Monday, September 21, 2009

A Win in Fifteen Minutes or Less or This Game's Free

The Indianapolis Colts beat the Miami Dolphins 27-23 on MNF. And I have a few thoughts:

1. It Helps When You Score in the First 12 Seconds: Proving once again that Peyton Manning is freaking made of awesome - and Dallas Clark is a stud in his own right - the first possession of the game and Manning throws to Clark. Clark breaks a potential tackle and cruises into the end zone. So, the whole third quarter, the commentators are carping about how little time the Colts' offense has been on the field, I can't help but think - "Yeah, but what did Miami do with the ball all that time?" In the end, the Colts wound up winning the game with only having had the ball a total of 14 minutes and 53 seconds. Apparently, that's a record of some kind (I missed the ESPN graphic and I'm too lazy to go look it up). When you're the Indianapolis Colts, it's about quality, not quantity, my friends.

2. Lassie Stayed Home: The Ute in me cringed when I realized that Austin "Last Minute Stab to the Heart" Collie was starting for the Colts offensive line. There's an unnerving trend that occurs when a BYU alum starts playing in the NFL, particularly for teams that I like: when they're in college, they beat up on the Utes and gloat about it incessantly, but then they trip over their own (tied) shoelaces when they make it to the NFL, thus undoing all that "Quest for Perfection" crap that the pansies at KSL pee themselves over every week. Luckily, Lassie stayed nice and quiet and didn't let the Zoobie curse impact the game (thought I did roll my eyes after he missed a pass and the commentators chose that moment to mention that he'd served a 2-year mission for "The Church of Latter-day Saints" *headdesk* He just freaking missed a catch and you choose that moment to mention his religious affiliation? Must you lump him in with us when he does stupid stuff like that?)

3. I Find it Interesting that There's an Ad for the Paris Hotel in Vegas on the Side of my Screen Right Now: Rookie Pierre Garcon made the game-winning catch for the Colts. There will be more shouts of "Run Little French Fry!" coming from my living room this season (I doubt he's actually French, but it works. Heck, he's playing down the line from the white Mormon boy. Football doesn't discriminate).

4. Win or Lose, You Still Look Like Lisa Frank: I know, I know, I missed a year of football and apparently the Dolphins are a renaissance team. Yippee for them. I can't ever cheer for them (Sean Smith notwithstanding - though I'm glad he's doing well for himself). They're still wearing that craptastic turquoise and orange motif. Look, I know Miami has this weird affinity for the '70s - what with the 1972 Dolphins' perfect season, blah, blah, blah. But can't you update the logo and the uniforms? You're already represented by a mascot that gives Greenpeace reason for being - why make it worse for your dignity? I'm sure the Williams sisters would be happy to draw up a new design for you - something that doesn't say second grade and pigtails. That's all I'm saying.

(Guess I shouldn't talk - the Utah Jazz play in purple and powder blue. Hard to take something like that seriously.)

5. The Term "Paydirt" Should Not Be Taken Literally: Can we not play on those hybrid base/football fields? Beyond the fact that the referees' safety is in danger when they get their signals mixed up (for the non-sports educated, the signal for "No Good" in football is basically the same for "Safe" in baseball), baseball's lost all its pride - I would rather not be associated with their brand of athleticism.

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