It's All Over But The Crying

Review/Recap of Once Upon a Time Episode 5.19  "Sisters" - SPOILERS!

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought of the Fallout 4 soundtrack when Hades played "I Don't Want To Set The World on Fire" on his little date with Zelena. Then again, Underbrooke would probably fit in nicely with a nuclear post-apocalyptic setting. I get the feeling Hades would enjoy that, honestly.



Where oh where to begin with this episode? For one thing, I'm glad that the Once writers room got their social justice pandering bullshit out of their systems last week and got back to good storytelling with interesting characters and plot-points, rather than trying to appease the Twitter and Tumblr trolls that have done their damnedest to make fandom life as hellish as possible (no pun intended - that was an accident). Storytelling works MUCH better when you're not trying to push some overt virtue-signaling message - that "Hey, we're TOTES NOT homophobic, so don't get mad at us, pretty please???" (You're fooling no one, guys.)

For another - wow. A Cora-centric episode that I actually enjoyed! If next week's episode doesn't involve Underbrooke getting slammed with a monster blizzard, there is something INCREDIBLY wrong with the world (maybe Elsa will make a cameo appearance in the mission to defeat Hades and freeze his living room).

I said since the beginning of the Underworld storyline that I would LOVE to have Zelena and Cora meet and their meeting did NOT disappoint. I was a bit worried that they would unnecessarily compromise one or both of those characters' fundamental qualities in order to get some half-assed, shoehorned-in happy ending that doesn't make a damn bit of sense - but no. They didn't. Not at all. They played with Zelena's tragic backstory and Cora's ruthlessness - coupled with the idea that people in the Underworld have unfinished business, as well as Hades shoving Cora back into her role as a poor miller's daughter (that was the key touch to this, I think) - and came to a satisfying conclusion.

Applause, OUAT Writers' Room. Mucho Applause.

Even the flashback stuff worked in this case. Sometimes, it can feel forced and stupid. And on paper, this episode's flashback probably would have sounded absolutely idiotic. But the way it was presented - I can TOTALLY buy that tiny!Regina would poke around her mother's magical objects and there would be an accident. And I can TOTALLY buy that Cora would go find tiny!Zelena to make Regina better. Even the whole "Surprise Sister!" discovery thing was done surprisingly well.

Everything worked. None of the characters' backgrounds were sacrificed to make things work - Cora actually seemed like she had a genuine change of heart. I think her initial trickery made a good contrast for when she came clean and actually leveled with Zelena about abandoning her in the woods. Regina's redemption storyline also provided something context to what was going on - that if the Evil Queen could become good again, maybe there's hope for the Wicked Witch (though I still love Zelena's brand of sassiness and attitude - I hope that will continue because I would hate for her to lose that core part of her character).

I'm not quite sure how I feel about "Let's Help The Lord of Death Have a Change of Heart" thing yet. Maybe because it's still early in that plot twist - but this episode made me want to hang with it a bit longer until I have more details (hey - getting rid of Princess Rainbow Sparklepoo actually DID contribute something to moving the plot along! WHOO-HOO!) But I feel like progress was made.

Well, until this little shithead showed up (and his dad) -

Why, when everything seems to be going okay, does Rumple feel the need to show up and muck it all up? Whyyyyyyyyy?

Ugh... whatever.

Oh - and David met his evil twin brother and had an epic fistfight at the docks. Cruella sneered at everybody and buggered off like the weasel she's probably wearing as a scarf. Robin is most likely a dead man walking because of his paternal affection for his Wicked Hood Baby.

NEXT TIME! Oh... oh...crap...



Um... how about no? How about I just stay here and enjoy the Mills women having their tearful happy ending and pretend that Hook and Emma just make it home and move into their new house and get married and have lots of little pirate babies? NO MORE ANGST, PLEASE?

A Lid For Every Pot

Review/Recap of Once Upon A Time Episode 5.16 "Our Decay" - SPOILERS!

Well... Zelena has a true love. Sort of. Who knew?

(Side Note: Why am I not surprised that the Wicked Witch's birthday is Tax Day? I guess giving her Hitler's or Stalin's birthday would have been too on-the-nose.)

This episode gave us more of Zelena's backstory - which I never will say no to. It also gave us more of Oz, which - YES PLEASE! *grabby hands* Though... I'm not sure that I really like bringing Dorothy back to be a pseudo-Snow-White-Strong-Female-Character(tm) expy. Feels cheap and gimmicky. Why not bring in Ozma or General Tik-Tok? Or even one of Zelena's former associates from the Sisterhood of Witches? (not Glinda, for obvious continuity reasons. But there were two others). Dorothy's story was ended quite nicely in Season 3. Why stick with the wide-eyed-innocent-turned-Xena weirdness that kind of bothers me about the rewrite of Snow White?

Sigh... anyway.

