Thursday, November 17, 2016

Jared Watches Sailor Moon Crystal Episode 7 - Mamoru Chiba, Tuxedo Mask

It's been a few weeks - between colds and politics, reality has taken a front seat. Kind of an unfortunate place for it happen, considering the cliffhanger from the last episode. But we're back and the snark must flow!

Well... kind of.

I like your face.
When last we left our heroine, she was waking up in a strange bed in a strange apartment with a not-so-strange person hanging around. And she's oddly calm about it. Usagi's life is bizarre, folks.

Jared: And he somehow de-transformed her.

Me: I think it just happened because she was exhausted. She just powered-down.

Jared: Didn't happen last time she fell asleep while transformed!

I'm not having this argument.

Me: Last time [at the Masquerade] she was sleepy. This time, she used up all her Sailor Moon power.

Apparently, I am having this argument.

Jared is exceedingly hung up on the fact that Usagi woke up with her shoes off in a man's bed and he just won't shut up about it. Good grief - can't he just enjoy the tinkly romantic background music?

Me: Look, it's not like he changed her clothes before he put her in his bed! It's just a place for her to sleep it off!

Jared: Shouldn't she be freaking out even just a little bit?

Usagi (enchanted by the fact that she now knows the identity of the mysteriously sexy Tuxedo Mask): I never noticed it before. And those eyes that I can't seem to look away from...

Jared: No, forget what she says! What about her parents' reaction?

Sweet mercy - these two are having a ~*~romantic anime moment~*~ and my husband has to bring reality into this. I hope he's better behaved on our anniversary.

Me: We're just not going to tell them.

Jared: But it's the next day! They should notice that! Just a little bit?

Me: When you're the parent of a teenager who's a superhero, you're just oblivious to everything.

Jared: Nah - it's the new mantra: Luna did it.


Jared: No! That's actually brilliant! Luna can speak! If she can mimic voices, Luna could just sneak into her bedroom and call out from there!

Me: I'm sure her friends are looking for her. Probably fudged it and told her parents that she spent the night at one of their houses, so they wouldn't worry.

The credits roll and Jared becomes preoccupied with other details. Like the Sailor Guardians' accessories. 

Jared: Jupiter has the antenna, Venus has that weird ball-belt-thing, Mercury's got the visor. Mars... just has the paper-spell-scroll-things, so she lucks out there. Sailor Moon has, like, FIVE things.

Title card - and it's confusing to Jared.

Jared: I thought the last one was called "Tuxedo Mask,"

Me: It was. This one is "Mamoru Chiba, Tuxedo Mask." Important distinction.

And now, dear audience, it's time to come to the Tragic Backstory portion of the story. Well, the first of many. Let's be real here. None of these characters have particularly happy lives.

Jared is actually entranced by this part and doesn't say much. I'm taking it as a good sign.

Flashback to Mamoru's sixth birthday and tiny!Mamo-chan happily calling for his parents to take him for a drive.

Jared: Look, I know this is just because of the current political climate, but I swear it looks like he's wearing a Trump hat.

Good sign's gone, y'all.

Me (through hearty shouts of laughter): You are a terrible human being! This poor kid is losing his mom and dad on his sixth birthday, and you're just... with the hat!

Folks, I've lost it at this point.

Jared: Ah! And with the strategically-placed bandages on the cheeks, so you know he was injured! Very stylistic. It's not even that there's anything wrong there. It's like "Oh, he's an amnesiac. Better put the cheek-things on."

Mamoru: Mamoru Chiba? Is that who I am? I don't know. I could be someone else entirely.

Jared: Well, there's a story. Actually... already been done. Son of the Black Sword. A little darker, though.

Me: True. But there's not really a love story in that one.

Jared: Yes there is! The librarian!

Me: Yeah, okay.

Mamoru: You're looking for the Legendary Silver Crystal too. You and the other Sailor Guardians. How come?

Usagi: Actually... I don't know why.

Me: Now, people freak out because animators draw female characters too skinny, but look at him! Where are all of his internal organs??

Seriously, people. A little consistency, if you please.

Jared: The bigger question is where do they put their brain with those huge eyes!

Me: That's most anime, though.

Jared: I know, but still!

And another thing...

Jared: Now that's sad. He asks her why she's looking for the Crystal and she says "I don't know! I don't pay attention!"

Jared: Also, she's really short.

