked with getting her to safety that she resigns from the CIA.

Elsewhere, Audrey's casket is being escorted onto Air Force One (that didn't take long). Prime Minister Stephen Fry returns to express condolences (right decent of him) and President Heller gives this (ow my heart) farewell monologue about how he was once looking at a photo of a beautiful woman on his desk, but he couldn't for the life of him remember her name. After about 15 seconds, he remembered it was his daughter Audrey. And soon, he won't even remember that he had a daughter or that she died in such a horrific way. Heller goes up the flag-draped casket being carried by a group of soldiers and places a hand on the casket as he walks alongside it.

So - remember how Chloe was missing? *makes another Grand Canyon run* Jack got a phone call right as he found out she was gone. He agreed to meet whoever was on the other line, presumably to trade his life for Chloe's (strangely enough, we don't hear the voice of the other party on the phone). So now we cut to an abandoned construction site (or something) where a black helicopter is waiting and a car is driving up. Jack gets out of the car... and a bunch of Russians get out of the helicopter.

So, Jack trades his life to the Russians so Chloe can go free. Which means all the bullshit about Mark signing the rendition order and getting busted for that and Jack beating up on the Chinese to stop a war and sneaking into the Russian diplomat's house WAS FOR FREAKING NOTHING???!!!! In the end, Jack got shipped off to Moscow, which I hear is NOT rather lovely this time of year, but not before Chloe promises to check up on Jack's family when she gets home (home to what, we're not sure since that dinkhead Adrian Cross had her husband and son killed!!) And the final scene of 24: Live Another Day is NOT Jack enjoying a presidential pardon or riding off with his True Love Audrey into the sunset and Kate Morgan being made Head Chief of the CIA and Chloe becoming their Best Analyst Ever - but yet another promise of a foreign prison cell with much torture and ouchie time.

I hate this damn show (I hope they make another miniseries).

(In the meantime, I'm off to scour Tumblr for any more set reports from the Once Upon a Time season 4 filming. Because dammit I need something happy!)

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