Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sweet, Innocent and Vomit-Inducing

LOGAN, UT - 5: 00 PM: I woke up this morning and it hit me: I'm back in the singles ward scene.

I immediately rolled over and pulled the covers back over my head and only just woke up.

Kidding - kidding - I made it to church today. Granted, I am living on campus of a fine institution of higher learning, so most - if not all - members of the ward are college students (that brings its own set of issues). Thus, the student-singles ward is a beast of necessity because, let's face it - the good LDS citizens of Logan, Utah are not going to share a ward with a bunch of hormonal young people out on their own, many for the first time. There are too many or them and there's too much of an insurance liability.

To be fair, I am living in the on-campus dorms for grad students. Most of the grad students in Aggie Village are international students that come from countries where the only god they recognize is the local dictator. And if someone is LDS, they're most likely married. Total single LDS folk in this complex: 11 (the bishop counted them). Across the street are the dorms that mostly freshmen occupy, so they put us poor schlubs from Aggie Village in a ward where most of the kids are 18 or thereabouts.

Now, I don't know how the singles wards work outside of Utah (I never got to serve in the campus ward in Gainesville), but I am not a fan. For the pure and simple fact that - well, let me illustrate with our Relief Society lesson today. All about modesty and wearing our clothes appropriately so the poor, defenseless boys don't get the idea that we're all sleazy bimbos and, hence, undateable (or worse, will put a mission out of their collective reach - I'd guess that about half these guys haven't even left yet).

(Yes, undateable is a word. I made it up, so it exists).

And the teacher - bless her heart, her husband is in the bishopric and she got this job since we have no RS teachers yet - kept telling us all "You're all about 18, but you look so bright and... etc..." In my head, I couldn't help but think - "Yeah - I'm 18 ... give or take six years, a college degree, plus a mission..."

On my mission, Relief Society was my favorite part of the block for some reason I haven't pinned down yet. Maybe it's because the wards I served in had Relief Society at the end of the three hour block, so our investigators were a bit more comfortable by the time it rolled around. Or maybe it was because all those motherly-type sisters were just so fun to be around (I figure that term "motherly" had something to do with it too). And we had actual, doctrinal lessons. None of this stuff about "Wear nice clothes so you don't look like a piece of meat and the dogs won't be snarling at your heels - but we can get you sweet, dense girlies all married off by the end of the school year - preferably to someone 10 years older than you."

(I added that part about the "10 years older" - but that's another topic. It'll come up, trust me. Now I know why so many LDS girls are idiots...)

[If you're one of those types - like me - that grinds your teeth whenever some bright-eyed idealist prefaces a sentence with "On my mission..." deal with it. I haven't even been home a transfer. I had to suffer through other people's reminiscing and I deserve the same courtesy.]

On the other hand, Sunday School was pretty good. The girls actually do put on an intelligent showing. Whether it's because they really know the material or they're just trying to impress somebody doesn't matter much to me. As long as the conversation is stimulating.

Bottom Line: They need a student ward for grad students. Preferably with some mature, committed young men (ha - funny. They're all married...)

Whenever I get feeling lonely and blah - like "Hey, I want to go on a date," or something to that effect, I just have to remember - is there anyone around here that I want to date? Then, I happily settle down and enjoy my "24" DVDs (I have 8 episodes left of season 7 - SPOILERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT!!).

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