Me: Canonically, she's not even five-foot.

I feel like we've had this discussion before.

Usagi walks home in a lovey-dovey daze, thrilled that Tuxedo Mask is really not the Sailor Guardians' enemy. 

Jared: Well OF COURSE he's not your enemy! If he was, he could have stabbed you while you were asleep! Jut throwing that out there. Sure, it's not that kind of anime, but still!

Also, Mamoru called Usagi "Usako" and it's a cutesy nickname that is damn adorable, and don't you dare forget it!

I just... really like these two, okay? 

Jared: Her nickname would probably be more meaningful to me if I knew Japanese.

Me: It's like if you put "-ko" at the end of a name, it's a very sweet pet name.

Jared: Oh.

Yes, folks. Marvel at my super-extensive knowledge of Japanese honorifics.

Though I will remain forever miffed that they dropped the "-chan" off "Mamo-chan" in the dub. I get why it was done - it's probably better to drop all of the honorifics, rather than get it horribly wrong (which is easy to do if you're not 100% sure what you're doing). But there's something missing when Usagi just calls him "Mamo." My two cents.


Meanwhile, Luna's hanging out at the arcade/command center and talking to Mysterious Stranger #2. 

Jared: What? She's not even looking for Usagi!

Luna: Sailor Moon in particular is still having a lot of trouble, unfortunately. I think she needs some more time.

Mysterious Stranger #2: Time is a luxury we don't have. The enemy will be upon us soon.

Jared: Ooooh - shadowy person! Who could it POSSIBLY be? Good grief. They're sitting under her game! Why are they even trying to keep it a secret from us?

Me: It's kind of hard, since it's been twenty years and this is an extremely popular anime - almost twenty-five years, actually.

Speaking of enemies, Queen Beryl is feeding her pet spirit-smoke-entity-thing.

Beryl: Oh great ruler, Queen Metallia! Your humble servant awaits! I offer this energy from the humans. May it revive you, Great One!
I call this one "Beryl Feeding the Cat."
Jared: Appetizers!

Queen Metallia:

Jared: It's like she's the unholy combination of Meowth and Haunter.

He has a point -

Queen Metallia

Where is the lie?

Beryl: One day I discovered D-Point and found Evil HQ and became their Queen and took the power and destroyed a lot of junk. The end.

Okay, I'm paraphrasing.

Jared: So, this is way far north, then?

Me: Near the North Pole, yes.

Jared: So, how did she find it?

Me: She wandered very far. Don't know where she started from, though.

Jared: Good thing she has magic, or she would've starved to death. No - more importantly, in that outfit, she would have frozen to death.

My husband always focuses on the important details.

Beryl (inner monologue): It may have been my destiny to release [Queen Metallia], but when it comes to the Legendary Silver Crystal, I won't hand it over so easily!

Jared: Chronic Backstabbing Disorder! WHOO!

Back on Earth, a new video store has opened called Rental Shop Dark. Because NOTHING bad can come from something called "Dark," now could it? 

Jared: I love how they don't even have real cases for the DVDs. Just the cheapo plastic ones. No cover art.

Dude Walking Out Of Store: Gotta watch the movies... gotta watch the movies...

Jared: Yeah, that guy's creepy. MIND-BRAIN-WASHED!

Me: It'd be funny if they did the "Dark" version of Netflix.

Later at school, Usagi, Ami, and Mako are discussing important Sailor mission stuff. The girls wonder about Sailor V and study a picture Ami has of her on her not-iPad.

Usagi: Look! Sailor V has a crescent moon shape on her forehead, just like Luna! Maybe that means she's from the moon too!

Jared: That's... not bad logic, coming from Sailor Moon.

When you start with low expectations, you can only go up from here!

Umino jumps out of the bushes and creepily talks about finding Sailor Moon because Sailor V is "old news." It's as pervy as you'd expect.

Jared: Wow. Plant-pom-poms and the creepy - how did he get the creepy eyes? You can't even see 'em!

Ami: Umino, are you feeling okay?

Jared: Is he ever?

Luna (popping out from behind the girls): He's a little overly-aggressive today!

Jared: Why are you hiding? You're a cat! Just show up! Talk a little less, maybe.

Luna: Sailor V? I don't think she has anything to do with the Moon Kingdom.

Jared: Pfffffffffft....

