Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Persephone Marries Hades and Other Unfortunate Truths

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time Episode 5.14 "The Devil's Due" - SPOILERS
Look, I'm no pearl-clutching 90s-era-Hillary-Clinton "FOR THE CHILDRENS!" parental advisory concern-troll looking to get in the way of people's fun.

But Title Card People, I must ask -

Really? REALLY? Family show, guys. Family. Show.

Anyway - to the meat of this episode:

Well, yes - we'll get to that. Emma finds Hook (she will always find him). And all the requisite drama that goes with it. Drama dictates that my darlings cannot yet be happy. Boo.

Though I have to say - I'm pleased that Team Writers Room learned from the mistakes of Neverland. Don't drag out the #Save[Character] plotline out until your audience is ready to gouge their eyes out with rusty sporks. So, credit where credit is due.

My focus here for a moment is going to be - not on my most favorite fictional couple of the hour - but on an ancillary character vital to the entire Captain Swan storyline. Though it's not someone we often think about very much. Yes, folks - I'm talking about the Lady Milah.

(I know she doesn't have a formal title as such - but given the crap she's been though, I think she deserves one).

That's it. That's the show.
This could quite possibly have been the most awkward meeting of past and present ever. Milah and Emma meeting. Hook's former girlfriend (on account of she's dead) and his current True Love.

And... it wasn't. I mean, yes there was that moment where Milah plays the part of Everyone Who Isn't In The Once Fandom (don't look too closely at the relationships in this show) - but that was the end of it. Kind of like Milah understands Killian (she never knew him as Hook) - that he would move on and find love after her death. That's just the kind of man he is. And Milah - to her everlasting credit - understands that. She and Emma become almost-instant friends. She helps Emma (and Rumple) on the quest to #SaveHook. And she's pretty damn badass about it too.

Can we just trade Rumple for Milah? No, I'm 100% serious. Hades wants to trade - I will happily swap out Milah and send Rumple up the Fallout-nuclear-green River of Lost Souls.

But no, Rumple even has to eff that up. Because, Rumple. He's been effing things up even before he became the Dark One. To the point where he wasn't just a cowardly-deadbeat-good-for-nothing husband and father, he even sold out part of Milah's future happiness just to save his own bacon.

I had some understanding of why Milah left Rumple before. But after this episode - I would have been helping her pack her bags and sending her on her merry way. The only thing I would have encouraged her to do differently was to take Baelfire with her (discounting the Once storylines that would irrevocably muss up).

Was Milah a good person? HA! Are you kidding? She would have killed a man in order to steal a potion to save her son. But still - her character makes sense. It's understandable that she would do those things. Quite honestly, she's become one of my favorite side characters. And she's only ever been in a handful of episodes! But she has the same kind of appeal that Regina does - someone whose done evil things, but wants to change and make up for it.

And how does Rumple repay Milah's redemption?

Excuse me - things are about to get crass here. Please remove all small children and dogs from the room.

Okay - you good?

Rumplestiltskin can go have sex with himself.

Phew - that's that.

Oh, and by the way - here's yet another unnecessary plot-twist-background-thing for Rumple. Because, you know, we aren't pissed off enough at him as it is.

(Though I must give TPTB some credit - at least they're trying to get Belle into the mix with this one. And write Emilie de Ravin's pregnancy into the story. So, there's that.)

Basically, I hate Rumple. I hate that he still has to be part of this story. I hate that he has zero character development. I also hate that he has become a necessary evil character, because all the other evil characters have been redeemed. And there still has to be that ONE little turd floating in the swimming pool.

Blah. Why?

Anyway - some good news: Emma and Killian have been reunited! Rumple lied out of his grimy little teeth about what he did to Milah and Killian - being the honorable man he is - thanked Rumple for... I dunno, being Rumple, I guess. I'm chalking that one up to Killian having been tortured for many long weeks at Hades' behest.

Eh, whatever - now Emma can split her heart and save Hook...

...or not.

Convenient plot contrivance, ahoy!

Next Week: The Return of Liam Jones! Killian to be reunited with his awesome and lovely and adorable long-dead brother! HUZZAH! Emma and Milah meeting went all right (Rumple, notwithstanding), so this should be just as good, right? I love this plan! REJOICE FANDOM!!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME ONCE UPON A TIME?? Liam has to like Emma! They have to get along! They're going to be family! YOU CAN'T DO THIS I WON'T STAND FOR IT!

I hate this damn show. I couldn't live without it.

(I could live without the constant Rumple angst, though).

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