Everything else about the Oz parts of the story was pretty good. I will never get over how gorgeous OUAT!Emerald City looks - or the fact that Zelena's made it her base of operations. Also, I was glad that Hades got more to do than be a smarmy ginger dude in a suit who sometimes lights his hair on fire for no good reason. Kind of gave him some more depth to his character. Which I appreciated.

I also appreciated that Zelena - both past and present iterations of her - was hesitant to reciprocate Hades's affections. The first time was because she was obsessed with revenge. The second was because... she just wasn't sure. That's understandable - new/old relationships take time to get used to (and she'd already been through a lot).

But what I ADORE about their relationship (and this will sound strange, but hear me out) was that they're still both unapologetically evil/wicked/villainous. True Love hasn't changed their core roles in the story as adversaries to the heroes. Oh sure, I've enjoyed Regina's and Hook's redemption stories. But I want at least ONE of the villains to stay villainous. And not just stay villainous, but be HONEST in their villainy. Which is why I'm not counting Rumple. He's just an asshole.

So - having a villainous True Love Couple? Sure! Why the heck not? It's new and different and would bring a whole different dimension to the character dynamics the show already has. I'm up for some fun. And they already have their incredibly-crappy kingdom of evil to rule over, so - yay!

Other things I liked:

- Henry as a grumpy teenager who seems to also be speaking for the OUAT Writers Room. Because if I've learned anything about fandom and social media, it's that fans are never satisfied. And, quite honestly, many OUAT fans are a bunch of spoiled brats who want the Writers Room to cater to their stupidly unnecessary fanfic bullcrap. Part of me wonders if that "What - are you all Authors now?" line from Henry wasn't actually Eddy and Adam sending a pointed jab at their detractors who keep telling them how to tell THEIR story (and if it wasn't - well, then I am well-and-truly Over It with regards to the little shitwits of fandom).

- The explanation of why Robin and Regina haven't named Baby Wicked Hood - because there hasn't been time and giving a child a name isn't a good idea when Hades can do awful things with names in the Underworld. That's... actually a really good reason not to name the kid yet. I will accept it. So, hurrah!

- Snow and Charming "haunting" Baby Neal from the Underworld. Yeah... it's cuter when Henry wrote about it in the book.

- I'm holding out hope that Zelena and Cora will come face-to-face in the Underworld. Might seem like that ship has sailed, but I still kind of want it to happen. I will live if it doesn't, though.

I close out with this thought on the Household of Darkness, shall we. 'Cause Belle FINALLY stumbles upon the truth about Rumple (good grief, OUAT!Belle is kind of an idiot. Which I hate to say because Emilie de Ravin does so well with what little she's given. And Belle is one of my favorite Disney princesses). Rumple just basically says "This is who I am, sweetheart. You can either love me or leave me, but I'm not changing." Which is refreshing from the past teary-eyed blubbering "Oh please don't leave me I'll change for realsies this time I promise cross my heart and hope to die.... oh look - another Dark One dagger! Where did THAT come from I wonder?" I'm glad that Belle walked away and was steadfast in her disapproval of what Rumple was doing. My hope is that she finds her spine and she finds a happier ending for herself.

OUAT sure better figure out what they're doing with Belle and Rumple and do it fast. Because if they have me actually CHEERING Gaston next week, there will be words. And none of them very nice.

"Because He's Really, Really, REALLY Bugging Me!"

Recap/Review of Once Upon A Time 5.13 "Labor of Love" - Spoilers!

You know, I had every intention of letting this review series fade away. But then Season 5B happened and... well... I can't let this go to waste.

When last we left Our Intrepid Heroes - Emma did a Kind Of Bad Thing by making Hook into another Dark One, Hook's inherent Darkness resurrected all the Dark Ones from the Beginning Of Time And Beyond. Emma decided to be Self-Sacrificing because her Darkness wasn't all That Bad. But Hook is Better Than All Your Faves and took one for the team because Nimue is a Bad Bad Bitch (but in a delightfully evil way that I shall miss very much indeed). Hook dies in the most heartbreaking terrible way possible. Rumplestiltskin continues to be Very Punchable and reverts to being the Dark One. Belle remains oblivious to Everything In The Entire World. King Arthur is an Ass Of The Highest Degree and I'm glad he kind of dropped off there at The End.

And I abuse my Capitalization Privileges. My blog, my house, my rules.

Anyway, #OnceTurns100 saw a return of Queen Bitch Cora (whoo-freaking-hoo) and the Hansel and Gretel witch and Cruella's car and... that's about it. Oh, and Neal showed up to give Emma a pep talk, because we ALL wanted to see Nealfire again (bleah - at least he wasn't there that long). But Regina's dad FINALLY got some much-needed character development beyond just being the sad little man that gets caught between two snippy witches.

You go, Sir Henry. You go, my fine fellow.

I had more thoughts on "Souls of the Departed," which you can listen to on the Five(ish) Fangirls Podcast, Episode 85 right here.

