Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time Episode 6.13 "Ill-Boding Patterns" - SPOILERS!

I forget - which Rumple are we dealing with again? The guy is so two-, three-, and four-faced that I have a hard time keeping track what's going on sometimes.

I still have no idea what Gideon's plan is or even... why. I mean, I can understand why the Black Fairy would want Emma dead and out of the way (villains' motivations aren't that difficult to decipher, especially when it comes to disposing of the heroes). But Gideon's plan makes absolutely no sense. At all.

Perhaps if we knew what kind of trouble "his people" were in or even who these people are. Does it never occur to anyone to, you know, ask for help?

And since when did Savior magic operate the same way as Dark One magic does? That is, you kill the Savior or Dark One and then you get the magic. That's never been established and it's strange that we're operating under the assumption that it's verifiable fact.

Or, at least, letting Gideon operate under that assumption. I mean, if he REALLY wanted to be all diabolical, he'd kill Rumple and steal his Dark One powers.

Maybe that's what the Black Fairy meant and Gideon got it wrong? Wouldn't surprise me. Gideon really hasn't proven himself to be a mental powerhouse, after all.

Anyway - Rumple's second son's confusion aside, I quite liked this episode. They certainly played fast and loose with the timelines, though. How long did the First Ogres War last, anyway? Long enough for pre-Dark-One-Rumple to join the army against the ogres, maim himself to avoid going to battle, come home to his wife and infant son, his infant son grows up, his wife leaves him for an adventuring pirate, he becomes the Dark One, his son gets older, he becomes known for his dark magic rather than being the village coward...

Yeah, that was a LONG war.

I did like the nuances in Baelfire's character, however. That he wasn't always opposed to his father's use of dark magic and even went so far as to indulge in a bit of darkness himself. And then Rumple does the whole "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" thing to preserve Baelfire's innocence, even if it meant alienating Baelfire further (and we all know how THAT turned out).

I'm finding it hard to be pissed off at Rumple. Even though he's unapologetic about his addiction to dark magic, his desire to keep it for himself does come from a place (in part) of not wanting it to taint those closest to him. Only problem is that by hoarding it for himself, he continues to push his loved ones further and further away. Though Gideon did seem sufficiently impressed by it.

Maybe Gideon is finally the son that Rumple deserves. And no, I'm not comfortable saying so.

Poor Belle.

Other things:

- The actor that plays Beowulf was fantastic. Though he did have that crazy-eye thing going for him (maybe it was the angle they had to film him, since he was so insanely tall?)

- Archie Hopper... *shakes head* he tries so hard for all these Storybrooke weirdos (and I mean that in the most affectionate way).

- I completely forgotten that they'd turned the Evil Queen into a cobra. This whole time, I could not remember for the life of me where she ended up. I knew they hadn't gotten rid of her completely. I figured that she had slunk off to some cupboard that the Writers Room had all nice and comfy for her until they got sick of Lana Parrilla not sneering at everybody.

- Sooooo... it's Evil!Robin and the Evil Queen, huh? What is this ship, Dark Outlaw Queen? Though... after seeing Sean Maguire at Salt Lake Comic Con FanX this past weekend, and given a few things he hinted at during that panel - I'm rather intrigued to see this villainous side of Robin Hood. And - after that little taste of Zelena and Hades last season (Wicked Hell), I wouldn't say no to having a purely evil ship on this show. Kind of mixes things up. And, I guess (if we have to) - it makes for a pretty strong break from the Outlaw Queen ship that we came to know and love over previous seasons.

Still don't have to like that part, though.

- Last, but certainly not least - Captain Swan is getting married! YAAAAAAAY!!



But of course, we have to insert HIGH DRAMA in all this nonsense. Because though Killian is wracked with guilt that he really shouldn't be (dammit, Pinocchio!!) and he wants to come clean to Emma and David and everyone in the Charming family. The whole time Hook was telling Archie that he could just keep the secret and take it to his grave, I was screaming at the TV - "Yes! Do that! No reason to bring it up at all!"

