Wednesday, December 12, 2012

In the Mood to Poke the Bear...

I'm in a snarky mood today and I felt like doing some bear-poking.  And my brain provided material for something I've wanted to address for a long time.  Today's Topic of Rage - Weddings and the Bridezillas Who Plan Them.

This'll be FUN! (image from
Oh, the dreaded Bridezilla! (TV Tropes link - beware! This is a good one too)  I had a clip from the actual "Bridezilla" show that I was going to link to, but Dear Sweet Gallifrey - even a minute and a half clip was too much to handle.  Spoiled rotten little girls whose entire lives come down to one all-day party?  Give me a freaking break.

(Actually, these would be the same bratty girls who, in high school, had to have the Prom all perfect and gorgeous and if they didn't get it, it was the END OF THE WORLD!!)

Yeah, I don't get it either
Now, this rant is NOT directed at anyone in particular.  In fact, it was not prompted by any kind of discussion, conversation, posting, comment, video clip, sound bite or even Pinterest image (wouldn't be caught dead with one of those).  And (because I know my dad is reading this and he'll take it COMPLETELY the wrong way - see my April Fools' Day joke from this year) it certainly didn't come from any sudden and surprising developments in my life, that's for damn sure.  This came about because my brain has a file of Things to Think About When I'm Trying Not to Think About Anything and it popped up.

During my junior year of college, I went to class one day and saw the girl I usually sat next to had a pile of bridal magazines on her desk and there were a bunch of other girls huddled around her desk. I sat down and the girls started showing me their favorites and I just nodded and said “That’s nice,” as though speaking to a cat who has brought me a dead mouse in order to receive praise. Sensing my disinterest, one of the girls asked me, “Well, what do you want at your wedding?” I told her I’d never thought about it.

The girl that I usually sat next to snorted “Every girl has her wedding planned out by the time she’s five years old!”

That is the mentality I’d like to tackle right now.  Not even tackle - I want to beat the ever-loving snot out of it, staple it to the racetrack at the Indy 500, throw it in a cage of rabid rottweilers, run it through a woodchipper and toss it in front of the Running of the Bulls in Spain.

(Barring that, I'd be okay with siccing the Mythbusters on it.)

Now, I'm not opposed to marriage.  I like it when people get married.  Generally speaking, people get married because they're in love and it's a happy occasion.  The world could use more happy.  I would like to get married myself one day (I'd also like to find a passage to Narnia through the back of my closet).  It's the wedding I have issues with.  Specifically, planning a wedding and all the utter and complete bullshit that goes into it.

To understand some of where I'm coming from on this, I have a few things to share -

1 - I'm LDS (Mormon).  For me, the goal is to be married in a sacred and special ceremony in the temple.  The temple marriage ceremony is presided over by someone worthy to hold God's priesthood (more on temples and temple ordinances can be found here).  The ceremony is performed in a small-to-medium sized room in the temple and you can invite a few of your close family members and friends to witness it (not the whole freaking world).  To me, that is what a wedding should be - the focus is on the commitment between the man and woman getting married and their commitment to God and to their future children.  The ceremony is done in 45 minutes, tops.  Anything after that (reception, pictures, dinner, honeymoon) is purely up to you and takes place away from the temple grounds.

2 - When I was little, my mother often talked about her wedding and how it was a much bigger affair than she really wanted. She didn’t want the Bridezilla wedding - she would have much rather had a nice honeymoon or saved the money for a house payment. However, my grandmother (for the record - my dad’s mother, dead these 13 years, rest her soul) had to give her youngest son this big blowout wedding (funnily enough, my mom’s mother didn’t care very much). Honestly, I don’t think it was for either of my parents so much as it was for my grandmother’s desire to show off for the rest of the town - they lived in a small town where it mattered very much the amount of money and prestige and spirituality you possessed.  It was all about showing off for everyone else, like a lot of communities, but this place was Keeping Up With The Joneses x-A-Million (that town was - and still is - a blight on humanity. It would not bother me in the slightest if tomorrow that place was hit by a meteor and blown to smithereens). So, growing up, I heard about how much money was spent on that wedding and the reception and how frivolous it was and why on earth would any sane individual do that?