Which brings us to "Labor of Love." The Hercules episode of this story arc. Because this is Once Upon A Time and it's their take on Greek Mythlogy/Disney's Hercules - so it follows that we only have one episode with the hero of that movie. But the villain from that story gets the spotlight.

Oh - and it's also a "Snow White Gets Her Name Back" thing. Which... ehhhh... was that entirely necessary? I never felt like Snow White=/=Mary Margaret. I just thought it was a dumb way to differentiate when they were in Storybrooke, versus yet-another-pre-curse flashback scene. I mean, the show kept separating Charming and David, Ruby and Red, Archie and Dr. Hopper, Mr. Gold and Rumplestiltskin. Belle, Robin Hood, and Hook never really got alternate curse names. And, of course, Emma and Henry are just themselves.

Man, Snow - if it meant so much to you, maybe you should have said something before now.

Anyway - forget tiny!Snow learning to shoot straight because we have to shoehorn our Featured Fairy Tale Character Of The Week into the past somehow (though I did enjoy mean-stepmom-Queen Regina being a World Class Beast to tiny!Snow. It's not that I don't like Snow White - it's just that too much of her brings out my snarky side. I don't call her Princess Rainbow Sparklepoo for nothing). I wanna talk about IMPORTANT THINGS.

Like Cruella's little chat with Henry. First off - PRAISE BE Cruella is back! I was annoyed that we had been promised the return of Cruella, but all we got last episode was her car being driven by an on-set stunt dude and Victoria Smurfit was nowhere to be seen. But THERE SHE IS - in all her wonderful two-tone glory, sniping at the nearest mortal being. Which happens to be young Henry, the Author himself.

And funny I bring up that Author business - since Cruella wants to rejoin the land of the living (and with the Underworld being the hellhole - pardon the pun) that it is, and she wants the Author to do it. Except, Author!Henry broke the quill in two and nobody should have that much power (even though Walt Disney seemed to wield it just fine without any terrible consequences. We even got an awesome theme park out of the deal). Except the quill isn't actually dead - Henry can find its magic in the Underworld and do his Authorly Duties, like he was meant to. Oh, and bring Cruella back to life so she can go on being delightfully horrible and soaked in gin and 1920s music (look, I really want Cruella and Zelena to be evil witch buddies, because I think that would be lovely). Cruella appeals to Henry's better nature of wanting his Emma-mom to not be a murderer and have her hero-heart as pure as the driven snow.

Except... we dealt with all that Dark!Emma stuff last story-arc and even Dark!Emma wasn't all that bad. It turned out to be all an act because Emma likes to go all Lone Wanderer and keep the people she loves in the dark so she can fix things that went Horribly Wrong. Also - OUAT!Excalibur is a pain in the ass. Gimme Cal from The Librarians any day.

My point is - whatever "darkness" Emma has because she killed Cruella is negligible at best. Don't forget - Emma was trying to save Henry because Cruella was threatening to kill him. It was a dumb plot point that was supposed to somehow make Snow White look like she had a speck of evilness is her. Which, we have thoroughly proven is laughable (even when she was Evil Queen!Snow in the alternate reality - it was a complete joke).

Anyway - Cruella is back. I am happy.

Next order of business - Isn't Hades kind of a... letdown? I mean, the guy doesn't even have the fabulous costuming to help his underwhelming evilness (what - did they cut Eduardo's budget or something?) Good grief - for all the guy's tough talk and threatening Cora and Killian and everybody else... I'm still placing my bet on Captain Hook kicking his ass Nine Ways to Sunday. Even without his hook and even bruised and bloodied.

And that's another thing - why in the name of Poseidon's left nut is Hades so fixated on torturing Killian Jones?? It's like Darth Vader's strange obsession with chasing the Millennium Falcon in Empire Strikes Back. Sure, Killian was a/the Dark One and he destroyed all the Dark Ones (with the exception of everyone's favorite little trickster shithead) and that might stick in Hades's craw a little bit - but out of all the people at his disposal in the Underworld that he could mercilessly torture, why Killian? Did Killian's mouth get him into trouble yet again? Did he insult Hades's mother as he was falling into the Underworld and Hades took it personally? Is that why he's forcing Killian to choose who of Team Storybrooke stays in the Underworld?

(First choice is easy. Rumple's got a suite in Hell with his name already engraved.)

Although I do love this little tidbit from the synopsis for next week's episode (slight spoilers - but did we really expect Killian to do anything else?) -

“Hook refuses to choose which three of his friends will have to remain in the Underworld.“

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Suck on THAT, you deranged ginger twit in a cheap suit!

(In fact, that's what I'm calling Hades from now on - The Deranged Ginger Twit in a Cheap Suit. High Lord Weenie of the Underworld is also acceptable. Seriously - I'm just not feeling the evil-villain-ness of this guy. You may feel differently, but I just don't get it).

Basically, eff Hades and the horse he rode in on.