I mean, all that drama with Charming's dad was dealt with so perfectly in the last episode - as well as in prior episodes. The family has grieved the tragedy and they've moved on, as is healthy and natural. Beyond just keeping the secret in order to stay in David's good graces, why would you want to rip open that healed wound again? It would be kinder not to say anything.

Leave the issue alone, have a wedding, celebrate the future, and let the ghosts of the past bury themselves. Stop picking at those old scars, for the love of Pete!

(I know - that's too much to ask from this damn show.)

Next Time -



Sigh... I know an OUAT over-promise when I see one. I don't really have high hopes for this big "showdown" between Regina and Queenie.

But if it FINALLY means the end of the Evil Queen, I will gladly take it.

Even The Devil Gets His Due

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time Episode 6.09 "Changelings" - SPOILERS!

It's weird, but the Rumple/Belle episodes this season are the ones that I've kind of been the most interested in. Maybe the OUAT Writers Room finally realized that they were stuck in the same place that Domino's Pizza was some years ago. You may remember a time when Domino's was glorified cardboard and their service sucked and they were consistently rated the Absolute Worst.

But roughly around 2010, the company CEO decided "Hey, we're tired of sucking - let's fix things!" So they overhauled the pizza recipe, fixed the menu, honestly listened to their customers, retooled their marketing strategy - and now, they're one of the best pizza delivery chains in the country.

I think a similar thing has happened with Rumple and Belle. The OUAT Team thought "Hey, we're tired of these two being boring (at best) and frustratingly stupid (at worst). We're tired of this storyline alienating people. Let's do something with them that actually makes sense!"

And that's how you get episodes like "Changelings."

The dumb thing is that they already had all the tools necessary to make this work. Robert Carlyle is ALWAYS brilliant as Rumple, no matter what utter shite the writers give him to work with. Emilie de Ravin has done what she could with what little she was given as Belle, but now she gets to shine. She actually gets to be MORE than the mousy little bookworm that Team Charming runs to when they need research. She gets to be MORE than Rumple's long-suffering wife and conscience. She actually gets to be her own person, with her own thoughts and choices and personality. She's not just a lawn ornament shoved in the back of Rumple's store for once.

I like this new version of Belle. She's fierce and fun!

Last season, we had that episode that apparently got me into huge trouble with the Rumbelle shippers on Tumblr (oh, woe. Whatever shall I do?) They all freaked out because I said that Rumple was an abusive prick and Belle was never going to get her Happy Ending - she's the equivalent of the beaten wife who keeps going back for more.

(I stand by that statement as made at the time, just FYI. And I wasn't even upset by the precious little snowflakes having their temper tantrums either. It was more amusing than anything. I just hope they finally got their afternoon naps and diaper changes and stopped being so grumpy.)

But what has happened in the show is what I was saying with my Domino's Pizza analogy. The writers figured out they had a HUGE problem with Belle, but now they're working to fix it. So Belle has FINALLY realized that she's never going to be happy with Rumple. He's never going to change, he's never going to give up his dark magic, he's never going to stop being manipulative, and he's never going to stop being a beast. And she can't live like this. Not if she was to be happy and fulfilled in life. So, she takes matters into her own hands. She decides to send baby Gideon (after her pregnancy is accelerated by Rumple The Evil Queen) off with the Blue Fairy to a place that Belle doesn't even know.

Of course Rumple's pissed. And you know - he DESERVES to be. He deserves to be outwitted and outmatched by Belle. He's meddled in other people's lives and twisted their desires and screwed with so many things that it's finally his turn to get his comeuppance. Who better to do it than the woman he claims to love, but refuses to give up his destructive lifestyle to show it?

Bravo, Belle. Bra-freaking-vo.

It's about bloody time!

And next time - we get Princess Emma Swan!



I am intrigued. Tell me more.

Cupid Works For The Devil

Recap/Review of Once Upon a Time Episode 5.17 Her Handsome Hero - SPOILERS!

What Could Have Been... (had Gaston turned out to be an okay guy, that is)

...sigh...

I have a feeling this is the song that OUAT Writers' Room plays when they're working on Rumbelle episodes -



Tell me where I'm wrong. Because from where I'm sitting, OUAT!Belle is an idiot. A certifiable dunce.