If the temple ceremony wasn’t so important to me, I would set aside $300 right now for a chapel in Vegas.  Actually, the temple itself would probably even be cheaper than that (it's free to reserve a date at any temple you choose).  I don’t want a freaking huge reception.  I don’t want to spend time and money picking out colors and food and treats for all these people that I don’t even know to come gawk at me.  Hell, I don’t even want to spend time and money on a wedding dress!  Those bridal dress companies are the biggest racket in all of creation and I just don’t want to deal with them.  You spend a boatload of money on a dress you wear once for pictures (that cost you even more money) and once for the ceremony and then it goes on the languish in the closet for eternity.

Really, the only reason to have any of that bullshit is to get gifts.  Here’s this - I’ll put an announcement in the paper and you can put money in our online registry and we can pick out what we want.  Or send us a card with a check in it.  You can be happy for us from where you stand and we won't be punished with your presence, nor will I have to rent a chocolate fountain or ice sculpture swans (Swans? Really?)  Now that I think of it, I could probably take the money I would save by not having a reception and buy all the toasters and punch bowls and fancy dinnerware that people would have given me.  Plus, I would be saved the embarrassment of meeting all the long-lost relatives that I am perfectly happy with staying long-lost (everyone has Those Crazy Relatives, but there are some relations that I don't want on the same continent as me).

And if parents/in-laws get their panties in a wad over this - here’s this to consider: IT’S NOT YOUR DAMN WEDDING!!  You already had your day in the sun - it’s our turn (meaning me and my fiance.  And if tradition holds, the groom very rarely cares about anything other than the honeymoon, so it’s really the bride’s decision).  You had your day to roll everything up in lace and frosting and show off to the world how broke you’re going to be as you start your married life - now let me have my day of happiness and joy without a bunch of crazy old people breathing down my neck.  There will be no bouquet tossing, garter-throwing, cake-in-the-face-stuffing, drunken best man toast, snotty bridesmaids and the starting fullback from Dad’s high school football team is NOT coming!  I don’t care how hurt he’ll be - I don’t even know the guy!  I may send out a few announcements, but these will be to the few people who are invited to the temple ceremony.  Maybe we’ll have a dinner afterwards at a nice restaurant.  But we don’t need this huge-ass party where I stand in line for three hours and meet people I probably hate and would never care to see again (and where some drunk-ass punk stands out in the church parking lot with a cooler full of Keystone and attracts all the frat-boys. No thank you).

The most important thing about a wedding is the bride and groom and this should be about them.  They are starting a life and a family together and THAT should be the focus. I’ve always hated the notion that a wedding is all about the bride.  She wouldn’t even be having the stupid party if her boyfriend didn’t ask her to marry him (then again, there are some girls that just want to put on a party that’s all about ME! ME! ME! so maybe she actually browbeat the poor guy into dropping $20K on a diamond for her.  Like he hasn’t already spent a mint on dinners and movies and crap for her).

That's about right.
Personally, I would hope that I love the guy enough that I don’t need a big to-do over it.  I’d just want to get married and take a nice trip that’s just about us.  Disneyland would be fun - we could get those bride and groom Mickey ears and complete strangers could goo-goo at us from afar.  I’d be okay with that - I know I’d never see those strangers again and I wouldn’t have to pretend to know them in the first place and I could accept their well-wishes as more heartfelt than those of that stupid friend of my dad’s that I ardently avoid answering the phone when he (the friend) calls.

Bottom Line: Weddings - Hate Them.  Don’t even want to plan my own.  Don’t want anyone else to plan it for me.  Let’s just book the temple, invite a few close family and friends, maybe have a nice dinner for the people who came and then we can fly to Disneyland for a honeymoon. Done and done (hm... maybe I should take back what I said about not wanting to plan my wedding - that was actually pretty easy!)

No comments:

Post a Comment