Thursday, July 8, 2010

Citizen Movie Critic - "Eclipse"

I have a new tag for these movie reviews - came to me in a coming-attraction-preview vision.  During the "Deathly Hallows" trailer, no less.

"Eclipse" Review. There are spoilers, but I really don't know why I bother with the warning (if you're the type that cares about spoilers for this movie, you'd have read the book about fifty times by now).

But first, here's a Strong Bad video - you'll see why.

The evening began okay - a violent death in the streets of Seattle.  But then Kristen Stewart's trying-to-be-dramatic-goth-emo-dark voiceover reciting Robert Frost in a frolicky meadow killed my "Yay! Action!" buzz (I'm even more distressed because that's my favorite Frost poem - "Road Less Traveled" gets waaaay too much airtime)

We now know where all the wolf-boys' t-shirts ended up - in Renee's graduation present for Bella!  (However, I was slightly bummed that Edward echoed my thoughts wondering if the wolf-boys even owned shirts. I thought I was being clever. Guess not...)

By the way, Alice can see the future, Edward can read people's minds and it's graduation for everyone.  Just in case you were wondering.

The whole time during Billy's "Third Wife" story, he kept calling the vampires "Cold Ones" and I couldn't help but hum the Strong Badia National Anthem.

Did anyone notice that the sunlight seemed to shine on the vampires a lot more - but minus the wind-chimy-sparkly-ness?  Or did they just put more light on them and pretend it was clouds?

This movie was just one big List of Awkward - the highlights:
- The Imprinting conversation
- Any romance scene - no one in these movies knows how to be cutely romantic.  Well, other than Alice and Jasper... but I'll get to that in a minute.
- Edward's "pained" expression (he just looks like he's about to throw up).
- Jessica's graduation speech, still trying to create suspense over who Bella will choose.  Come on, we all know how this is going to end.  If Bella chose Jacob, the books wouldn't be black and red, now would they?  They'd be a Native American wolf motif.
- The Brokeback tent scene having Edward and Jacob work out their feelings for... Bella.
- The bedroom scene.  Honestly, Ed - if you're all so big on the protecting Bella's virtue, why do you have a king-sized bed with low-lighting and soft music when you two are alone?  I don't buy it.  (that actually was a good time to go get a refill on Junior Mints, though)

And from the "This is Just Plain Weird" category:
- When Bella asked Jacob to kiss her, there was a girl a few rows ahead of me that literally covered her eyes (before the movie started, I noticed she was wearing a "Team Edward" shirt).
- "I'm Switzerland!"  Um, sure honey - whatever you say ("The hiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive!!!!")
- Bella mad that Jacob hasn't called (when life and limb is at stake)
- Cracking vampire flesh (What part of "skin like marble" doesn't anyone understand?  Similes people!!!)

Although, there were a few things I liked -
- Charlie's attempts to have "The Talk" with Bella.  Actually, anything with Charlie.  That guy's good for a laugh.  I was disappointed that we didn't have a "Telling Charlie We're Engaged" scene because that would have been worth the price of admission)
- Chasing Victoria - any kind of action, really.  At least there was some.
- The Battle.  But there was way too little of it.
- The newborns did that "Pirates of the Carribean" underwater-undead march thing.  Not too bad.
- The Volturi guy's line - "It appears we missed an entertaining fight." Thus reflecting the sentiments of every non-Twihard person watching this movie.

This is something I've never understood about vampire novels - if you're a vampire, you're undead with loads of time on your hands.  Yet, there are two things that are almost universal in these stories: 1. They are always out for blood (I get that - it's a part of their life and they have to feed).  2. Their next favorite hobby is sex.  Why?  I mean, you have unlimited time on your hands, why in the world are you so preoccupied with doing the nasty?  I will say this for the Cullens - at least they make an effort to continue what's good about human life (education, family, accomplishment)

On the whole, it was a so-so movie.  I have to say this for myself - I don't necessarily hate "Twilight" (I actually enjoyed the first book... and then it just got progressively weirder).  I think the fans really ruined it for me, though.  Too many teeny-boppers and middle-aged moms that wish they were still teeny-boppers (I don't know which is worse).  What gets me is that it started out as a clean(ish) love story and that's really hard to find nowadays, but then the weirdos all got their hands on it and... yeah... I think Stephenie Meyer tried to please all her fans and that's just not going to happen. If she'd had it all mapped out beforehand and not tried to prolong the inevitable, it would have been a different story.  But what can you do?

I also decided this - I like romances, but I think I like them better if the love story is secondary to a bigger plot.  Think of Harry Potter - the main crux of the story is Harry against Voldemort.  Everything else - including the romance - takes a backseat to the bigger storyline.  That's what makes the few romantic scenes so fun -  they're the added spice to the meal, not the entire meal itself.  I mean, what good are the mushy scenes if you're just one continual ball of gooey mush?  You have to get the adrenaline kicked in at some point to balance out.

No comments:

Post a Comment