Everyone get their food storage ready and hunker down in the bomb shelters. We urge to you to hoard food and steal gas. If you are an elderly American, you will not survive. Take to the streets, everyone. Pack up the SUV and cash in your life savings for gold bars! Calling Nicolas Cage!
The end of the world is coming. No, the Detroit Lions did not win a Super Bowl. Although that could be very possible now that this has happened:
I've been asked out on a date.
Start praying. Now. I'm serious - this is not a drill.