Ami: Perhaps Usagi can sense something about Sailor V that the rest of us aren't able to pick up on. Usagi was the first Guardian Luna found, and she's our leader!

Me: "Our Leader," everybody.

Jared: What is that? Ketchup?

Mako and Ami point out that Usagi has ketchup on her face and Usagi scrambles to find her handkerchief, which she is just now realizing is missing.

Jared: She only has the one handkerchief?

Me: Not everyone has a handkerchief for every day of the week like you do, dear.

Jared: Yeah, but her handkerchief was in the princess dress, and she hasn't noticed this entire time that it's been gone?

Usagi (inner monologue): I know I should tell everybody about Tuxedo Mask...

Jared: Might want to fix your face before you start monologuing.

Usagi (still monologuing with ketchup smeared on her face): ...I'm sure they'd all be surprised...

Jared: No they wouldn't. I mean, Luna saw come to your bedroom window!

Usagi (more monologuing): What if they wouldn't let me see him anymore?

Me: They're you're friends, not your jailers!

Jared: And you're the leader, anyway.

Usagi: How come my heart beats whenever I think of him?

Jared: Because you're a fourteen-year-old girl.

Having once been a fourteen-year-old girl, I can confirm that this is true. Every fourteen-year-old girl whose had a crush thinks it's the end of the world.

Elsewhere, Mamoru is brooding on a rooftop, thinking of Usagi. Speaking of every fourteen-year-old girl's fantasy...

Jared: That's kind of a bland high school uniform.

Me: There's a jacket that goes with it.

Jared: But didn't one of the girls recognize it? And it's like "HOW?" That is the blandest thing ever. How many thousands of schools are there that would use the same style?

That's the real secret of Sailor Moon: the different styles of school uniforms.

Later, Usagi goes to class and finds out that most - if not all - of her classmates are brainwashed into obsessively looking for Sailor Moon.


Luna: Usagi! Your friend Naru isn't herself!

Jared: No crap!

Naru: I must find Sailor Moon...

Jared: She's got the empty-eyes going on. So, what? The teacher's just oblivious?

Me: The teacher's probably chanting too!

Luna sees the Dark DVDs and she and Usagi take it to the arcade, where Luna tells her and Ami to put it in the Sailor V game.

Jared: They really should stop putting brainwashing devices in right in front of their eyes!

Me: Ami got brainwashed once. She should probably be able to recognize the tactic. Or at least be immune to it.

Sailor V (in the game): What are you waiting for, Sailor Moon? That is a brainwashing DVD!


Usagi: The Sailor V in the game is talking to me again!
Jared: And no one else is reacting?

Ami: You should go, Usagi. Try to help anyone you can. I'll check out this disc and see what I can find.

Jared: Not their worst plan ever.

Meanwhile, Mamoru is still brooding but this time he's on the bus and berating himself for telling Usagi his entire life story.

Mamoru: Why did I tell her all that? Something's wrong with me.

Me: In Japanese, he actually says "I'm such an idiot." It's actually a little funnier.

The bus stops without warning and people start zombie-chanting about finding Sailor Moon and stealing the Crystal. Suddenly, Mamoru's problems don't seem to be that big of a deal.

Jared: Wait - who was driving the bus until now?

Me: That guy *points* The bus driver.

Jared: The brainwashed one?

Me: Yep.

Jared: They're really lucky they didn't crash.

Zoicite orchestrates all this from an undisclosed location.

Zoicite: Find Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon holds the key to the Legendary Silver Crystal. She must be taken alive!

Jared: But they know her first name! Luna shouted it out in the last episode in front of everybody!

See, people? Don't make rookie mistakes like that.

Speaking of rookie mistakes, the brainwashed-zombie-people start breaking windows and causing general mayhem in their frustration. Like you do. 
See also: The Current State of Portland.

Jared: Yes! Because rioting and looting is the answer to finding Sailor Moon!

Me: It's the answer to everything! Don't you know?

Jared: I guess technically rioting might actually work, because she's a Guardian. So, I guess she'd come stop crime from taking place and they could catch her then.

Me: Looking in sock drawers certainly didn't work last time.

Ami, Rei, and Mako get in touch and decide that they need to go protect Usagi, which leads to a blink-and-you'll-miss-it non-transformation-transformation sequence.

Jared: And they're really pushed for time! Zero transformation sequence!

