Friday, May 2, 2014

The Fun Police

This comes from a combination of too many fellow fans whining online and... nope, that's all it was. Too many fellow fans whining online made this thing happen. I got ticked off (moreso that usual) and this song is the result.

A little background - every year, my mom's family plan a big reunion. And nearly every year, one (or more) of the relatives has to bring up some insignificant issue that the ENTIRE WORLD must hear about. Ad nauseum. This carping and complaining leads to precisely NO ONE having any fun and often ruins a perfectly good family outing. After the first two or three instances of this happening, my dad starting calling these family members "The Fun Police" because no matter how hard most of us tried to have fun, one of these individuals would swoop in and make sure that fun was very short lived (we eventually stopped inviting them to things and we enjoy ourselves more now). Dad even went so far as to try to rewrite the lyrics to Cheap Trick's "The Dream Police" (it was a half-hearted attempt at an inside joke, but still quite funny).

With this, I'm taking a page out of my dear old dad's book and writing a tribute (of sorts) to the malcontents of fandom - from the grief they give fellow fans to the utter pains-in-the-ass they are even to those who create the media that they supposedly love. Granted my lyrics are a little clunky in places and it likely won't change anything or do any good, but in the words of Captain Jack Sparrow when he tried shooting the undead monkey, it does me.

The Fun Police
(to the tune of "The Dream Police" by Cheap Trick)

The Fun Police whine on Twitter all night
The Fun Police tell the fans what to like
The Fun Police are coming to nitpick you, oh no

You know their talk is cheap
And their complaints annoy me
If I say what I like
They'll hate it just to be contrary, contrary

'Cause they'll pick it apart
They'll trash it to bits
No fandom is safe
They love to call me crazy
And all showrunners lazy

The Fun Police climb upon soapboxes
The Fun Police mark all the right boxes
The Fun Police, make your show say what they want, oh yes

I won't tell you lies
Better give what they ask for
And if you don't
They'll call you mean names on Tumblr, Tumblr

'Cause they're waiting for you
They're looking for you
To screw everything up
They must really love this show
Only real fans hate on it so

I watch a show, I read a book, they won't let me alone
I love a story, like an actor, they won't let me alone
Until all my fun's gone and dead, they won't let me alone
For all fandom, they're the judge and jury all in one

'Cause they're waiting for me
They're looking for me
To just have some fun
They love to ruin ev'rything
Take out the fun fandom brings

The Fun Police tell us how we're all wrong
The Fun Police order creators around
The Fun Police they're coming to arrest us
The Fun Police (repeat a lot)

(if you actually laughed at this, you know what kind of fan you are)

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