I mean, I had my suspicions before. I thought that maaaaaaybe the writers had something in mind for her. That her character could be salvaged and she'd have a good character arc. But this episode confirmed the worst. She's just bone-headed stupid.

Actually - that's not really fair. She's more of a cautionary tale. An example of what happens when you think you can change bad people for the better. That the wide-eyed, innocent, hopeful pure true love soaked in unicorns and rainbows and sparkly fairy dust will turn even the evilest rat bastard piece of shit jackass into a honorable man.

Nope. Not even. All that's missing is Rumplestiltskin in a wife-beater tank top and the run-down double-wide trailer, and you would have every beat-down barefoot-and-pregnant woman I knew in the white trash town I grew up in. All the while, insisting that "Oh, he'll change. He'll be better." And the sum'bitch never does. He just stumbles into the house at some godforsaken hour of the morning, drunk as a dog.

The only purpose the flashbacks serve is to show that Belle was this dumb from the beginning. She trusted Gaston, despite everything she'd been told about him. But all he had to do was flash his "aw, shucks" sad little smile and she thought he was this honorable hero underneath his crappy reputation.

But nope - he's just as bad as they say. But Belle is in the impossible position of having to marry the guy so she can save her kingdom. And that worked SO WELL, that Belle then (covered back in Season 1), has to give herself up to Rumplestiltskin so he can save her kingdom from the ogres.

Moral of the Story: Not everyone gets to be Snow White and Prince Charming. Not everyone gets a Happily Ever After.

Instead of the fairy tale ending, Belle gets the "Girlfriend Of The Villain" treatment. She's the naive stupid idiot who falls for the criminal who's on parole for armed robbery (or whatever) and she helps him with this "One Last Job," but then she ends up with her life ruined. She never meant to hurt anybody - it just happened. Because she looooooves him. Merlin knows why.

And here is the most insulting part about the whole thing: the Underworld arc has already introduced an unapologetic villainous True Love Couple. We have Hades and Zelena (or as I've taken to calling him, Wicked Hell) who are just happy as can be in their dead and decaying "Underbrooke." They want to make people suffer - but they want to do it together. And, I'll be honest, I'm surprised at how awesome I think that is. Like I said last week, it's refreshing to have a villain (or villains) be evil for the sake of being evil. Not everything has to be explained - and even if it is, the villain just doesn't care. Their morals are GONE. They live solely to make life hell for the heroes.

Rumple used to be on the road to redemption, but his stint as being a Sans-Darkness-Dark-One has transformed him into a full-on Dark One. He's done playacting for Belle. He's fully committed to the darkness. And she still thinks she can love that asshole. So - why not just make Belle the Harley Quinn to his Joker? (Actually - now that I think of it, that's EXACTLY what's happening here! The Joker never actually loved Harley, did he? She just loved him, right? Please correct me if necessary - I'm not up on my DC Comics lore).

At this point, it might be better if Belle's baby ended up with Hades after all. At least the kid would have a father-figure-type mentor who's honest about his evilness. And if Zelena's raising the kid too, then there's less of a chance that they'd be confused as to whose morals they should follow. Yay for a happy villain family!

Ugh - I can't even do a "Things I Liked" section. Hook is concerned that Emma isn't getting enough sleep. Surprise!Ruby. And - that's it. This episode can go rot, honestly.

Next week - well, Dorothy is back. In her pseudo-badass-warrior-princess "Strong Female Character(tm)" motif that's virtually indistinguishable from all the other "Strong Female Characters(tm)" in this show (well, the secondary ones, at least).



Still wish they'd done Ozma or Tik Tok. That's all I'm sayin'

Persephone Marries Hades and Other Unfortunate Truths

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time Episode 5.14 "The Devil's Due" - SPOILERS

THEY LOOK SO HAPPY WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO RUIN THAT???

Look, I'm no pearl-clutching 90s-era-Hillary-Clinton "FOR THE CHILDRENS!" parental advisory concern-troll looking to get in the way of people's fun.

But Title Card People, I must ask -

Really? REALLY? Family show, guys. Family. Show.