Usagi decides that she needs to transform to stop all the chaos and wanton property destruction from taking place. 

Me: You know, she could have just not transformed and been fine.

Jared: They can't seem to find her in civilian clothes!

Sailor Moon transforms.

Jared: Do the barrettes even do anything?

Me: We already had this conversation, didn't we?

Jared: Probably.

Sailor Moon announces her presence... and she really didn't think this through all the way.

Jared: Now what?

The zombie-people rush out to grab her.


But then she "Moon Healing Escalation"-s the crowd and it actually works!

Jared: That's actually one of her better plans!

Her victory is short-lived, since Zoicite pops out of nowhere and tackles her to the ground.

Jared: IT'S A TRAP!

Sailor Moon: You took advantage of people who just wanted to watch movies for fun! That's unforgivable!

Jared: So many things are unforgivable.

Me: Oh, wait until we try out the original anime.

Sailor Moon: In the name of the Moon, I'll...

She screams as Zoicite disappears and then grabs her around the neck from behind.

Jared: Talking is not a free action! That's hilarious! That's the first time that it's actually been a thing!

The other Sailor Guardians appear and start fighting Zoicites

Sailor Jupiter: Supreme Thunder!

Jared: Wouldn't that be lightning?

Me: Ehhh... it's interchangeable.

But because this is none of these girls' introductory episodes and they can't ever be as powerful as they were the first time we met them, their powers fail and Zoicite easily blocks their attacks and knocks them down for the count.

Jared: It's almost better that they didn't plan those hits.

Zoicite taunts Sailor Moon and threatens to kill her friends if she doesn't hand over the Silver Crystal.

Sailor Moon: No! I have to save them!

Jared: Fighting back might be a good idea.

Sailor Moon (losing consciouness): me...

Out of nowhere, a gloved fist rushes in a lands a punch on Zoicite's jaw. 

Jared (laughing): Just POW! Right in the kisser!

He's vastly amused by this.

Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask! You came for me!

Jared: Okay, now is NOT the time to be doing lovey-dovey stuff!

Me: Flirting is definitely not a free action.

Zoicite: Tuxedo Mask? I thought you wanted the Legendary Silver Crystal too!

Tuxedo Mask: What I want? *winds up for another punch* You have no idea what I want!

(Quick Note: Mad props to Robbie Daymond for his performance there. That's one of my favorite Mamoru lines in the new dub. Thus far. *smiley face*)

Jared: Aaaand... not gonna work.

Of course not.

Me: Ugh. The same things never work twice! It's so frustrating.

Jared: Well, the first time it was a sneak attack. The guy has magic powers - and he has a fist. It's like - bother! Seriously!

Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask does want the Crystal! He's been searching for it to find his lost memories! And he's been searching for it all this time alone with no one to help him!

Jared (face in hands): WHY ARE YOU BLABBING? Blah-blah-blah-blah... I'm a little annoyed at her at the moment. The first time she got caught by him - okay. But - again? Right after Tuxedo Mask punches Zoicite to get you away - and you can't even stay away? For five seconds??

Suffice it to say, Jared is kind of frustrated right now.

Tuxedo Mask: Usako, you're what I want.

Sailor Moon: Oh, Mamo!

Jared: CODENAMES! Secret identities! It's important!

He's kind of taking this personally right now.

By now, Zoicite's had it with this flirting and sappy-mushy stuff. And he means BUSINESS.

Zoicite: Enough of this!

Jared: Wait, what? Okay, you're free. Now RUN! Do something!

Zoicite: Once you're out of the way, I can take the Legendary Silver Crystal.


I feel like the Grandfather in "The Princess Bride." I have a boy who is very worked up over a story and he might need a break.

Sailor Moon: NOOOOOOO!!

Jared: That would have been a good time for her whole "sonic" thing to manifest and shatter it. But, whatever.

Missed opportunities.

Fear not - for Mysterious Stranger #2 chooses NOW to make her grand appearance.

Jared: It's Miss "Three, Sir, Three!" Herself! But five is right out.

Sailor Moon: Is it possible that she's ... Sailor V?

Jared: Is it possible that she's anyone else? It's not exactly common.

Jared: Pah, pah, pah - get this hair out of my face.

And on that note, we wait until next time.


Next Time: Episode 8 - Minako, Sailor V

Previously: Episode 6 - Tuxedo Mask

No comments:

Post a Comment