Anyway - to the meat of this episode:

Well, yes - we'll get to that. Emma finds Hook (she will always find him). And all the requisite drama that goes with it. Drama dictates that my darlings cannot yet be happy. Boo.

Though I have to say - I'm pleased that Team Writers Room learned from the mistakes of Neverland. Don't drag out the #Save[Character] plotline out until your audience is ready to gouge their eyes out with rusty sporks. So, credit where credit is due.

My focus here for a moment is going to be - not on my most favorite fictional couple of the hour - but on an ancillary character vital to the entire Captain Swan storyline. Though it's not someone we often think about very much. Yes, folks - I'm talking about the Lady Milah.

(I know she doesn't have a formal title as such - but given the crap she's been though, I think she deserves one).

That's it. That's the show.

This could quite possibly have been the most awkward meeting of past and present ever. Milah and Emma meeting. Hook's former girlfriend (on account of she's dead) and his current True Love.

And... it wasn't. I mean, yes there was that moment where Milah plays the part of Everyone Who Isn't In The Once Fandom (don't look too closely at the relationships in this show) - but that was the end of it. Kind of like Milah understands Killian (she never knew him as Hook) - that he would move on and find love after her death. That's just the kind of man he is. And Milah - to her everlasting credit - understands that. She and Emma become almost-instant friends. She helps Emma (and Rumple) on the quest to #SaveHook. And she's pretty damn badass about it too.

Can we just trade Rumple for Milah? No, I'm 100% serious. Hades wants to trade - I will happily swap out Milah and send Rumple up the Fallout-nuclear-green River of Lost Souls.

But no, Rumple even has to eff that up. Because, Rumple. He's been effing things up even before he became the Dark One. To the point where he wasn't just a cowardly-deadbeat-good-for-nothing husband and father, he even sold out part of Milah's future happiness just to save his own bacon.

I had some understanding of why Milah left Rumple before. But after this episode - I would have been helping her pack her bags and sending her on her merry way. The only thing I would have encouraged her to do differently was to take Baelfire with her (discounting the Once storylines that would irrevocably muss up).

Was Milah a good person? HA! Are you kidding? She would have killed a man in order to steal a potion to save her son. But still - her character makes sense. It's understandable that she would do those things. Quite honestly, she's become one of my favorite side characters. And she's only ever been in a handful of episodes! But she has the same kind of appeal that Regina does - someone whose done evil things, but wants to change and make up for it.

And how does Rumple repay Milah's redemption?

Excuse me - things are about to get crass here. Please remove all small children and dogs from the room.

Okay - you good?

Rumplestiltskin can go have sex with himself.

Phew - that's that.

Oh, and by the way - here's yet another unnecessary plot-twist-background-thing for Rumple. Because, you know, we aren't pissed off enough at him as it is.

(Though I must give TPTB some credit - at least they're trying to get Belle into the mix with this one. And write Emilie de Ravin's pregnancy into the story. So, there's that.)

Basically, I hate Rumple. I hate that he still has to be part of this story. I hate that he has zero character development. I also hate that he has become a necessary evil character, because all the other evil characters have been redeemed. And there still has to be that ONE little turd floating in the swimming pool.

Blah. Why?

Anyway - some good news: Emma and Killian have been reunited! Rumple lied out of his grimy little teeth about what he did to Milah and Killian - being the honorable man he is - thanked Rumple for... I dunno, being Rumple, I guess. I'm chalking that one up to Killian having been tortured for many long weeks at Hades' behest.

Eh, whatever - now Emma can split her heart and save Hook...

...or not.

Convenient plot contrivance, ahoy!

Next Week: The Return of Liam Jones! Killian to be reunited with his awesome and lovely and adorable long-dead brother! HUZZAH! Emma and Milah meeting went all right (Rumple, notwithstanding), so this should be just as good, right? I love this plan! REJOICE FANDOM!!

Except...



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME ONCE UPON A TIME?? Liam has to like Emma! They have to get along! They're going to be family! YOU CAN'T DO THIS I WON'T STAND FOR IT!

I hate this damn show. I couldn't live without it.

(I could live without the constant Rumple angst, though).